1 00:00:07,083 --> 00:00:10,182 Bill: The first Thanksgiving was horrific. 2 00:00:10,183 --> 00:00:12,949 [Music] 3 00:00:12,950 --> 00:00:15,882 JoAnne: As Christmas would approach each year, 4 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:17,516 the dread would start. 5 00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:22,517 [Music] 6 00:00:24,783 --> 00:00:27,649 Shay: It's hard putting up stockings where it used 7 00:00:27,650 --> 00:00:30,849 to be 3 and now it's 2. 8 00:00:30,850 --> 00:00:33,482 [Music] 9 00:00:33,483 --> 00:00:35,982 Lois: I used to say, “I wish I could go 10 00:00:35,983 --> 00:00:37,749 to sleep the day before Thanksgiving 11 00:00:37,750 --> 00:00:39,249 and wake up January 2nd. 12 00:00:39,250 --> 00:00:44,250 I still wanted to live in the past and so I tried 13 00:00:45,417 --> 00:00:50,417 to cook Thanksgiving dinner and 14 00:00:50,950 --> 00:00:53,749 was trying to set the table and different things. 15 00:00:53,750 --> 00:00:55,616 It just broke my heart. 16 00:00:55,617 --> 00:00:58,816 One of my kids said to me, of last Christmas, "This is going 17 00:00:58,817 --> 00:01:00,282 to be the worst Christmas ever." 18 00:01:00,283 --> 00:01:03,082 I thought, "Whew, I hope so. 19 00:01:03,083 --> 00:01:05,649 I hope they don't get any worse than this." 20 00:01:05,650 --> 00:01:09,291 [Music] 21 00:01:13,250 --> 00:01:16,716 Hi, I'm David and this is my wife, Nancy. 22 00:01:16,717 --> 00:01:18,149 Like the people you just heard 23 00:01:18,150 --> 00:01:22,182 from the holidays can be difficult for us as well. 24 00:01:22,183 --> 00:01:25,316 We lost two of our children, Hope and Gabriel. 25 00:01:25,317 --> 00:01:29,549 So we know what it's like to feel profound sadness during the 26 00:01:29,550 --> 00:01:31,082 holiday season. 27 00:01:31,083 --> 00:01:35,416 I remember when we sat down to take that first family photo 28 00:01:35,417 --> 00:01:38,016 for a Christmas card after Hope's death, 29 00:01:38,017 --> 00:01:40,349 and it was all I could do to smile 30 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,149 because I was intensely aware 31 00:01:42,150 --> 00:01:45,982 that someone was missing and it hurt. 32 00:01:45,983 --> 00:01:48,782 To this day David and I along with our son, Matt, 33 00:01:48,783 --> 00:01:53,649 still hang five matching stockings every Christmas season and many 34 00:01:53,650 --> 00:01:55,716 of our ornaments have pictures of Hope 35 00:01:55,717 --> 00:01:59,416 and Gabriel reminding us of our loss. 36 00:01:59,417 --> 00:02:02,849 We want you to know that what you are feeling right now is 37 00:02:02,850 --> 00:02:06,182 normal and even though the holidays are painful 38 00:02:06,183 --> 00:02:09,482 for you they can also bring healing. 39 00:02:09,483 --> 00:02:12,916 It might not seem possible but the day will come 40 00:02:12,917 --> 00:02:16,649 when you will be able to enjoy the holidays again. 41 00:02:16,650 --> 00:02:20,482 We are so glad you are here, and we believe that by the end 42 00:02:20,483 --> 00:02:23,049 of our time together today you'll be able to leave 43 00:02:23,050 --> 00:02:25,416 with a sense of hope for the future. 44 00:02:25,417 --> 00:02:29,382 Welcome to GriefShare Surviving the Holidays. 45 00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:34,383 [Music] 46 00:02:45,650 --> 00:02:48,916 [Male Narrator]: Welcome to GriefShare Surviving the Holidays. 47 00:02:48,917 --> 00:02:51,516 Today you'll watch a video featuring the reflections 48 00:02:51,517 --> 00:02:52,616 of people who have made it 49 00:02:52,617 --> 00:02:55,182 through the holidays while dealing with grief. 50 00:02:55,183 --> 00:02:57,649 After that you'll form a small group to talk 51 00:02:57,650 --> 00:03:00,216 about your experiences and concerns. 52 00:03:00,217 --> 00:03:02,016 To help you remember everything you'll hear 53 00:03:02,017 --> 00:03:05,416 in the video we've prepared a holiday Survival Guide. 54 00:03:05,417 --> 00:03:07,382 Use its note-taking sections to jot 55 00:03:07,383 --> 00:03:10,416 down meaningful comments while you watch the video. 56 00:03:10,417 --> 00:03:12,482 Each Survival Guide is also filled 57 00:03:12,483 --> 00:03:15,616 with encouraging exercises, helpful suggestions 58 00:03:15,617 --> 00:03:19,949 and wise insights to help you make it through the holidays. 59 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:22,782 After this session ends, you can use it each day 60 00:03:22,783 --> 00:03:24,682 of the holiday season. 61 00:03:24,683 --> 00:03:25,816 But for now turn to 62 00:03:25,817 --> 00:03:28,216 the note-taking section on Page 3. 63 00:03:28,217 --> 00:03:31,582 We're ready to begin. 64 00:03:31,583 --> 00:03:35,949 Obviously the holidays can be an emotionally difficult time, 65 00:03:35,950 --> 00:03:39,082 but why are they so discouraging? 66 00:03:39,083 --> 00:03:41,716 One reason is that the time from Thanksgiving 67 00:03:41,717 --> 00:03:45,216 through Christmas brings bittersweet memories to mind. 68 00:03:45,217 --> 00:03:48,182 [Music] 69 00:03:48,183 --> 00:03:51,782 When my dad was in the hospital for Christmas, 70 00:03:51,783 --> 00:03:55,482 he died in January. 71 00:03:55,483 --> 00:03:58,282 In the chapel of this hospital 72 00:03:58,283 --> 00:04:00,082 it had been beautifully decorated 73 00:04:00,083 --> 00:04:05,083 with poinsettias and it was a lovely gesture but it was 74 00:04:06,183 --> 00:04:08,882 so associated with my father's death it took me 75 00:04:08,883 --> 00:04:13,216 like 20 years before I could have a poinsettia in my house. 76 00:04:13,217 --> 00:04:15,049 It was just too much. 77 00:04:15,050 --> 00:04:15,816 She always had more 78 00:04:15,817 --> 00:04:17,582 gifts than everybody else. 79 00:04:17,583 --> 00:04:20,282 She was an educator and all 80 00:04:20,283 --> 00:04:22,549 of her co-workers would give her gifts. 81 00:04:22,550 --> 00:04:25,982 And so it was just interesting to see her opening what she had 82 00:04:25,983 --> 00:04:27,916 and so it goes by quicker now. 83 00:04:27,917 --> 00:04:32,482 My mother-in-law is real intent to cook foods 84 00:04:32,483 --> 00:04:35,082 that she knew that my mom had cooked for me. 85 00:04:35,083 --> 00:04:38,282 So one of the things that happens during the holidays it's 86 00:04:38,283 --> 00:04:41,916 like I can smell my mother's cooking. 87 00:04:41,917 --> 00:04:45,082 Through college and after I graduated high school I always 88 00:04:45,083 --> 00:04:48,616 came home for Christmas. And I had my own bedroom 89 00:04:48,617 --> 00:04:53,617 and my mom would always have sheets pulled back 90 00:04:54,350 --> 00:04:57,349 and the room warmed up. The tree would be up 91 00:04:57,350 --> 00:04:59,516 and the house would be decorated and it would just feel 92 00:04:59,517 --> 00:05:00,649 and the house would be decorated and it would just feel 93 00:05:00,650 --> 00:05:02,782 like it was Christmas time, 94 00:05:02,783 --> 00:05:06,416 but that Christmas there was no tree, my dad hadn't put 95 00:05:06,417 --> 00:05:07,749 up any tree or anything like that. 96 00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:09,229 The room was cold. 97 00:05:09,917 --> 00:05:14,917 [Music] 98 00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:19,949 JoAnne: We would hear Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire. 99 00:05:19,950 --> 00:05:23,849 The first one to grab the other person's nose because it goes 100 00:05:23,850 --> 00:05:26,549 on to say, “Jack Frost nipping at your nose." 101 00:05:26,550 --> 00:05:30,116 So, we'd sneak up behind the other person just 102 00:05:30,117 --> 00:05:33,616 as the verse said that and grab their nose and it would be a lot 103 00:05:33,617 --> 00:05:37,116 of fun and we'd have a little tussle with that. 104 00:05:37,117 --> 00:05:42,117 And so the first time I heard that song after Jody died, 105 00:05:42,283 --> 00:05:46,749 it was so painful because I could practically sense Jody 106 00:05:46,750 --> 00:05:50,216 right there coming at me, but he wasn't there. 107 00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:52,458 It was so sad. 108 00:05:53,717 --> 00:05:55,982 [Male Narrator]: If you have children, 109 00:05:55,983 --> 00:06:00,983 there's a potential for even more sadness during the holidays. 110 00:06:01,417 --> 00:06:03,116 For practical information 111 00:06:03,117 --> 00:06:05,882 to help your child survive the holiday season, 112 00:06:05,883 --> 00:06:09,549 visit GriefShare.org/ holidays. 113 00:06:09,550 --> 00:06:12,449 There you'll discover articles containing strategies 114 00:06:12,450 --> 00:06:15,682 to help your children as they deal with the many changes 115 00:06:15,683 --> 00:06:19,927 and challenges during the holidays. 116 00:06:20,817 --> 00:06:25,116 I wish we could tell you that the holidays will be a breeze. 117 00:06:25,117 --> 00:06:28,049 But no matter what you do during this season, 118 00:06:28,050 --> 00:06:32,149 reminders of the person you lost will still be unavoidable. 119 00:06:32,150 --> 00:06:33,882 Recognizing and accepting 120 00:06:33,883 --> 00:06:38,016 that fact will actually help you get through the holidays. 121 00:06:38,017 --> 00:06:40,249 I had to go to a store to get some food. 122 00:06:40,250 --> 00:06:42,949 I walked in, you know, the parking lot was full. 123 00:06:42,950 --> 00:06:47,116 It was just like I think it was like three days before Christmas, 124 00:06:47,117 --> 00:06:52,117 and there were so many people and I saw this happiness, 125 00:06:52,917 --> 00:06:57,917 all this hub bub, all this noise and music and blinking lights 126 00:06:58,617 --> 00:07:02,649 and all these signs, "Merry Christmas,“ "Happy Holidays" 127 00:07:02,650 --> 00:07:05,882 and stuff, that it totally overwhelmed me 128 00:07:05,883 --> 00:07:10,516 and I had this feeling of anger. 129 00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:14,316 I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs 130 00:07:14,317 --> 00:07:19,149 and say, "How dare you be happy when my heart is breaking." 131 00:07:19,150 --> 00:07:22,049 We like to use the analogy of this mobile that hangs 132 00:07:22,050 --> 00:07:24,849 over a child's bed, baby's bed. 133 00:07:24,850 --> 00:07:27,982 You take one of those pieces off it all gets out of balance. 134 00:07:27,983 --> 00:07:30,149 Well, especially those initial holidays 135 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:31,282 everything is out of balance. 136 00:07:31,283 --> 00:07:33,182 This isn't the way we usually did things 137 00:07:33,183 --> 00:07:35,049 because that person normally did that. 138 00:07:35,050 --> 00:07:38,716 Dr. Presson: When we accept that that's going to be a part of it, 139 00:07:38,717 --> 00:07:42,782 when I accept that that's going to be a part of the territory, 140 00:07:42,783 --> 00:07:46,516 then I'm less likely to be shocked, I'm less likely 141 00:07:46,517 --> 00:07:48,816 to be blindsided. Now that doesn't mean 142 00:07:48,817 --> 00:07:50,449 being pessimistic and fatalistic. 143 00:07:50,450 --> 00:07:52,649 It means just being realistic that there are going 144 00:07:52,650 --> 00:07:54,349 to be features and there are going 145 00:07:54,350 --> 00:07:58,082 to be moments that are difficult. 146 00:07:58,083 --> 00:08:01,649 Instead of accepting that Christmas will be difficult, 147 00:08:01,650 --> 00:08:04,149 some people pretend nothing is wrong 148 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,416 so others will think they are doing well. 149 00:08:06,417 --> 00:08:08,982 Nancy: But disguising your grief will prevent you 150 00:08:08,983 --> 00:08:11,016 from getting the help you need. 151 00:08:11,017 --> 00:08:12,782 Susan: I can remember at Thanksgiving 152 00:08:12,783 --> 00:08:14,316 being there with my family 153 00:08:14,317 --> 00:08:16,116 and wanting to cry and not wanting 154 00:08:16,117 --> 00:08:18,782 to mess everything up for everybody else 155 00:08:18,783 --> 00:08:21,516 and holding my tears and somehow I wish 156 00:08:21,517 --> 00:08:24,816 that probably I had just cried and let everybody else cry 157 00:08:24,817 --> 00:08:27,782 and us get over it and just go on. 158 00:08:27,783 --> 00:08:29,216 H. Norman Wright: What really helps more 159 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:32,149 than anything else is to be very honest 160 00:08:32,150 --> 00:08:34,516 when people ask, “How are you doing?“ 161 00:08:34,517 --> 00:08:39,416 You say, “I'm struggling." “I'm having a difficult time." 162 00:08:39,417 --> 00:08:43,082 David: While it's important to be honest about how you're feeling 163 00:08:43,083 --> 00:08:46,416 as Dr. Presson explains it's equally important 164 00:08:46,417 --> 00:08:48,816 for you to be selective about who you open 165 00:08:48,817 --> 00:08:51,582 up to and when you do it. 166 00:08:51,583 --> 00:08:54,682 Dr. Presson: I don't think that authenticity necessarily means 167 00:08:54,683 --> 00:08:59,683 that we wear our hearts on our sleeves everywhere we go. 168 00:09:00,417 --> 00:09:02,216 I think there are times that we need 169 00:09:02,217 --> 00:09:07,217 to consider is this the place, is this the situation 170 00:09:09,450 --> 00:09:13,849 that is appropriate for me to open up 171 00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:16,349 or emotionally break down? 172 00:09:16,350 --> 00:09:17,649 The workplace, for example, 173 00:09:17,650 --> 00:09:19,582 may not be the best place to do that. 174 00:09:19,583 --> 00:09:23,016 You also need to consider can this person 175 00:09:23,017 --> 00:09:25,316 handle what I might share. 176 00:09:25,317 --> 00:09:29,482 In addition to avoiding or ignoring pain, many people try 177 00:09:29,483 --> 00:09:33,849 to numb it. But that response is an ineffective way of dealing 178 00:09:33,850 --> 00:09:35,649 with the holiday season. 179 00:09:35,650 --> 00:09:39,616 Once you are done with your drug of choice be it narcotics, 180 00:09:39,617 --> 00:09:44,082 alcohol, sex or even shopping, your pain will still be waiting 181 00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:46,816 for you only then you'll be dealing with the pain 182 00:09:46,817 --> 00:09:49,016 of the holidays and the consequences 183 00:09:49,017 --> 00:09:50,582 of numbing your pain. 184 00:09:50,583 --> 00:09:53,282 David: If your efforts to numb yourself are carried 185 00:09:53,283 --> 00:09:57,349 to the extreme, you could end up with a lot of debt, 186 00:09:57,350 --> 00:09:59,016 an unwanted pregnancy or perhaps a physical injury all topped off 187 00:09:59,017 --> 00:10:02,482 an unwanted pregnancy or perhaps a physical injury all topped off 188 00:10:02,483 --> 00:10:05,049 with a lot of guilt and shame. 189 00:10:05,050 --> 00:10:07,949 Nancy: To avoid painful consequences like these, 190 00:10:07,950 --> 00:10:11,549 you need to learn healthy ways of dealing with your hurt. 191 00:10:11,550 --> 00:10:13,682 David: However, some of you may experience 192 00:10:13,683 --> 00:10:16,316 such intense pain during the holidays 193 00:10:16,317 --> 00:10:19,416 that you think suicide is the only way to escape. 194 00:10:19,417 --> 00:10:23,049 If that's how you feel, it's essential that you reach 195 00:10:23,050 --> 00:10:25,716 out for help rig ht away. 196 00:10:25,717 --> 00:10:28,482 Dr. Smeenge: There's a big difference in 197 00:10:28,483 --> 00:10:30,749 being okay with dying like a lot 198 00:10:30,750 --> 00:10:34,149 of people who are grieving feel like, "I'd just like to die,“ 199 00:10:34,150 --> 00:10:37,449 and having a plan and a real serious intent that I'm going 200 00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:39,416 to do something about ending my life. 201 00:10:39,417 --> 00:10:43,016 If a person gets to the point where they are feeling suicidal, 202 00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:47,282 not just it would be okay for me to die but I'm really intent 203 00:10:47,283 --> 00:10:49,949 on dying, I'm going to have a plan, 204 00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:51,916 I'm going to carry that out. 205 00:10:51,917 --> 00:10:54,916 That's irrational, that's unhealthy, 206 00:10:54,917 --> 00:10:59,016 that's unscriptural that's not okay and you need 207 00:10:59,017 --> 00:11:00,782 to get help immediately. 208 00:11:00,783 --> 00:11:07,632 [Music] 209 00:11:08,817 --> 00:11:13,817 [Music] 210 00:11:20,783 --> 00:11:23,149 Lois: I think it's really important to have a plan for the holidays 211 00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:24,949 because if not I think the 212 00:11:24,950 --> 00:11:27,016 routine things that you have 213 00:11:27,017 --> 00:11:28,349 to do during that time, 214 00:11:28,350 --> 00:11:29,549 the shopping, the cooking, 215 00:11:29,550 --> 00:11:31,916 all of those things they're overwhelming 216 00:11:31,917 --> 00:11:33,982 when life is good and pain free. 217 00:11:33,983 --> 00:11:36,849 I mean we all talk about the stress of the holidays. 218 00:11:36,850 --> 00:11:40,282 So if you're dealing with pain and loss and the emotions 219 00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:42,149 that are going to come up that you can't even really 220 00:11:42,150 --> 00:11:45,682 anticipate, you have to have a plan 221 00:11:45,683 --> 00:11:49,549 to get those other things done and to plan in the things 222 00:11:49,550 --> 00:11:52,349 that you hope are going to help you have a better holiday 223 00:11:52,350 --> 00:11:54,316 than you did the year before. 224 00:11:54,317 --> 00:11:58,182 I'm not suggesting that we eliminate spontaneity, 225 00:11:58,183 --> 00:12:03,183 I'm just saying that we make some plans that stay flexible. 226 00:12:04,383 --> 00:12:08,916 Nancy: We can't emphasize this enough creating a holiday plan 227 00:12:08,917 --> 00:12:11,416 is one of the smartest steps you can take 228 00:12:11,417 --> 00:12:13,716 to survive the holiday season. 229 00:12:13,717 --> 00:12:18,049 David: Here's advice on how to develop your plan. 230 00:12:18,050 --> 00:12:21,649 Susan: What's helpful to a lot of people is to make a list 231 00:12:21,650 --> 00:12:25,849 of all the activities and events that are typically part of, 232 00:12:25,850 --> 00:12:28,749 for example, Christmas. 233 00:12:28,750 --> 00:12:33,750 Office parties, Christmas cookies, decorating the outside 234 00:12:34,083 --> 00:12:36,249 of the house, decorating the inside of the house, 235 00:12:36,250 --> 00:12:38,016 how many people do you buy presents for? 236 00:12:38,017 --> 00:12:41,916 All that stuff, make a list of every single thing 237 00:12:41,917 --> 00:12:45,116 that is associated with Christmas and then go 238 00:12:45,117 --> 00:12:50,117 over each one and say, “Okay, do I need this for it to feel 239 00:12:52,050 --> 00:12:56,382 like Christmas or can I just let this one go?" 240 00:12:56,383 --> 00:12:59,516 Do I really not care about it that much really now 241 00:12:59,517 --> 00:13:02,316 that my loved one is gone? 242 00:13:02,317 --> 00:13:06,416 But if I do feel like this is Christmas, can I do this 243 00:13:06,417 --> 00:13:11,417 by myself or do I need to ask other people to help me? 244 00:13:12,717 --> 00:13:17,249 Or do I need to ask somebody to do it for me? 245 00:13:17,250 --> 00:13:22,250 Or do I say, “This is not the year to do it 246 00:13:22,350 --> 00:13:25,516 but maybe I'll revisit it in another year. 247 00:13:25,517 --> 00:13:28,482 It's too much right now." 248 00:13:28,483 --> 00:13:30,816 And you can kind of rank the things 249 00:13:30,817 --> 00:13:33,216 that you really want to keep. 250 00:13:33,217 --> 00:13:34,949 David: Planning helps you know what 251 00:13:34,950 --> 00:13:38,749 to expect during the holiday season and knowing what 252 00:13:38,750 --> 00:13:43,116 to expect helps you avoid emotional ambushes. 253 00:13:43,117 --> 00:13:45,749 Dr. DeVries: One thing you ought to do is kind of replay 254 00:13:45,750 --> 00:13:48,416 in your own mind well ahead of time what 255 00:13:48,417 --> 00:13:52,049 that family tradition almost always involved 256 00:13:52,050 --> 00:13:56,016 so that you are expecting these things to happen. 257 00:13:56,017 --> 00:14:00,549 So if your aunt always comes with a banana cream pie 258 00:14:00,550 --> 00:14:03,482 and she's not the one coming this year because she died, 259 00:14:03,483 --> 00:14:07,716 the fact that somebody else may bring a banana cream pie may 260 00:14:07,717 --> 00:14:11,049 really sort of trigger some emotion for you. 261 00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:13,382 For some holiday planning leads 262 00:14:13,383 --> 00:14:15,682 to the creation of new traditions. 263 00:14:15,683 --> 00:14:20,683 Jodi: One of the things that I did that was, 264 00:14:20,883 --> 00:14:24,216 that I loved was having parties at my house. 265 00:14:24,217 --> 00:14:28,782 I would invite people for Easter and Thanksgiving 266 00:14:28,783 --> 00:14:33,783 and Christmastime and it was very overwhelming the years 267 00:14:34,550 --> 00:14:36,049 that I had lost many people. 268 00:14:36,050 --> 00:14:40,216 What I decided to do was still have the party 269 00:14:40,217 --> 00:14:42,149 but just change the way that I did it. 270 00:14:42,150 --> 00:14:44,082 Instead of me being the one 271 00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:48,249 who prepared the whole entire meal what I did was make it 272 00:14:48,250 --> 00:14:52,682 easier on myself and ask my family members to bring things 273 00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:55,549 so that it wasn't so overwhelming for me. 274 00:14:55,550 --> 00:14:57,682 Steve and I were big football fans. 275 00:14:57,683 --> 00:14:59,016 So after he passed away I joined a free fantasy football 276 00:14:59,017 --> 00:15:00,749 So after he passed away I joined a free fantasy football 277 00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:03,949 league online. 278 00:15:03,950 --> 00:15:07,116 And so on Thanksgiving Day I would fix the Thanksgiving meal 279 00:15:07,117 --> 00:15:11,361 for myself and watch football. 280 00:15:12,950 --> 00:15:15,749 We decided that we would come together and have a celebration 281 00:15:15,750 --> 00:15:18,216 in honor of her, and we would all open the gifts 282 00:15:18,217 --> 00:15:19,516 that we had purchased for her 283 00:15:19,517 --> 00:15:22,349 and as we opened the gifts we all tried to do an imitation 284 00:15:22,350 --> 00:15:25,216 of her and try to react as she would 285 00:15:25,217 --> 00:15:28,282 when she would open the gift, and we had such a great time. 286 00:15:28,283 --> 00:15:31,782 I found that making the holiday visit either just before 287 00:15:31,783 --> 00:15:35,516 the holiday or after the holiday made for a much better visit. 288 00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:39,316 From a practical standpoint I didn't have 289 00:15:39,317 --> 00:15:41,449 to fight the holiday traffic and so 290 00:15:41,450 --> 00:15:44,782 from the start I was more relaxed. 291 00:15:44,783 --> 00:15:48,516 Once I got there we didn't have all the circus atmosphere, 292 00:15:48,517 --> 00:15:50,516 I was able to actually have a conversation 293 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:52,716 without all the noise in the background 294 00:15:52,717 --> 00:15:54,616 and it worked much better. 295 00:15:54,617 --> 00:15:57,949 I usually light a candle and we put it 296 00:15:57,950 --> 00:16:02,950 in the living room window and that reminds me 297 00:16:03,517 --> 00:16:05,682 that his life is still burning on. 298 00:16:05,683 --> 00:16:08,149 Every year my husband would give me something special 299 00:16:08,150 --> 00:16:08,982 at Christmas. 300 00:16:08,983 --> 00:16:10,816 And so when I would wake up 301 00:16:10,817 --> 00:16:15,116 Christmas morning there would be a present in my stocking 302 00:16:15,117 --> 00:16:18,449 and so right after he died, 6 months after he passed, 303 00:16:18,450 --> 00:16:21,649 I decided to make my own self a special surprise. 304 00:16:21,650 --> 00:16:24,082 So I went to the jeweler that he 305 00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:26,082 normally would buy jewelry for me. 306 00:16:26,083 --> 00:16:28,349 I had them make a special ring for me 307 00:16:28,350 --> 00:16:33,350 that would signify what grief really felt like and so 308 00:16:34,650 --> 00:16:37,849 that Christmas morning right after he died I went 309 00:16:37,850 --> 00:16:41,816 to my stocking and I told the jeweler not to show me the ring 310 00:16:41,817 --> 00:16:45,082 at all and so I had wrapped it up for myself and so 311 00:16:45,083 --> 00:16:48,749 that Christmas morning I opened it up and found the ring 312 00:16:48,750 --> 00:16:51,316 that I had them design for me. 313 00:16:51,317 --> 00:16:55,382 It was up and down the roller coaster ride of grief. 314 00:16:55,383 --> 00:16:59,316 One of the new traditions that my sister 315 00:16:59,317 --> 00:17:02,149 and my mom developed was instead 316 00:17:02,150 --> 00:17:05,816 of finding a beautiful Christmas tree, 317 00:17:05,817 --> 00:17:09,949 which was always a real high priority with my dad, 318 00:17:09,950 --> 00:17:12,282 they decided that was too painful. 319 00:17:12,283 --> 00:17:16,249 So they went on Christmas Eve Day 320 00:17:16,250 --> 00:17:20,949 and brought home a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. 321 00:17:20,950 --> 00:17:24,816 Like they said, “Give me the ugliest tree on the lot." 322 00:17:24,817 --> 00:17:28,749 And then we would all decorate it and it would look crazy 323 00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:31,216 to the point that my sister's girlfriends would come 324 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:34,449 around every year to see how bad the tree was, 325 00:17:34,450 --> 00:17:38,416 but if we had just tried to pretend 326 00:17:38,417 --> 00:17:40,516 that everything was the same and just keep 327 00:17:40,517 --> 00:17:43,049 on doing everything I think it would have been ashes 328 00:17:43,050 --> 00:17:43,682 in our mouth. 329 00:17:43,683 --> 00:17:46,082 We just couldn't do it. 330 00:17:46,083 --> 00:17:51,083 [Music] 331 00:17:58,317 --> 00:18:00,382 [Music] 332 00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:02,482 Omar: When you're grieving, it's difficult 333 00:18:02,483 --> 00:18:05,316 to establish new traditions and 334 00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:10,182 new ways of experiencing the holidays. 335 00:18:10,183 --> 00:18:12,782 You don't really want to try something new during that time. 336 00:18:12,783 --> 00:18:13,949 In fact, you're going 337 00:18:13,950 --> 00:18:17,249 to probably experience a few holidays where you're wanting 338 00:18:17,250 --> 00:18:19,849 to do the same thing that you've done 339 00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:24,549 because it gives you a sense of, "This was the experience 340 00:18:24,550 --> 00:18:28,816 that I had when this person was in my life, I feel comfortable 341 00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:31,949 with that." And so a lot of times it can create a conflict 342 00:18:31,950 --> 00:18:35,282 because, again, the thing that you are accustomed 343 00:18:35,283 --> 00:18:39,549 to doing is also the thing that's causing you pain 344 00:18:39,550 --> 00:18:43,082 and to jettison those things too quickly would probably be 345 00:18:43,083 --> 00:18:44,316 more painful. 346 00:18:44,317 --> 00:18:48,049 And so I think we've got to loosen little 347 00:18:48,050 --> 00:18:55,730 by little our grip on what used to be. 348 00:18:56,817 --> 00:19:01,349 Some people may feel guilty about creating new traditions. 349 00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:05,016 They might be afraid that new plans and activities suggest 350 00:19:05,017 --> 00:19:07,682 that they've forgotten about the person who died 351 00:19:07,683 --> 00:19:10,382 or that they were eager to leave behind their loved one's 352 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:12,316 holiday preferences. 353 00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,249 Dave: There's a sense in which you don't want to have too much fun. 354 00:19:14,250 --> 00:19:16,149 You don't want to enjoy life too much. 355 00:19:16,150 --> 00:19:19,882 It's silly but that's how we think sometimes. 356 00:19:19,883 --> 00:19:21,049 There's a difference between 357 00:19:21,050 --> 00:19:23,416 moving on and moving forward 358 00:19:23,417 --> 00:19:25,116 because moving on suggests that 359 00:19:25,117 --> 00:19:26,849 you're leaving something behind. 360 00:19:26,850 --> 00:19:30,516 Moving forward is that you're taking something with you. 361 00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:33,749 I think people get that confused, that life goes on sounds 362 00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:36,982 like a very callous thing. But life does continue 363 00:19:36,983 --> 00:19:41,682 but you can continue with life but with that love 364 00:19:41,683 --> 00:19:44,416 and those times that you had with that person. 365 00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,682 Some of you may have tried planning 366 00:19:46,683 --> 00:19:50,716 and prioritizing your holiday activities before and found 367 00:19:50,717 --> 00:19:52,049 that it didn't help you. 368 00:19:52,050 --> 00:19:53,516 You were still miserable. 369 00:19:53,517 --> 00:19:54,949 And that's okay. 370 00:19:54,950 --> 00:19:57,416 When it comes to surviving the holidays, 371 00:19:57,417 --> 00:19:58,516 you probably won't get it right the first time. 372 00:19:58,517 --> 00:19:59,916 You probably won't get it right the first time. 373 00:19:59,917 --> 00:20:03,582 Finding what works best for you may require some trial 374 00:20:03,583 --> 00:20:04,749 and error. 375 00:20:04,750 --> 00:20:07,049 Dr. DeVries: Even though we talk about making plans 376 00:20:07,050 --> 00:20:11,016 and setting some priorities and pacing yourself, there's also 377 00:20:11,017 --> 00:20:13,949 to make sure you hold them very lightly. 378 00:20:13,950 --> 00:20:16,349 You never can anticipate everything that's going 379 00:20:16,350 --> 00:20:19,582 to happen and you really can't always anticipate what your 380 00:20:19,583 --> 00:20:22,349 emotional response is going to be even to that 381 00:20:22,350 --> 00:20:23,582 which you have planned. 382 00:20:23,583 --> 00:20:26,249 It's like an experiment. 383 00:20:26,250 --> 00:20:28,549 [Laughter] That's the best way I can describe it. 384 00:20:28,550 --> 00:20:32,316 Because you may not feel the same way today, 385 00:20:32,317 --> 00:20:34,349 you may have a different mood tomorrow. 386 00:20:34,350 --> 00:20:37,349 When you're planning it, you may have a very good mood 387 00:20:37,350 --> 00:20:39,316 and motivation for planning it 388 00:20:39,317 --> 00:20:43,149 but when the day comes you may not feel that motivated. 389 00:20:43,150 --> 00:20:46,882 But it's a trial and error type of situation. 390 00:20:46,883 --> 00:20:49,782 But just give yourself the chance of trying something new 391 00:20:49,783 --> 00:20:54,783 and then you will find out and traditions are not set in stone. 392 00:20:55,383 --> 00:20:58,416 I don't have to do this just for the sake 393 00:20:58,417 --> 00:21:00,182 of doing it if I don't enjoy it. 394 00:21:00,183 --> 00:21:03,049 That's why traditions change. 395 00:21:03,050 --> 00:21:08,050 And, so I think like anything else during the grieving process 396 00:21:08,683 --> 00:21:12,449 you set your mind on what might happen, you make your plans 397 00:21:12,450 --> 00:21:15,749 but then you always in your own mind reserve the right 398 00:21:15,750 --> 00:21:20,116 to alter them, to scuttle them, to change them a little bit. 399 00:21:20,117 --> 00:21:26,432 [Music] 400 00:21:28,417 --> 00:21:32,682 [Music] 401 00:21:32,683 --> 00:21:34,049 Sheila: It was the first Christmas 402 00:21:34,050 --> 00:21:37,082 after my husband passed, my family does a family reunion, 403 00:21:37,083 --> 00:21:40,216 and I was really worried about going to that. 404 00:21:40,217 --> 00:21:42,416 I thought people were going to say, you know, 405 00:21:42,417 --> 00:21:45,382 “How are you doing?“ Or, you know, "What's it like?" Or whatever. 406 00:21:45,383 --> 00:21:46,816 And there was none of that. 407 00:21:46,817 --> 00:21:48,882 There was no mention of my husband's name. 408 00:21:48,883 --> 00:21:50,582 I mean it was like, it almost felt 409 00:21:50,583 --> 00:21:52,882 like they were avoiding things. 410 00:21:52,883 --> 00:21:55,782 Nancy: Unfortunately, Shelia isn't alone. 411 00:21:55,783 --> 00:21:59,649 Many people are surprised by how unwilling their friends 412 00:21:59,650 --> 00:22:03,282 and family are to discuss their deceased loved ones. 413 00:22:03,283 --> 00:22:06,749 David: But most of the time your friends and family aren't trying 414 00:22:06,750 --> 00:22:10,116 to be rude, they just don't want to upset you. 415 00:22:10,117 --> 00:22:14,316 Sometimes I think the other family members are looking 416 00:22:14,317 --> 00:22:18,849 to us, the grieving individual for guidance 417 00:22:18,850 --> 00:22:23,850 because they don't know what to do. And so it's so important 418 00:22:23,950 --> 00:22:28,149 to let them know, “Please talk about Uncle Fred 419 00:22:28,150 --> 00:22:30,549 and mention his name when you talk about him." 420 00:22:30,550 --> 00:22:33,282 So give them a little bit of guidance. 421 00:22:33,283 --> 00:22:37,182 Dr. DeVries: But you devise a plan, either a verbal plan 422 00:22:37,183 --> 00:22:40,616 or even a symbolic plan, to say, “I want to recognize the fact 423 00:22:40,617 --> 00:22:42,016 that he or she is not here. 424 00:22:42,017 --> 00:22:44,416 I brought this candle along, I'd like to be able 425 00:22:44,417 --> 00:22:47,849 to light this candle as a family in memory of my deceased husband 426 00:22:47,850 --> 00:22:50,049 or wife and we'll just let that bum 427 00:22:50,050 --> 00:22:51,482 for the day while we're here." 428 00:22:51,483 --> 00:22:56,483 [Music] 429 00:23:05,617 --> 00:23:08,649 Nancy: During the holidays, some people will invite you 430 00:23:08,650 --> 00:23:12,049 to Christmas parties or other holiday events. 431 00:23:12,050 --> 00:23:14,216 If you're emotionally fragile, 432 00:23:14,217 --> 00:23:16,382 those interactions can be stressful. 433 00:23:16,383 --> 00:23:19,016 Here's advice to help you plan responses 434 00:23:19,017 --> 00:23:21,749 to those inevitable invitations. 435 00:23:21,750 --> 00:23:25,949 Dr. Smeenge: When you get invitations, it's really difficult sometimes 436 00:23:25,950 --> 00:23:30,950 to evaluate, "Do I want to go or not? Maybe I'll just say no." 437 00:23:33,583 --> 00:23:35,249 Perhaps there's another option. 438 00:23:35,250 --> 00:23:36,249 You might want to think 439 00:23:36,250 --> 00:23:41,250 about saying, "Can you just hold my invitation lightly. 440 00:23:41,650 --> 00:23:45,016 I'm planning on coming but it may change that day." 441 00:23:45,017 --> 00:23:46,916 because grieving people change several 442 00:23:46,917 --> 00:23:48,816 times during a day often. 443 00:23:48,817 --> 00:23:52,549 The day may start out well and something may happen 444 00:23:52,550 --> 00:23:55,716 that just throws you for a loop and you're having a grief burst 445 00:23:55,717 --> 00:23:57,949 and you're not in a mood to go. 446 00:23:57,950 --> 00:24:01,616 It is okay to say, "I'm going to give you a tentative yes." 447 00:24:01,617 --> 00:24:06,149 Don't commit to that party just because you want 448 00:24:06,150 --> 00:24:09,682 to please someone or just to make them feel better. 449 00:24:09,683 --> 00:24:13,216 Just be honest and say, "You know I'm still in the process, 450 00:24:13,217 --> 00:24:17,688 some good days, some not so good so I'll let you know." 451 00:24:18,417 --> 00:24:21,216 David: If you venture out to a party or drop 452 00:24:21,217 --> 00:24:24,716 by to visit someone during the holidays, give thought 453 00:24:24,717 --> 00:24:28,516 to how you'll handle questions about how you're doing. 454 00:24:28,517 --> 00:24:33,482 Also give thought to how you'll respond to prying questions. 455 00:24:33,483 --> 00:24:37,049 Omar: You probably want to have a few things sort 456 00:24:37,050 --> 00:24:40,516 of scripted beforehand that you're going 457 00:24:40,517 --> 00:24:44,549 to say the same thing to everybody when they ask. 458 00:24:44,550 --> 00:24:49,482 Have a, some sort of sense of how much you want to disclose 459 00:24:49,483 --> 00:24:52,649 and how much you don't want to share and disclose. 460 00:24:52,650 --> 00:24:57,082 If we don't have that, then we can sort of flounder 461 00:24:57,083 --> 00:24:58,516 and that can make us feel anxious and awkward 462 00:24:58,517 --> 00:24:59,249 and that can make us feel anxious and awkward 463 00:24:59,250 --> 00:25:02,449 and now we're sharing more than what we, than we want to share 464 00:25:02,450 --> 00:25:05,649 and then we feel pressured to answer people's questions. 465 00:25:05,650 --> 00:25:07,516 Dr. Presson: It's not being impolite 466 00:25:07,517 --> 00:25:12,517 to say, “I really appreciate your interest and your concern, 467 00:25:12,850 --> 00:25:16,349 but I just really rather not talk about it." 468 00:25:16,350 --> 00:25:20,816 And then you shift the subject, 469 00:25:20,817 --> 00:25:22,882 you change the subject 470 00:25:22,883 --> 00:25:25,483 by shifting the focus onto them simply 471 00:25:25,484 --> 00:25:26,749 by asking them a question. 472 00:25:26,750 --> 00:25:31,750 “Hey, Sam, isn't your daughter playing soccer 473 00:25:32,150 --> 00:25:34,516 for Summit High School?" 474 00:25:34,517 --> 00:25:39,517 And you shift the focus by changing the topic 475 00:25:39,550 --> 00:25:43,916 but it being something that they would be interested in. 476 00:25:43,917 --> 00:25:51,917 [Music] 477 00:25:53,850 --> 00:25:56,716 Nancy: Here's one more piece of advice. 478 00:25:56,717 --> 00:26:01,282 It's a good idea to have an exit plan or an approach 479 00:26:01,283 --> 00:26:03,549 to temporarily excuse yourself 480 00:26:03,550 --> 00:26:06,482 from holiday events and gatherings. 481 00:26:06,483 --> 00:26:09,349 A few rules that I always followed for myself that worked 482 00:26:09,350 --> 00:26:11,682 out great is I never took a ride with anybody. 483 00:26:11,683 --> 00:26:15,682 I always drove myself so I could leave whenever I wanted to. 484 00:26:15,683 --> 00:26:19,216 That gave me a sense of security like I don't have to stay. 485 00:26:19,217 --> 00:26:23,516 If I walk in and it doesn't go well, I can be out the door. 486 00:26:23,517 --> 00:26:27,582 And the other thing is not to have very high expectations 487 00:26:27,583 --> 00:26:30,916 for myself to say, “Okay, I'm going to go with the goal first 488 00:26:30,917 --> 00:26:34,283 of just staying a half an hour and if I make it, I can leave 489 00:26:34,284 --> 00:26:35,983 and go great, you did it." 490 00:26:35,984 --> 00:26:38,649 Things start to get a little bit too tough for you, 491 00:26:38,650 --> 00:26:42,216 I really encourage you to say to the rest of your family, 492 00:26:42,217 --> 00:26:43,849 “Excuse me, I'm going to take a little break 493 00:26:43,850 --> 00:26:45,216 from this now. 494 00:26:45,217 --> 00:26:48,216 It's really pretty difficult for me at this moment in time. 495 00:26:48,217 --> 00:26:52,116 Just give me an hour or two I may come back and become part 496 00:26:52,117 --> 00:26:55,049 of it." But I think the whole idea 497 00:26:55,050 --> 00:26:58,916 of making sure you leave yourself an out is important. 498 00:26:58,917 --> 00:27:00,949 When we got to the point that one of us was 499 00:27:00,950 --> 00:27:03,416 at a point where their getting ready to break down 500 00:27:03,417 --> 00:27:06,082 or their not holding it together anymore 501 00:27:06,083 --> 00:27:09,716 or the dam that's holding the tears back is getting ready 502 00:27:09,717 --> 00:27:13,682 to burst we would communicate that and we would leave. 503 00:27:13,683 --> 00:27:15,016 One of us will look at the other saying, “I've got 504 00:27:15,017 --> 00:27:16,649 to go home, I've got to go now. 505 00:27:16,650 --> 00:27:19,790 I'm done, I'm finished, let's go." 506 00:27:21,217 --> 00:27:25,016 Donna:The first Christmas was a blur. 507 00:27:25,017 --> 00:27:27,416 It was probably the most difficult Christmas I can ever 508 00:27:27,417 --> 00:27:28,149 remember in my life. 509 00:27:28,150 --> 00:27:29,449 It was even more difficult 510 00:27:29,450 --> 00:27:31,216 than the first Christmas after my dad. 511 00:27:31,217 --> 00:27:33,583 The second Christmas was a little bit easier 512 00:27:33,584 --> 00:27:34,649 than the first. 513 00:27:34,650 --> 00:27:36,549 I don't know what the third Christmas is going 514 00:27:36,550 --> 00:27:37,516 to be like yet. 515 00:27:37,517 --> 00:27:39,216 It really does take time. 516 00:27:39,217 --> 00:27:44,217 For me that first year was almost overwhelming, 517 00:27:45,217 --> 00:27:48,016 but I did get through it. 518 00:27:48,017 --> 00:27:52,449 The second year was the worst actually. 519 00:27:52,450 --> 00:27:57,450 The second Christmas I didn't want to decorate at all 520 00:27:57,684 --> 00:28:01,282 because my heart was still hurting and I wanted her 521 00:28:01,283 --> 00:28:05,116 to be there and I knew that she could never be there again. 522 00:28:05,117 --> 00:28:09,082 And the third year as it approached I thought, "Well, 523 00:28:09,083 --> 00:28:13,116 certainly, by this time I should be able to just, you know, 524 00:28:13,117 --> 00:28:16,482 it won't be too bad." And then after Thanksgiving 525 00:28:16,483 --> 00:28:20,049 as Christmas is getting closer and I get this horrible feeling 526 00:28:20,050 --> 00:28:22,816 of dread and, “Oh, my goodness, 527 00:28:22,817 --> 00:28:25,582 I feel like I'm getting sucked under again." 528 00:28:25,583 --> 00:28:30,583 The third Christmas I just went through. It was wonderful. 529 00:28:31,783 --> 00:28:33,649 It was wonderful. 530 00:28:33,650 --> 00:28:38,082 [Music] 531 00:28:38,083 --> 00:28:43,082 I got my grandchildren over to help me decorate the trees, 532 00:28:43,083 --> 00:28:47,316 I changed it a little bit because my wife always had 533 00:28:47,317 --> 00:28:48,849 to have a real Christmas tree. 534 00:28:48,850 --> 00:28:50,316 I didn't like that. 535 00:28:50,317 --> 00:28:51,949 [Laughter] I didn't want to do it; 536 00:28:51,950 --> 00:28:54,349 I don't like putting the lights on them. 537 00:28:54,350 --> 00:28:58,449 [Laughter] So I decided, well, I could do a little bit about what I want now. 538 00:28:58,450 --> 00:29:02,049 [Music] 539 00:29:02,050 --> 00:29:03,549 So I bought me an artificial tree. 540 00:29:03,550 --> 00:29:06,682 I enjoyed it so much that I didn't want to take it down. 541 00:29:06,683 --> 00:29:09,849 By the fourth year I was doing a lot better. 542 00:29:09,850 --> 00:29:13,182 I was doing a lot better and I could put some decorations 543 00:29:13,183 --> 00:29:17,249 up in the house and enjoy doing that a little bit. 544 00:29:17,250 --> 00:29:19,116 I couldn't do that at all before. 545 00:29:19,117 --> 00:29:21,382 Other people's grief may be different. 546 00:29:21,383 --> 00:29:25,816 Maybe that second year they're ready to put up the tree, 547 00:29:25,817 --> 00:29:30,016 decorate everything the way they used to do, go caroling. 548 00:29:30,017 --> 00:29:32,749 Well that's fine but if that's not where you're at, 549 00:29:32,750 --> 00:29:35,049 that's perfectly okay. 550 00:29:35,050 --> 00:29:38,982 I've often heard people say, "The second year 551 00:29:38,983 --> 00:29:40,982 or the third year was harder. 552 00:29:40,983 --> 00:29:44,116 I thought the first year was going to be the hardest.“ 553 00:29:44,117 --> 00:29:47,916 And I think sometimes as they sort of unpack that they realize 554 00:29:47,917 --> 00:29:49,949 that either because of the timing 555 00:29:49,950 --> 00:29:53,049 or the circumstances there were things that were happening 556 00:29:53,050 --> 00:29:58,016 that were keeping them from fully feeling those experiences 557 00:29:58,017 --> 00:30:01,016 and those feelings during the first year and then 558 00:30:01,017 --> 00:30:06,017 in the second year sometimes even in the third year they feel 559 00:30:07,184 --> 00:30:11,216 that more fully because maybe the circumstances have changed 560 00:30:11,217 --> 00:30:12,716 not just because they've slowed down 561 00:30:12,717 --> 00:30:14,549 and they can feel it but maybe 562 00:30:14,550 --> 00:30:17,782 in the second or third year the financial situation has changed 563 00:30:17,783 --> 00:30:18,982 and become more difficult. 564 00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:20,816 Zoricelis: The first time I still can't believe it. 565 00:30:20,817 --> 00:30:22,849 The second time it's a reality. 566 00:30:22,850 --> 00:30:24,082 It's there. 567 00:30:24,083 --> 00:30:29,083 I am forced to face my situation. 568 00:30:31,583 --> 00:30:36,349 It is normal because grief doesn't have sort of a statute 569 00:30:36,350 --> 00:30:37,249 of limitations. 570 00:30:37,250 --> 00:30:38,682 So it's going to be okay if you don't put 571 00:30:38,683 --> 00:30:41,649 up a tree this year and maybe you wait until next year 572 00:30:41,650 --> 00:30:43,249 or if you decide you want to do that 573 00:30:43,250 --> 00:30:46,549 but don't overwhelm yourself by things that are simply tradition 574 00:30:46,550 --> 00:30:47,722 if you don't feel up to it. 575 00:30:49,083 --> 00:30:54,083 Dr. Fullwood: People who are hurting need to find additional ways 576 00:30:55,117 --> 00:31:00,117 to shift their focus to get their minds, 577 00:31:01,283 --> 00:31:06,283 to get your mind off of the pain and off of the disappointment. 578 00:31:08,084 --> 00:31:13,084 One of the ways you can do that almost immediately is 579 00:31:14,450 --> 00:31:18,182 to focus on other people. 580 00:31:18,183 --> 00:31:19,816 The blessing of serving other people 581 00:31:19,817 --> 00:31:24,816 at Christmas was a surprise to me because I've had a series 582 00:31:24,817 --> 00:31:28,949 of losses and a lot of times loss can make us 583 00:31:28,950 --> 00:31:29,982 very self-centered. 584 00:31:29,983 --> 00:31:33,082 When we hurt, we think about ourselves. 585 00:31:33,083 --> 00:31:35,649 I make sure I contact other 586 00:31:35,650 --> 00:31:37,782 people maybe before the holidays 587 00:31:37,783 --> 00:31:38,882 or during the holidays. 588 00:31:38,883 --> 00:31:40,716 And just try to do what I can,you know, 589 00:31:40,717 --> 00:31:42,149 maybe just a phone call. 590 00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:43,749 The times that I felt so 591 00:31:43,750 --> 00:31:46,583 low and so lonely and help came 592 00:31:46,584 --> 00:31:47,983 at just the right time 593 00:31:47,984 --> 00:31:50,549 and if I can be that same gift 594 00:31:50,550 --> 00:31:55,449 to somebody else, what a blessing that is to me. 595 00:31:55,450 --> 00:31:58,149 There's another relationship that's more important 596 00:31:58,150 --> 00:32:00,649 than any we have talked about so far in this video. 597 00:32:00,650 --> 00:32:03,216 It's your relationship with God. 598 00:32:03,217 --> 00:32:06,049 If you already have a relationship with Him, 599 00:32:06,050 --> 00:32:09,782 then the holidays are an opportunity to grow closer to 600 00:32:09,783 --> 00:32:11,549 or learn more about Him. 601 00:32:11,550 --> 00:32:14,849 One of the best ways to do this is to talk to God 602 00:32:14,850 --> 00:32:18,416 about the difficulties you're facing and read the Bible 603 00:32:18,417 --> 00:32:21,949 to see what He has to say about your situation. 604 00:32:21,950 --> 00:32:26,950 It's like we have to confront grief face-to-face and say 605 00:32:27,917 --> 00:32:32,917 to it, “You are a pain in my life, but I can get 606 00:32:33,350 --> 00:32:36,016 through the pain with the Lord's help. 607 00:32:36,017 --> 00:32:38,616 Because I can take refuge in my God. 608 00:32:38,617 --> 00:32:40,082 Just being able to talk to God 609 00:32:40,083 --> 00:32:41,982 about what I'm feeling 610 00:32:41,983 --> 00:32:43,983 helps me because I can come out 611 00:32:43,984 --> 00:32:47,216 and then be ready for the social scene whatever it is. 612 00:32:47,217 --> 00:32:49,982 It carries me like after the prayer is 613 00:32:49,983 --> 00:32:54,983 over I feel a lighter feeling 614 00:32:55,017 --> 00:32:59,449 that I'm being carried emotionally through that, 615 00:32:59,450 --> 00:33:00,982 through the situation whatever it is. 616 00:33:00,983 --> 00:33:03,083 I don't have to really be thinking about it anymore 617 00:33:03,084 --> 00:33:05,416 because I've let it go in the prayer. 618 00:33:05,417 --> 00:33:07,949 And I am deeply persuaded 619 00:33:07,950 --> 00:33:10,616 that you ultimately deal 620 00:33:10,617 --> 00:33:12,816 with painful realities only one way 621 00:33:12,817 --> 00:33:14,216 you deal with them vertically. 622 00:33:14,217 --> 00:33:19,217 [Music] 623 00:33:20,450 --> 00:33:24,016 Dr. Tripp: Believing that this pain 624 00:33:24,017 --> 00:33:26,516 isn't a sign that He's turned His back 625 00:33:26,517 --> 00:33:31,216 on me, this pain is a sign that I still live in a broken world, 626 00:33:31,217 --> 00:33:34,182 but God's with me and all that just says to me 627 00:33:34,183 --> 00:33:39,183 that I wasn't hard wired to live this life by myself. 628 00:33:40,084 --> 00:33:45,084 I was created for dependency primarily dependency upon God. 629 00:33:47,417 --> 00:33:48,549 Zoricelis: I can take refuge in, 630 00:33:48,550 --> 00:33:50,849 “Lord I need peace from you right now 631 00:33:50,850 --> 00:33:53,049 because the pain is unbearable.“ 632 00:33:53,050 --> 00:33:55,716 And you will experience God's peace. 633 00:33:55,717 --> 00:33:58,416 There is no doubt the first year's, 634 00:33:58,417 --> 00:34:00,516 several years especially during the holidays 635 00:34:00,517 --> 00:34:04,149 around Christmastime God and the strength 636 00:34:04,150 --> 00:34:07,383 of the church brought to me was my rock. 637 00:34:07,384 --> 00:34:10,049 Your family will let you down, your friends 638 00:34:10,050 --> 00:34:12,049 and your co-workers will let you down, 639 00:34:12,050 --> 00:34:14,649 and even people from your church will let you down. 640 00:34:14,650 --> 00:34:18,416 But even the times that you feel most alone God is there. 641 00:34:18,417 --> 00:34:23,083 Now, don't expect it to be automatic like pushing a button. 642 00:34:23,084 --> 00:34:26,649 What is important here is that you pour out your heart 643 00:34:26,650 --> 00:34:31,116 to the Lord, “And Lord, I'm going to pour out my heart to you. 644 00:34:31,117 --> 00:34:33,116 I'm in pain, I'm in suffering, 645 00:34:33,117 --> 00:34:35,549 I don't understand why this happened, 646 00:34:35,550 --> 00:34:40,226 I cannot give any explanation but I need You, You are my lifeline." 647 00:34:41,750 --> 00:34:46,516 [Music] 648 00:34:46,517 --> 00:34:46,682 [Music] 649 00:34:46,683 --> 00:34:49,582 [Female Narrator]: Josie's 31 -year old son, Bryan, 650 00:34:49,583 --> 00:34:52,616 died in a car accident a few nights before Thanksgiving. 651 00:34:52,617 --> 00:34:54,549 After struggling to make it 652 00:34:54,550 --> 00:34:57,882 through that initial holiday season, Josie discovered 653 00:34:57,883 --> 00:35:00,216 that she still had reasons to be thankful 654 00:35:00,217 --> 00:35:03,649 and celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas. 655 00:35:03,650 --> 00:35:08,249 Josie: That year was my, had been my 60th birthday. 656 00:35:08,250 --> 00:35:12,783 So I was so happy and excited and stuff 657 00:35:12,784 --> 00:35:16,982 that I started writing. Making a list 658 00:35:16,983 --> 00:35:20,683 of all of the blessings that I had in my life, 659 00:35:20,684 --> 00:35:25,684 and so every night before I go to bed I would fill 660 00:35:26,250 --> 00:35:29,683 in that list, and by the time 661 00:35:29,684 --> 00:35:34,283 that Bryan died, my birthday was November 15th, 662 00:35:34,284 --> 00:35:37,882 he died November 21 st, six days later. 663 00:35:37,883 --> 00:35:42,149 But by the time that he died I had 664 00:35:42,150 --> 00:35:46,082 about 70 items on my list. 665 00:35:46,083 --> 00:35:51,083 Several months went by and then one day I opened the drawer 666 00:35:51,617 --> 00:35:55,216 and I see that list and I sat by my bedside 667 00:35:55,217 --> 00:36:00,217 and I started reading the list of all the things and I realized 668 00:36:01,617 --> 00:36:06,316 that I had been focusing on the wrong thing. 669 00:36:06,317 --> 00:36:11,317 I had been focusing on what I didn't have anymore. 670 00:36:12,550 --> 00:36:16,249 But I needed to change and start 671 00:36:16,250 --> 00:36:21,250 realizing all the blessings that I had. 672 00:36:21,617 --> 00:36:24,849 Every breath we take is a gift from God. 673 00:36:24,850 --> 00:36:29,850 Okay. We take so much for granted like our sight, 674 00:36:29,984 --> 00:36:34,984 our hearing, the fact that we are able to move and talk 675 00:36:35,017 --> 00:36:37,849 and that we, you know, we have a clear mind. 676 00:36:37,850 --> 00:36:40,883 And obviously grateful for my son, 677 00:36:40,884 --> 00:36:44,216 grateful for my husband, grateful for my job. 678 00:36:44,217 --> 00:36:49,217 There are so many things that we take so much for granted. 679 00:36:49,250 --> 00:36:53,316 David: Josie experienced God's comfort as she reminded herself 680 00:36:53,317 --> 00:36:57,283 of the blessings she still had despite her son's tragic death. 681 00:36:57,284 --> 00:37:01,649 Nancy: Even if you can't think of one earthly possession 682 00:37:01,650 --> 00:37:06,082 or relationship to be thankful for, you can always be thankful 683 00:37:06,083 --> 00:37:10,616 for what Christmas reminds us of. 684 00:37:10,617 --> 00:37:15,582 [Music] 685 00:37:15,583 --> 00:37:17,883 When we celebrate Christmas, 686 00:37:17,884 --> 00:37:22,884 we are not just celebrating Christ's birth or His coming 687 00:37:23,817 --> 00:37:28,482 into the world, but we're celebrating the reason 688 00:37:28,483 --> 00:37:31,283 that He came and the result. 689 00:37:31,284 --> 00:37:36,284 If there weren't pain, suffering, sin, destruction, 690 00:37:37,584 --> 00:37:42,584 discouragement and death, there would be no need for Christmas. 691 00:37:43,417 --> 00:37:48,417 This holiday is about suffering, this holiday is about pain. 692 00:37:48,484 --> 00:37:51,516 Now what we've done, and it's right to do that, 693 00:37:51,517 --> 00:37:54,216 we've made this a holiday of celebration 694 00:37:54,217 --> 00:37:57,749 because we celebrate the coming of the Messiah, 695 00:37:57,750 --> 00:38:02,483 but in so doing we forget why He came. 696 00:38:02,484 --> 00:38:07,484 He came to end suffering, He came to end death, 697 00:38:08,117 --> 00:38:11,749 He came to end sin and brokenness and pain 698 00:38:11,750 --> 00:38:14,249 and destruction and discouragement 699 00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:19,250 and so this is the sufferer's holiday rather than the holiday 700 00:38:21,817 --> 00:38:25,683 to be avoided, I ought to run toward Christmas. 701 00:38:25,684 --> 00:38:29,483 When Jesus came to earth as a little baby 702 00:38:29,484 --> 00:38:31,716 that we celebrate at Christmas, 703 00:38:31,717 --> 00:38:36,717 really what it was saying was God says the battle is on. 704 00:38:38,117 --> 00:38:43,117 The things that have messed up life for everyone on earth, 705 00:38:44,617 --> 00:38:49,617 the sin, the evil, the suffering, the pain, the loss, 706 00:38:49,983 --> 00:38:53,749 all those things that have just infested 707 00:38:53,750 --> 00:38:58,750 and plagued every person on earth God was saying, "I am here 708 00:39:01,617 --> 00:39:03,783 to do something about it." 709 00:39:03,784 --> 00:39:07,949 What Christmas tells me is there's hope for people like me 710 00:39:07,950 --> 00:39:10,483 that are going through what I'm going through. 711 00:39:10,484 --> 00:39:15,484 Christmas guarantees that God has, will and will continue 712 00:39:16,884 --> 00:39:21,716 to address what I'm going through. 713 00:39:21,717 --> 00:39:24,449 [Female Narrator]: What an encouraging truth. 714 00:39:24,450 --> 00:39:29,183 Christmas is the sufferer's holiday. 715 00:39:29,184 --> 00:39:34,184 So while you may not want to put up a tree, go shopping 716 00:39:34,584 --> 00:39:39,584 or attend parties, Christmas reminds us that we can rest 717 00:39:40,417 --> 00:39:43,916 in God's awareness of our pain and His plan 718 00:39:43,917 --> 00:39:48,516 to end all suffering, but there's more to His plan 719 00:39:48,517 --> 00:39:51,683 than simply putting an end to grief and sorrow. 720 00:39:51,684 --> 00:39:54,816 The Bible tells us that Jesus came to save us 721 00:39:54,817 --> 00:39:57,516 from suffering the consequences of our sin, our bad thoughts, 722 00:39:57,517 --> 00:40:00,316 from suffering the consequences of our sin, our bad thoughts, 723 00:40:00,317 --> 00:40:04,149 disobedience and even our tendency 724 00:40:04,150 --> 00:40:07,583 to love good things too much. 725 00:40:07,584 --> 00:40:11,416 In fact, that's why God told Joseph he should name his 726 00:40:11,417 --> 00:40:15,816 son Jesus. 727 00:40:15,817 --> 00:40:20,817 [Music] 728 00:40:22,084 --> 00:40:25,349 Now let's say someone has a Christmas gift for you 729 00:40:25,350 --> 00:40:27,316 and leaves it at a mutual friend's house 730 00:40:27,317 --> 00:40:29,616 for you to pick up. 731 00:40:29,617 --> 00:40:33,116 Even though the gift is yours, you won't have it, won't be able 732 00:40:33,117 --> 00:40:36,616 to use it or benefit from it until you pick it up 733 00:40:36,617 --> 00:40:38,116 and claim it as your own. 734 00:40:38,117 --> 00:40:42,016 And the same thing is true when it comes 735 00:40:42,017 --> 00:40:45,583 to the forgiveness God offers you. 736 00:40:45,584 --> 00:40:46,749 It's yours. 737 00:40:46,750 --> 00:40:51,750 You simply have to receive it by faith. 738 00:40:51,850 --> 00:40:54,882 To receive it by faith means you must believe 739 00:40:54,883 --> 00:40:59,549 and completely trust that Jesus lived and then died on the cross 740 00:40:59,550 --> 00:41:02,716 to pay the penalty for your sin. 741 00:41:02,717 --> 00:41:05,849 It also means that you believe that He rose from the dead 742 00:41:05,850 --> 00:41:10,850 and that He has the authority to direct your life. 743 00:41:11,850 --> 00:41:14,883 Do you believe those things are true? 744 00:41:14,884 --> 00:41:18,149 Then God's gift of forgiveness is yours. 745 00:41:18,150 --> 00:41:21,549 Let's take a moment to pray thanking God 746 00:41:21,550 --> 00:41:24,483 for His wonderful gift. 747 00:41:24,484 --> 00:41:28,549 Just bow your head and repeat this short prayer silently 748 00:41:28,550 --> 00:41:32,283 to yourself. 749 00:41:32,284 --> 00:41:37,284 God, thank you for caring about me. 750 00:41:41,984 --> 00:41:44,349 And thank you for sending Jesus to die 751 00:41:44,350 --> 00:41:49,350 on the cross for my sin. 752 00:41:52,050 --> 00:41:57,050 I believe Christ died for me, that He rose from the grave 753 00:42:00,817 --> 00:42:05,817 and that He has the authority to direct my life. 754 00:42:06,783 --> 00:42:11,183 Please comfort me as I grieve 755 00:42:11,184 --> 00:42:16,183 and show me how to be more like You. 756 00:42:16,184 --> 00:42:21,184 In Jesus name I pray, Amen. 757 00:42:24,084 --> 00:42:26,849 To learn more about what it means to receive the gift 758 00:42:26,850 --> 00:42:30,016 of forgiveness talk with your group leader or a pastor 759 00:42:30,017 --> 00:42:33,516 of the church hosting this Surviving the Holiday's event. 760 00:42:33,517 --> 00:42:36,283 They'll be glad to answer any question you have 761 00:42:36,284 --> 00:42:39,883 or tell you what to do next if you've just received God's gift 762 00:42:39,884 --> 00:42:42,888 of forgiveness for the first time. 763 00:42:44,217 --> 00:42:47,216 Earlier in this program, we explained 764 00:42:47,217 --> 00:42:50,649 that others can help you heal from your grief and hopefully 765 00:42:50,650 --> 00:42:52,783 in some small way you've experienced 766 00:42:52,784 --> 00:42:56,116 that through the information presented in this video. 767 00:42:56,117 --> 00:42:57,982 We want to give you the opportunity 768 00:42:57,983 --> 00:43:00,783 to experience how helpful it is to interact 769 00:43:00,784 --> 00:43:02,816 with others about your loss. 770 00:43:02,817 --> 00:43:04,816 In a few minutes, you'll participate 771 00:43:04,817 --> 00:43:07,816 in a group discussion about the information you've just seen 772 00:43:07,817 --> 00:43:10,149 and how it applies to your life. 773 00:43:10,150 --> 00:43:13,749 You'll probably identify with and learn from the other people 774 00:43:13,750 --> 00:43:15,749 who are a part of this group. 775 00:43:15,750 --> 00:43:17,549 Please relax. 776 00:43:17,550 --> 00:43:20,883 There's no requirement for you to talk if you don't want to. 777 00:43:20,884 --> 00:43:23,016 You won't be put on the spot, 778 00:43:23,017 --> 00:43:24,749 but hearing how others are dealing 779 00:43:24,750 --> 00:43:27,116 with their grief can help you. 780 00:43:27,117 --> 00:43:29,249 And if you are able to share a bit 781 00:43:29,250 --> 00:43:32,549 about what you're experiencing, you'll find that others 782 00:43:32,550 --> 00:43:35,049 in the group will understand and relate 783 00:43:35,050 --> 00:43:37,516 and that they want to encourage you. 784 00:43:37,517 --> 00:43:39,483 What we've shared today is designed 785 00:43:39,484 --> 00:43:43,316 to help you handle the holidays, but everyone knows 786 00:43:43,317 --> 00:43:45,816 that grief isn't a seasonal issue. 787 00:43:45,817 --> 00:43:48,316 When the holidays end, you'll still be faced 788 00:43:48,317 --> 00:43:50,083 with the reality of your loss. 789 00:43:50,084 --> 00:43:53,483 So before we go and you break into groups, 790 00:43:53,484 --> 00:43:56,158 we want to tell you about GriefShare. 791 00:43:56,484 --> 00:43:58,882 [Male Narrator]: GriefShare is a support group ministry 792 00:43:58,883 --> 00:44:02,783 that helps people heal from the pain of grief. 793 00:44:02,784 --> 00:44:06,149 The GriefShare video seminars, workbook exercises 794 00:44:06,150 --> 00:44:09,849 and small group discussions give participants encouragement, 795 00:44:09,850 --> 00:44:12,483 useful advice and hope. 796 00:44:12,484 --> 00:44:15,716 GriefShare is the ideal setting for you to find comfort 797 00:44:15,717 --> 00:44:17,383 and make sense of your suffering. 798 00:44:17,384 --> 00:44:20,716 Bill:The GriefShare videos are excellent. 799 00:44:20,717 --> 00:44:24,516 The videos strengthened me. 800 00:44:24,517 --> 00:44:26,683 It's a freeing kind of thing to be able 801 00:44:26,684 --> 00:44:29,182 to talk about your loss. 802 00:44:29,183 --> 00:44:30,649 Karen: My workbook helped me 803 00:44:30,650 --> 00:44:33,982 to unravel the feelings I was going through. 804 00:44:33,983 --> 00:44:35,316 [Male Narrator]: If you benefited from today's 805 00:44:35,317 --> 00:44:37,083 Surviving the Holidays session, 806 00:44:37,084 --> 00:44:40,816 strongly consider finding and joining a GriefShare group 807 00:44:40,817 --> 00:44:44,183 and remember no matter how long ago you lost your loved one, 808 00:44:44,184 --> 00:44:46,449 you're always welcome at GriefShare. 809 00:44:46,450 --> 00:44:50,416 Karen: There was such a void until I got into GriefShare. 810 00:44:50,417 --> 00:44:52,816 Susan: I never really healed down deep 811 00:44:52,817 --> 00:44:54,249 until I came to GriefShare. 812 00:44:54,250 --> 00:44:56,216 George: GriefShare brought me out of my sadness. 813 00:44:56,217 --> 00:44:57,016 [Male Narrator]: After the death of a loved one you might 814 00:44:57,017 --> 00:44:58,549 [Male Narrator]: After the death of a loved one you might 815 00:44:58,550 --> 00:45:02,316 believe you'll never smile again, but there is hope. 816 00:45:02,317 --> 00:45:09,462 Continue your journey from mourning to joy at GriefShare. 817 00:45:10,084 --> 00:45:13,416 We hope you decide to give GriefShare a try. 818 00:45:13,417 --> 00:45:16,483 Your host will tell you more about this amazing program. 819 00:45:16,484 --> 00:45:19,383 Thanks again for joining us today. 820 00:45:19,384 --> 00:45:21,549 We trust you've learned strategies 821 00:45:21,550 --> 00:45:25,683 that will help you survive and perhaps even find a little joy 822 00:45:25,684 --> 00:45:30,416 in the coming holiday season and now may God bless you, 823 00:45:30,417 --> 00:45:32,920 your family and your future.