1 00:00:06,950 --> 00:00:11,950 It was probably just within weeks of Jody dying and 2 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:21,950 the people around me were trying to be positive 3 00:00:21,983 --> 00:00:26,983 and really going on with conversation and treating me 4 00:00:28,283 --> 00:00:32,849 to a lovely dinner thinking that would lift my spirits. 5 00:00:32,850 --> 00:00:37,850 But it didn't because number one I couldn't taste the food 6 00:00:38,083 --> 00:00:43,016 and number two, they were all going about their conversation 7 00:00:43,017 --> 00:00:48,017 and their plans and sharing as they normally would. 8 00:00:48,850 --> 00:00:52,316 I felt like they were on the other side of the moat, 9 00:00:52,317 --> 00:00:56,766 all around me with no drawbridge. 10 00:00:58,217 --> 00:01:02,182 I'm sure many of you identified with JoAnne's story. 11 00:01:02,183 --> 00:01:05,582 When we lost our daughter Hope we were unprepared for how 12 00:01:05,583 --> 00:01:07,582 that would impact our relationships. 13 00:01:07,583 --> 00:01:10,082 While most of our friendships survived 14 00:01:10,083 --> 00:01:12,182 and flourished there were some friends 15 00:01:12,183 --> 00:01:14,982 who simply didn't know how to relate to us anymore. 16 00:01:14,983 --> 00:01:16,382 But grief affects more 17 00:01:16,383 --> 00:01:19,816 than just your friendships it also affects your relationships 18 00:01:19,817 --> 00:01:22,282 with your spouse and other family members 19 00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,649 so today we' ll talk about some 20 00:01:24,650 --> 00:01:27,949 of the normal ways relationships are strained after the death 21 00:01:27,950 --> 00:01:31,016 of a loved one and what you can do to maintain 22 00:01:31,017 --> 00:01:32,816 and strengthen your relationships 23 00:01:32,817 --> 00:01:34,782 with family and friends. 24 00:01:34,783 --> 00:01:36,228 Welcome to GriefShare. 25 00:01:48,950 --> 00:01:51,982 You may recall a family celebration 26 00:01:51,983 --> 00:01:55,816 that took place outside perhaps at a park like this one 27 00:01:55,817 --> 00:01:59,049 or maybe you gathered together in your own backyard. 28 00:01:59,050 --> 00:02:02,482 Now that your loved one is gone those family events feel 29 00:02:02,483 --> 00:02:05,316 very different, as they make you very aware 30 00:02:05,317 --> 00:02:08,449 that someone you love is not there with you. 31 00:02:08,450 --> 00:02:10,882 You may also find that you have new struggles 32 00:02:10,883 --> 00:02:12,849 and strains with family members. 33 00:02:12,850 --> 00:02:15,916 If you want to enjoy being with family again 34 00:02:15,917 --> 00:02:18,716 after losing someone you love it's important 35 00:02:18,717 --> 00:02:21,916 that you understand this session's first points. 36 00:02:21,917 --> 00:02:26,416 David: Each member of your family will grieve uniquely. 37 00:02:26,417 --> 00:02:29,116 One of the things we've discovered is that husbands 38 00:02:29,117 --> 00:02:32,382 and wives grieve so differently. 39 00:02:32,383 --> 00:02:36,182 I think I dealt with my grief a lot more than Al did, 40 00:02:36,183 --> 00:02:40,049 I sought counseling, I read a lot of books about grief. 41 00:02:40,050 --> 00:02:45,050 For instance Sue could not go back to our home church 42 00:02:45,850 --> 00:02:49,316 that our kids had gone to church at for ten years, 43 00:02:49,317 --> 00:02:51,649 she just could not go back after the funeral, she didn't want 44 00:02:51,650 --> 00:02:54,382 to be back in that building, on the other hand my son 45 00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:57,582 and I went back to the church for quite a while 46 00:02:57,583 --> 00:02:58,982 and continued to worship there. 47 00:02:58,983 --> 00:03:01,416 People definitely grieve differently and so the things 48 00:03:01,417 --> 00:03:04,482 that have been helpful to me are at times helpful 49 00:03:04,483 --> 00:03:06,249 for other people and at times not. 50 00:03:06,250 --> 00:03:10,149 Dave wanted to surround himself with kids, 51 00:03:10,150 --> 00:03:12,849 Melissa's friends, kids at school, he would go 52 00:03:12,850 --> 00:03:15,382 to school events but I did not want to be 53 00:03:15,383 --> 00:03:18,549 with Melissa's friends and with kids that age 54 00:03:18,550 --> 00:03:19,916 because it was just so painful. 55 00:03:19,917 --> 00:03:24,917 Al was more submerged in why did Emily die, 56 00:03:26,717 --> 00:03:31,717 how did this happen and when it came time for us to go 57 00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:41,150 out socially he's more of a pusher, “Let's go, 58 00:03:41,383 --> 00:03:43,382 you know we're going to go, we'll go, you'll be fine, 59 00:03:43,383 --> 00:03:47,516 you'll be fine." And I was more I can't go, I don't want to go. 60 00:03:47,517 --> 00:03:50,782 So what I had to do and what we've done together is allow 61 00:03:50,783 --> 00:03:52,716 each other to grieve differently and not 62 00:03:52,717 --> 00:03:54,149 to demand something of her. 63 00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:56,949 I wasn't about to say, “You must go back to our church, 64 00:03:56,950 --> 00:03:59,749 that's our church." You know we love the church, 65 00:03:59,750 --> 00:04:00,949 we love the people. 66 00:04:00,950 --> 00:04:03,916 But I could not force her to do that. 67 00:04:03,917 --> 00:04:06,349 It didn't bother me that Dave wanted to go spend time 68 00:04:06,350 --> 00:04:09,982 with Melissa's friends at school; it gave him great joy 69 00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:13,649 to be with them because he felt like he was closer to Melissa. 70 00:04:13,650 --> 00:04:18,650 We had to respect one another's grief if we were going 71 00:04:18,817 --> 00:04:21,491 to be able to continue on with our lives. 72 00:04:22,750 --> 00:04:27,750 [Music] 73 00:04:37,750 --> 00:04:39,716 There's a lot of time in my apartment 74 00:04:39,717 --> 00:04:41,316 by myself that I'm just alone. 75 00:04:41,317 --> 00:04:44,616 And that's when it really hit me when I was alone, 76 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:46,216 it just came in waves. 77 00:04:46,217 --> 00:04:49,682 In our first session we talked about how natural it is 78 00:04:49,683 --> 00:04:52,682 that we deeply miss the person we love who has died. 79 00:04:52,683 --> 00:04:56,382 For widows and widowers especially the absence 80 00:04:56,383 --> 00:04:59,516 of a spouse often causes intense loneliness. 81 00:04:59,517 --> 00:04:59,882 of a spouse often causes intense loneliness. 82 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:01,516 JoAnne: The loneliness I felt 83 00:05:01,517 --> 00:05:03,316 after my husband's death 84 00:05:03,317 --> 00:05:06,749 was all consuming. 85 00:05:06,750 --> 00:05:11,750 I felt the most lonely when I was in couples or at an event 86 00:05:11,850 --> 00:05:14,582 where there were couples and that surprised me 87 00:05:14,583 --> 00:05:16,849 because I had been fairly independent and going 88 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:18,316 out to things by myself. 89 00:05:18,317 --> 00:05:20,716 It was crushing. 90 00:05:20,717 --> 00:05:23,882 It was this sense of I am alone here. 91 00:05:23,883 --> 00:05:26,916 When we've lost someone we love and it seems like no one 92 00:05:26,917 --> 00:05:29,782 around us fully understands, we can be tempted 93 00:05:29,783 --> 00:05:33,482 to isolate ourselves which only adds to our loneliness. 94 00:05:33,483 --> 00:05:36,849 Linda: After my granddaughter died I buried myself. 95 00:05:36,850 --> 00:05:39,816 My friends, great friends they asked me to go out 96 00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:42,416 but you feel like a third wheel or a fifth wheel 97 00:05:42,417 --> 00:05:47,249 so sometimes you just, you know, choose to be alone. 98 00:05:47,250 --> 00:05:51,116 I wouldn't talk to people, I wouldn't answer the phone, 99 00:05:51,117 --> 00:05:51,982 I wouldn't go anywhere. 100 00:05:51,983 --> 00:05:55,416 I even feel at some points with my daughter I kind of put 101 00:05:55,417 --> 00:05:57,249 up barriers even with my daughter. 102 00:05:57,250 --> 00:06:00,982 I got pretty upset with people in the beginning 103 00:06:00,983 --> 00:06:03,216 for planning things for me, I just wanted 104 00:06:03,217 --> 00:06:06,049 to stay locked in my bedroom. 105 00:06:06,050 --> 00:06:08,216 Because it's easier to sit on the couch 106 00:06:08,217 --> 00:06:11,449 and have a relationship with the couch than it is to go out 107 00:06:11,450 --> 00:06:13,316 and have relationships with others. 108 00:06:13,317 --> 00:06:17,216 I felt like if I could push people away then 109 00:06:17,217 --> 00:06:18,749 if something else tragic 110 00:06:18,750 --> 00:06:23,750 in my life happened it wouldn't hurt any more. 111 00:06:26,017 --> 00:06:29,882 Just because it's common for people to isolate themselves 112 00:06:29,883 --> 00:06:32,616 after the death of a loved one, don't conclude 113 00:06:32,617 --> 00:06:36,716 that it's the best way to handle the pain of your loneliness. 114 00:06:36,717 --> 00:06:40,049 Dr. Tripp: There's a real tendency to 115 00:06:40,050 --> 00:06:43,949 back away from life once I've lost a 116 00:06:43,950 --> 00:06:48,216 loved one and when I do that, when I quit living 117 00:06:48,217 --> 00:06:52,882 when I act like I've died too what I end 118 00:06:52,883 --> 00:06:56,482 up doing is I just strengthen my loneliness. 119 00:06:56,483 --> 00:07:01,316 When you're going through pain and grief it's important 120 00:07:01,317 --> 00:07:03,482 that you stay connected to the body of Christ, 121 00:07:03,483 --> 00:07:05,549 you live in community with other people. 122 00:07:05,550 --> 00:07:09,716 When you are alone a lot and isolate yourself you begin 123 00:07:09,717 --> 00:07:11,682 to think in circular ways. 124 00:07:11,683 --> 00:07:14,882 You may have a thought and it'll go around and around and around 125 00:07:14,883 --> 00:07:16,549 and pretty soon it's poured in concrete. 126 00:07:16,550 --> 00:07:21,116 And so that's what your truth is, you don't have anybody 127 00:07:21,117 --> 00:07:24,616 to break that circular thought; you need to be in a group. 128 00:07:24,617 --> 00:07:27,549 Pushing all my family away just totally left me empty. 129 00:07:27,550 --> 00:07:31,416 I had to make an effort to go out and be with others, 130 00:07:31,417 --> 00:07:35,982 I did not want to be one of those persons who was not a part 131 00:07:35,983 --> 00:07:38,782 of what was going on, I like to be engaged 132 00:07:38,783 --> 00:07:42,849 in whatever activity there is and so I literally fought 133 00:07:42,850 --> 00:07:46,616 through the feeling of going out the door and attending some 134 00:07:46,617 --> 00:07:49,316 of these events and it was tough, 135 00:07:49,317 --> 00:07:53,049 there's no question it's very tough but I felt 136 00:07:53,050 --> 00:07:55,782 that after the first time, the second time 137 00:07:55,783 --> 00:07:58,882 that it would get a bit easier, it took a lot 138 00:07:58,883 --> 00:08:02,549 of times before it got easier but I felt I was called 139 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,349 to do that, I wanted to be part 140 00:08:04,350 --> 00:08:07,149 of the community I had been apart of for 30 years. 141 00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:10,582 At this point it would be helpful for us to distinguish 142 00:08:10,583 --> 00:08:14,516 between harmful isolation and taking advantage 143 00:08:14,517 --> 00:08:16,449 of the benefits of solitude. 144 00:08:16,450 --> 00:08:19,282 Dr. Zonnebelt-Smeenge: I don't really think there's any way people can get 145 00:08:19,283 --> 00:08:20,982 through grieving if they are 146 00:08:20,983 --> 00:08:22,982 with people the majority of the time. 147 00:08:22,983 --> 00:08:25,316 I'm an alone person so I get that. 148 00:08:25,317 --> 00:08:28,716 There's a time for solitude, there's a time to be alone with God 149 00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:31,249 without the television on, without the radio on 150 00:08:31,250 --> 00:08:33,716 without listening to a tape of a sermon and just 151 00:08:33,717 --> 00:08:37,682 to be really alone and in the middle of that aloneness to say, 152 00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:39,716 “Who am I right now? What's happening in me." 153 00:08:39,717 --> 00:08:43,716 The grieving process is intensely personal 154 00:08:43,717 --> 00:08:46,516 and not everybody is going to process the same way, 155 00:08:46,517 --> 00:08:49,216 not everyone is going to understand your emotions 156 00:08:49,217 --> 00:08:52,049 and there are just simply times that being alone 157 00:08:52,050 --> 00:08:57,050 with God is the only way to really unburden your soul. 158 00:08:58,450 --> 00:09:01,616 Therefore you cannot depend ultimately on community 159 00:09:01,617 --> 00:09:03,349 to do all that needs to be done. 160 00:09:03,350 --> 00:09:05,916 You got to be by yourself in the presence of the only one 161 00:09:05,917 --> 00:09:08,049 who knows everything going on inside of you. 162 00:09:08,050 --> 00:09:12,049 Because a lot of it is with God's help we have to work 163 00:09:12,050 --> 00:09:15,049 through and help ourselves heal and we have to figure things 164 00:09:15,050 --> 00:09:18,916 out on our own, not by other people's agenda but by our own. 165 00:09:18,917 --> 00:09:22,016 One time I actually made the time to do that 166 00:09:22,017 --> 00:09:25,916 and had my sister come and stay with my girls while I went 167 00:09:25,917 --> 00:09:30,917 for just a few days to Lake Michigan and just reflected 168 00:09:31,083 --> 00:09:36,083 on what all has happened and just search for God in it all. 169 00:09:36,717 --> 00:09:39,349 At first I couldn't pray at all, 170 00:09:39,350 --> 00:09:42,216 I just felt like the only prayer that I could utter was, 171 00:09:42,217 --> 00:09:46,782 “Oh God," and I think that was fine, that God understood that. 172 00:09:46,783 --> 00:09:51,149 By now you realize no one can fully understand exactly 173 00:09:51,150 --> 00:09:52,549 what you're going through. 174 00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:55,482 But God the one who created you 175 00:09:55,483 --> 00:09:59,016 and knows your every thought is intimately aware 176 00:09:59,017 --> 00:10:00,749 of the depth of your pain. 177 00:10:00,750 --> 00:10:02,549 One of the reasons why people don't share, 178 00:10:02,550 --> 00:10:05,049 one of the reasons why I sometimes don't share is you're 179 00:10:05,050 --> 00:10:07,316 not going to really hear me. 180 00:10:07,317 --> 00:10:08,682 You're not going to know what I'm saying. 181 00:10:08,683 --> 00:10:10,016 I'm going to put it this way and you're going 182 00:10:10,017 --> 00:10:10,782 to say, 'Well, Larry it sounds 183 00:10:10,783 --> 00:10:13,216 like you're feeling..." I want to go, “No, not quite." 184 00:10:13,217 --> 00:10:14,249 Then I'm going to say. 185 00:10:14,250 --> 00:10:16,690 “I'm tired of this conversation I don't want to talk any more. 186 00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:21,016 I've got some really close friends. I've got a good community 187 00:10:21,017 --> 00:10:22,249 and I've got a couple of friends 188 00:10:22,250 --> 00:10:25,349 that know me very, very profoundly. 189 00:10:25,350 --> 00:10:27,716 Every time I have a conversation with them there's a part 190 00:10:27,717 --> 00:10:30,649 of me that's disappointed because there's a part 191 00:10:30,650 --> 00:10:33,282 of me they can't touch, they can't know all 192 00:10:33,283 --> 00:10:36,916 about me no matter how open I am. And when I go to a community, 193 00:10:36,917 --> 00:10:41,917 a friend, a spouse, whoever, a Pastor, somehow expecting them 194 00:10:42,117 --> 00:10:47,117 to do what God alone can do, I'm going to walk away irritated, 195 00:10:47,717 --> 00:10:52,349 disillusioned, disappointed, frustrated and giving 196 00:10:52,350 --> 00:10:54,882 up on what can happen in community. 197 00:10:54,883 --> 00:10:59,482 Because wonderful things can happen in community but not everything. 198 00:10:59,483 --> 00:11:02,382 At that point where I had time alone 199 00:11:02,383 --> 00:11:05,516 with Him no distractions it was just me and Him 200 00:11:05,517 --> 00:11:10,316 and nature I could just commune with Him 201 00:11:10,317 --> 00:11:13,582 and maybe they weren't lengthy prayers but I just felt 202 00:11:13,583 --> 00:11:15,016 like He was there with me. 203 00:11:15,017 --> 00:11:17,682 He was there aching with me and going 204 00:11:17,683 --> 00:11:21,392 through these intense grief emotions. 205 00:11:21,750 --> 00:11:24,149 Male Narrator: Marni's story is a helpful example 206 00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:27,149 of how you can benefit from solitude but you don't have 207 00:11:27,150 --> 00:11:31,316 to leave town to get alone with God, you can get away with God 208 00:11:31,317 --> 00:11:35,116 in a quiet room, in your car or at a local park. 209 00:11:35,117 --> 00:11:38,549 You just need to find a place where you won't be distracted, 210 00:11:38,550 --> 00:11:41,549 use the time you have to read your Bible, pray, 211 00:11:41,550 --> 00:11:44,349 work on the exercises in your GriefShare workbook 212 00:11:44,350 --> 00:11:47,649 or anything else that helps you process your situation in light 213 00:11:47,650 --> 00:11:50,824 of God's presence and truth. 214 00:11:51,983 --> 00:11:56,983 [Music] 215 00:12:05,383 --> 00:12:09,849 Honey can you help me with something? 216 00:12:09,850 --> 00:12:14,016 Not now! 217 00:12:14,017 --> 00:12:19,017 Jodi: I remember getting very frustrated with people 218 00:12:19,050 --> 00:12:20,849 you know what I mean because I wanted them 219 00:12:20,850 --> 00:12:22,582 to understand what I was going through. 220 00:12:22,583 --> 00:12:24,949 I was coming through the checkout counter 221 00:12:24,950 --> 00:12:28,116 with a rather large basket full of groceries 222 00:12:28,117 --> 00:12:30,982 and the clerk looked at me and said, “What did your wife do 223 00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:33,382 to you to make you come and get the groceries?" 224 00:12:33,383 --> 00:12:35,416 And I just looked at her and said, “She died." 225 00:12:35,417 --> 00:12:38,416 There were times that I'm sure yelled, 226 00:12:38,417 --> 00:12:41,016 I am sure there were times I hung up phones on people. 227 00:12:41,017 --> 00:12:44,016 But I think that's representative of the kind 228 00:12:44,017 --> 00:12:47,516 of frustration we sometimes have when we're grieving 229 00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:51,382 and we just get our emotions are frayed and they are on edge 230 00:12:51,383 --> 00:12:56,383 and you just sometimes tend to bury people with honesty. 231 00:12:57,717 --> 00:12:59,849 Nancy: When we're grieving we sometimes feel 232 00:12:59,850 --> 00:13:03,349 like we have an excuse to snap at others or feel 233 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,716 that we have no emotional resources to drawn upon 234 00:13:05,717 --> 00:13:07,949 to be patient or kind. 235 00:13:07,950 --> 00:13:12,016 But grief doesn't provide us with an excuse for being rude. 236 00:13:12,017 --> 00:13:15,316 Plus our harsh words often end up hurting the people 237 00:13:15,317 --> 00:13:17,816 who care for or need us the most. 238 00:13:17,817 --> 00:13:20,049 Just because I'm angry 239 00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:24,649 at my situation does not give me the right to be angry 240 00:13:24,650 --> 00:13:27,349 and aggressive at the people around me. 241 00:13:27,350 --> 00:13:29,149 Christians have to make a distinction 242 00:13:29,150 --> 00:13:32,416 between making sure we say the truth, always being candid, 243 00:13:32,417 --> 00:13:36,016 telling people exactly how we feel or what has happened 244 00:13:36,017 --> 00:13:39,516 but the way in which we say it is I think very important 245 00:13:39,517 --> 00:13:42,216 because the Bible also talks about being hospitable, 246 00:13:42,217 --> 00:13:44,049 being kind, being gentle. 247 00:13:44,050 --> 00:13:45,782 Just because there's intensity 248 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:50,149 of emotion doesn't mean that we have the freedom to express it. 249 00:13:50,150 --> 00:13:52,749 Your intense pain is real 250 00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:55,816 but giving them the proper expression helps you 251 00:13:55,817 --> 00:13:58,249 in the recovery process rather 252 00:13:58,250 --> 00:14:02,416 than just here I am these are my emotions, you deal with it. 253 00:14:02,417 --> 00:14:04,982 We do need to be characterized 254 00:14:04,983 --> 00:14:07,349 by love first, self-control first. 255 00:14:07,350 --> 00:14:10,749 Suppose you are a widow and let's say you're convinced 256 00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:13,249 that solitude can help you so you decide 257 00:14:13,250 --> 00:14:14,549 to go to the park and pray. 258 00:14:14,550 --> 00:14:17,816 It's a great idea but what would happen 259 00:14:17,817 --> 00:14:21,549 if you saw an elderly couple enjoying a walk in the park 260 00:14:21,550 --> 00:14:24,616 or if you lost a child what would happen 261 00:14:24,617 --> 00:14:27,916 if you saw a dad playing catch with his son. 262 00:14:27,917 --> 00:14:31,116 You might be ashamed to admit it but you may struggle 263 00:14:31,117 --> 00:14:32,649 with feelings of jealousy. 264 00:14:32,650 --> 00:14:37,650 Judy: It's very common to see a child the same age as yours 265 00:14:37,817 --> 00:14:41,516 and think I'm never going to have that again, my child died. 266 00:14:41,517 --> 00:14:44,249 That surprised me how jealous I was of people 267 00:14:44,250 --> 00:14:46,649 who still had their spouses and I didn't any more. 268 00:14:46,650 --> 00:14:48,082 I thought it was very unfair. 269 00:14:48,083 --> 00:14:51,482 It's not necessarily the couples that I see at church 270 00:14:51,483 --> 00:14:52,682 and that I've been friends 271 00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:56,282 with that's a problem it's the couples that I see on the street 272 00:14:56,283 --> 00:14:59,016 that I don't know, you know when I'm walking 273 00:14:59,017 --> 00:14:59,116 that I don't know, you know when I'm walking 274 00:14:59,117 --> 00:15:01,382 or when their walking down the street holding hands 275 00:15:01,383 --> 00:15:05,116 and that sort of thing. Then I kind of, it kind of bothers me. 276 00:15:05,117 --> 00:15:09,216 It's very common to see a parent and child 277 00:15:09,217 --> 00:15:14,217 where the parent isn't reacting the best 278 00:15:14,417 --> 00:15:16,449 to that child's misbehavior 279 00:15:16,450 --> 00:15:18,782 and think they don't deserve that one. 280 00:15:18,783 --> 00:15:21,249 I was chatting with a girlfriend on the phone 281 00:15:21,250 --> 00:15:22,516 and she was complaining 282 00:15:22,517 --> 00:15:27,517 about how messy her husband was leaving the kitchen lately 283 00:15:28,050 --> 00:15:31,682 and it just really irked me 284 00:15:31,683 --> 00:15:34,849 because I thought how I would love to be cleaning 285 00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:37,682 up after my husband right now in the kitchen. 286 00:15:37,683 --> 00:15:40,016 I got irritated with her 287 00:15:40,017 --> 00:15:45,017 and I said, “You know I wish I had that problem." 288 00:15:46,750 --> 00:15:49,216 Maybe I was at the drug store or the grocery store 289 00:15:49,217 --> 00:15:51,349 and to see a man and woman kind of squabble 290 00:15:51,350 --> 00:15:53,982 with each other, like I wanted to grab them and shake them and say, 291 00:15:53,983 --> 00:15:55,216 “But at least you have each other." 292 00:15:55,217 --> 00:16:00,217 Those are common reactions and it's an opportunity 293 00:16:00,317 --> 00:16:03,482 for you to begin to deal with the flaws in your own heart 294 00:16:03,483 --> 00:16:08,416 and to begin to realize that God gave you a gift in the person 295 00:16:08,417 --> 00:16:12,516 who you did have, God gave you a gift of all the time 296 00:16:12,517 --> 00:16:17,382 that you had together and to be thankful for what you had. 297 00:16:17,383 --> 00:16:22,383 Anger and jealousy for others are things 298 00:16:22,983 --> 00:16:24,749 that God didn't intend for us to do. 299 00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:27,349 If the way you've treated others during your grieving 300 00:16:27,350 --> 00:16:31,649 process has harmed some of your relationships here's some advice 301 00:16:31,650 --> 00:16:32,949 on how to restore them. 302 00:16:32,950 --> 00:16:36,716 I'm saddened sometimes about the way maybe that I behaved, 303 00:16:36,717 --> 00:16:39,116 I don't even know if I remember them all 304 00:16:39,117 --> 00:16:42,849 because of being in so much grief. 305 00:16:42,850 --> 00:16:47,316 I pray that you know I asked for forgiveness you know 306 00:16:47,317 --> 00:16:49,549 of the people that I've hurt 307 00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:51,349 because I would have never of wanted 308 00:16:51,350 --> 00:16:53,849 to do anything to harm anybody else. 309 00:16:53,850 --> 00:16:55,816 So one of the things that's really, 310 00:16:55,817 --> 00:16:59,849 really helpful then once you begin to come out of that 311 00:16:59,850 --> 00:17:02,249 and you start feeling like 312 00:17:02,250 --> 00:17:07,250 I want to be with people again, is just being honest. 313 00:17:09,083 --> 00:17:12,949 “You know seriously just honesty you know it was really hard 314 00:17:12,950 --> 00:17:17,116 for me to try to be with people when I was suffering like that 315 00:17:17,117 --> 00:17:20,816 but forgive me if I hurt you while I was going 316 00:17:20,817 --> 00:17:23,416 through that. It wasn't my intention to hurt you 317 00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:27,849 but it was just because I felt like I had to be alone 318 00:17:27,850 --> 00:17:32,549 and now please can we try to, can we try 319 00:17:32,550 --> 00:17:37,550 to reestablish this relationship." 320 00:17:38,583 --> 00:17:42,016 Of course your words, attitudes 321 00:17:42,017 --> 00:17:45,316 or actions may not always be the primary source 322 00:17:45,317 --> 00:17:47,216 of difficulty in a relationship. 323 00:17:47,217 --> 00:17:49,282 Sometimes people just don't know how 324 00:17:49,283 --> 00:17:51,249 to respond to you when you're grieving. 325 00:17:51,250 --> 00:17:53,549 When that happens it's possible 326 00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:55,316 that they withdraw from you. 327 00:17:55,317 --> 00:17:59,249 Gerri: People have told me that when you lose your spouse you lose 328 00:17:59,250 --> 00:18:00,849 a lot of relationships. 329 00:18:00,850 --> 00:18:02,616 I really didn't think that was going 330 00:18:02,617 --> 00:18:06,416 to be true for me but it was. 331 00:18:06,417 --> 00:18:09,616 It's been hurtful because they were 332 00:18:09,617 --> 00:18:13,349 always there when he was sick. 333 00:18:13,350 --> 00:18:16,516 And I feel like I have just been left alone. 334 00:18:16,517 --> 00:18:18,949 It was interesting when Rick died 335 00:18:18,950 --> 00:18:21,916 that some people had the notion that I had more free time 336 00:18:21,917 --> 00:18:24,782 and that there was time that they could fill up and do things 337 00:18:24,783 --> 00:18:28,216 with me and so they would say, “You must have a lot of time 338 00:18:28,217 --> 00:18:31,416 on your hands would you like to do this or this or this?" 339 00:18:31,417 --> 00:18:34,749 And I looked at them and thought, 'What are they thinking?" 340 00:18:34,750 --> 00:18:38,449 My spouse wasn't a couch potato he functioned 341 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:42,216 in this marriage he did a lot of things to contribute to life 342 00:18:42,217 --> 00:18:45,482 and now I'm one person that has to do the things 343 00:18:45,483 --> 00:18:48,949 that two people did in our relationship before. 344 00:18:48,950 --> 00:18:53,950 So rather than making life more free it made it busier and more difficult. 345 00:18:55,450 --> 00:19:00,049 I found that the relationships I had were not 346 00:19:00,050 --> 00:19:01,749 what I thought they were. 347 00:19:01,750 --> 00:19:06,416 There's only a select handful of friends that want 348 00:19:06,417 --> 00:19:10,249 to acknowledge what we've gone through. 349 00:19:10,250 --> 00:19:13,916 So why do friendships change after the death of a loved one? 350 00:19:13,917 --> 00:19:16,982 Sometimes people simply have to get back 351 00:19:16,983 --> 00:19:21,516 to their daily lives. To us it may feel like abandonment 352 00:19:21,517 --> 00:19:23,216 but they're really just returning 353 00:19:23,217 --> 00:19:25,049 to their responsibilities. 354 00:19:25,050 --> 00:19:28,416 Albert: One of the more difficult things that we've had to face 355 00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:33,417 over this time period has been our association 356 00:19:34,617 --> 00:19:36,516 with former friends. 357 00:19:36,517 --> 00:19:40,682 I think it's really hard when people move from the few months 358 00:19:40,683 --> 00:19:42,716 after grief to longer than that 359 00:19:42,717 --> 00:19:46,082 it's hard to know why so many people 360 00:19:46,083 --> 00:19:48,849 were there for so long and then they're gone. 361 00:19:48,850 --> 00:19:51,349 The reality is that they get back to their lives. 362 00:19:51,350 --> 00:19:56,182 The death of someone is an enormous interruption into life 363 00:19:56,183 --> 00:19:58,516 and into the friend's lives around you and so they need 364 00:19:58,517 --> 00:20:00,149 and into the friend's lives around you and so they need 365 00:20:00,150 --> 00:20:03,949 at some point to be able to move back into their own lives. 366 00:20:03,950 --> 00:20:08,916 I think in our minds we have these expectations 367 00:20:08,917 --> 00:20:11,982 that these people are going to always be there for us 368 00:20:11,983 --> 00:20:14,916 and it sets our own selves up for disappointment 369 00:20:14,917 --> 00:20:16,682 because they do have their lives 370 00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:20,149 and they do have their families and they do go on. 371 00:20:20,150 --> 00:20:24,082 If you've lost a spouse there are some other unique reasons 372 00:20:24,083 --> 00:20:26,616 that your friends may be uncomfortable with you. 373 00:20:26,617 --> 00:20:29,916 I have one of my friends, I love this man dearly 374 00:20:29,917 --> 00:20:34,149 but it's different now that I'm single, if we're going 375 00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:37,682 to socialize we go one on one 376 00:20:37,683 --> 00:20:39,949 and very rarely does his wife come along. 377 00:20:39,950 --> 00:20:44,950 Because it has presented what I call the third wheel type thing. 378 00:20:46,550 --> 00:20:48,582 When he and I get together we can be silly, 379 00:20:48,583 --> 00:20:53,583 were just two little boys but when his wife is 380 00:20:53,650 --> 00:20:58,650 in the picture then there's a strain, I sense a strain. 381 00:20:58,983 --> 00:21:01,482 And so friendships do change probably 382 00:21:01,483 --> 00:21:04,782 for three primary reasons, one of them is 383 00:21:04,783 --> 00:21:07,782 that perhaps it's really hard for the other couple 384 00:21:07,783 --> 00:21:10,649 to see the widowed person by him or herself 385 00:21:10,650 --> 00:21:14,349 because that's painful, they cared about the person who died 386 00:21:14,350 --> 00:21:17,516 and the widowed person is just a real reminder 387 00:21:17,517 --> 00:21:20,416 that their friend is now dead. 388 00:21:20,417 --> 00:21:24,349 Another reason is that it's not too hard then to say 389 00:21:24,350 --> 00:21:26,949 if this could happen to my friends it could happen to us 390 00:21:26,950 --> 00:21:30,982 as a couple and that's an unpleasant thought for a lot 391 00:21:30,983 --> 00:21:33,916 of married couples and so they want to shy away from that 392 00:21:33,917 --> 00:21:35,882 because they don't want to be in the same boat. 393 00:21:35,883 --> 00:21:40,616 And probably a third reason is that its safe 394 00:21:40,617 --> 00:21:43,082 when there's two couples getting together 395 00:21:43,083 --> 00:21:48,083 but when one person is really single now, no longer married 396 00:21:48,983 --> 00:21:52,016 or coupled and really technically available 397 00:21:52,017 --> 00:21:54,482 that person can sometimes be seen as a threat, 398 00:21:54,483 --> 00:21:57,482 So sometimes our friends pull away from us. 399 00:21:57,483 --> 00:22:00,449 Other times our friends don't avoid us at all, 400 00:22:00,450 --> 00:22:04,516 instead they miss the way things used to be and pressure us 401 00:22:04,517 --> 00:22:07,982 to get back to our old self more quickly than we're ready for. 402 00:22:07,983 --> 00:22:10,782 Nancy: If this is what you're dealing with it can help 403 00:22:10,783 --> 00:22:12,716 to have a straight forward conversation 404 00:22:12,717 --> 00:22:15,882 with your friends letting them know what you need. 405 00:22:15,883 --> 00:22:18,549 Dr. Zonnebelt-Smeege: To bring that up in a way like, 406 00:22:18,550 --> 00:22:21,249 “It seems like maybe this is a little bit uncomfortable 407 00:22:21,250 --> 00:22:23,316 and awkward, it's really different for me, 408 00:22:23,317 --> 00:22:24,949 I bet it's different for you too." 409 00:22:24,950 --> 00:22:26,049 And you have to be able to say 410 00:22:26,050 --> 00:22:30,249 to your real friends, “You know I'd love to be able to do this 411 00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:34,549 but I can't and so I've got to put some limitations on myself 412 00:22:34,550 --> 00:22:36,749 and it doesn't mean I don't care about you or that I don't want 413 00:22:36,750 --> 00:22:40,482 to be with you but my life is different now and so I have 414 00:22:40,483 --> 00:22:41,816 to handle some things differently." 415 00:22:41,817 --> 00:22:45,249 It can even maybe progress down the pike 416 00:22:45,250 --> 00:22:48,249 to you know how are we going to continue to do this relationship 417 00:22:48,250 --> 00:22:52,516 and maybe sometimes it's more that the two people 418 00:22:52,517 --> 00:22:55,016 of the same sex get together if you're a female 419 00:22:55,017 --> 00:22:56,982 and you're widowed, maybe you 420 00:22:56,983 --> 00:22:59,882 and the other woman do more woman things together 421 00:22:59,883 --> 00:23:02,649 if the man feels a little bit uncomfortable 422 00:23:02,650 --> 00:23:05,149 because his buddy isn't there anymore to kind 423 00:23:05,150 --> 00:23:07,549 of balance things off or vice-versa. 424 00:23:07,550 --> 00:23:09,316 When they want us to be back to our old selves 425 00:23:09,317 --> 00:23:10,616 I think we need to be very honest 426 00:23:10,617 --> 00:23:13,416 and say, “I will never be back to my old self, 427 00:23:13,417 --> 00:23:15,049 I will become a new person 428 00:23:15,050 --> 00:23:17,049 but I will not be the same as you are used to." 429 00:23:17,050 --> 00:23:20,282 I think it's helpful then for widowed people to explain 430 00:23:20,283 --> 00:23:25,283 when people think their life is simpler and less time consuming now 431 00:23:26,250 --> 00:23:27,316 than what it was before. 432 00:23:27,317 --> 00:23:31,682 To simply say, “You know my life really has become more complex, 433 00:23:31,683 --> 00:23:35,449 I'm one person doing two people's jobs, that makes it harder. 434 00:23:35,450 --> 00:23:37,816 There was one friend in particular who was upset 435 00:23:37,817 --> 00:23:40,516 because I didn't have time to do the things I used to do 436 00:23:40,517 --> 00:23:42,382 with her, I didn't have time. 437 00:23:42,383 --> 00:23:45,282 We used to play tennis a lot together and I didn't have time for that. 438 00:23:45,283 --> 00:23:49,282 There was a lunch meeting that I missed and I just forgot it 439 00:23:49,283 --> 00:23:52,916 because I had other things to do and I apologized 440 00:23:52,917 --> 00:23:55,949 and she just felt like I didn't have time for her anymore 441 00:23:55,950 --> 00:23:59,349 and the friendship kind of went by the wayside. 442 00:23:59,350 --> 00:24:01,682 And part of that is just knowing 443 00:24:01,683 --> 00:24:04,849 that some people won't understand 444 00:24:04,850 --> 00:24:08,116 and won't be agreeable to the way your life is right now. 445 00:24:08,117 --> 00:24:10,682 So even your best efforts 446 00:24:10,683 --> 00:24:14,349 to maintain your friendships won't work in every case, 447 00:24:14,350 --> 00:24:17,182 but as Dr. Smeenge mentioned you will make new 448 00:24:17,183 --> 00:24:20,882 friends, you may have already discovered that to be true. 449 00:24:20,883 --> 00:24:25,883 Nancy: And sometimes new same sex friendships can be a key to our healing. 450 00:24:25,983 --> 00:24:30,116 Dr. DeVries: A lot of the former friends or the existing friends that I had 451 00:24:30,117 --> 00:24:33,249 when I would meet them were still seeing me 452 00:24:33,250 --> 00:24:36,716 as sort of half a couple because every time I would run 453 00:24:36,717 --> 00:24:40,849 into them I would remind them of Char and her death. 454 00:24:40,850 --> 00:24:45,749 And it was only when I began making several new friends not 455 00:24:45,750 --> 00:24:46,816 putting the old ones behind me 456 00:24:46,817 --> 00:24:50,483 but at least making new friends they were able to see me kind 457 00:24:50,484 --> 00:24:53,116 of on my own merits, they'd see me as an individual. 458 00:24:53,117 --> 00:24:55,349 I found a lot of ladies, 459 00:24:55,350 --> 00:24:58,116 through different various channels 460 00:24:58,117 --> 00:24:58,516 that had small children, they were alone as well, 461 00:24:58,517 --> 00:25:00,116 that had small children, they were alone as well, 462 00:25:00,117 --> 00:25:01,349 that may have lost their spouse. 463 00:25:01,350 --> 00:25:04,049 And so it wasn't that now here comes a half a person 464 00:25:04,050 --> 00:25:06,816 or a half a couple. Here come Bob DeVries 465 00:25:06,817 --> 00:25:09,116 and here comes this person that we're getting 466 00:25:09,117 --> 00:25:12,916 to know pretty well. That I found to be very freeing, 467 00:25:12,917 --> 00:25:16,316 kind of exhilarating, it gave me a little more self-confidence, 468 00:25:16,317 --> 00:25:17,549 a little more self-esteem 469 00:25:17,550 --> 00:25:21,716 so that I wasn't the wounded half a couple who was now kind 470 00:25:21,717 --> 00:25:24,949 of disintegrating but that I was a real person 471 00:25:24,950 --> 00:25:27,216 in my own right doing the kinds of things 472 00:25:27,217 --> 00:25:30,116 that other people found to be helpful or attractive 473 00:25:30,117 --> 00:25:32,083 or at least nice to be with. 474 00:25:32,084 --> 00:25:34,716 And sometimes we don't like to say goodbye 475 00:25:34,717 --> 00:25:37,516 to our old friends but life has a way 476 00:25:37,517 --> 00:25:40,623 of making us get new friends. 477 00:25:41,650 --> 00:25:45,749 Ami: We kind of isolated ourselves, my husband and I 478 00:25:45,750 --> 00:25:47,849 that was just who we were. 479 00:25:47,850 --> 00:25:49,882 Female Narrator: Ami's husband died of a heart attack. 480 00:25:49,883 --> 00:25:52,616 After being married for nearly 30 years 481 00:25:52,617 --> 00:25:56,049 she found it hard to build new relationships. 482 00:25:56,050 --> 00:25:58,016 Well, when you're a team 483 00:25:58,017 --> 00:26:03,017 for 26 years you pretty much become each others best friends 484 00:26:03,750 --> 00:26:06,082 and that's exactly what we were. 485 00:26:06,083 --> 00:26:09,382 So we did everything together, we did 486 00:26:09,383 --> 00:26:13,383 house chores, we did the yard work, we went food shopping together, 487 00:26:13,384 --> 00:26:18,049 we did laundry together, we did everything together. 488 00:26:18,050 --> 00:26:22,282 I don't have many friends because he was my friend. 489 00:26:22,283 --> 00:26:27,283 I have acquaintances. So it's difficult for me to kind 490 00:26:27,517 --> 00:26:31,749 of be vulnerable and reach out and make new friends. 491 00:26:31,750 --> 00:26:35,082 Female Narrator: But slowly Ami realized that to heal 492 00:26:35,083 --> 00:26:40,083 from her grief she needs the help of others. 493 00:26:40,950 --> 00:26:43,849 I'm actually trying to be a little bit more vulnerable, 494 00:26:43,850 --> 00:26:48,850 I'm just allowing myself to just say hello and say, “Hi, I'm Ami." 495 00:26:50,284 --> 00:26:55,284 I have joined two Bible study groups so I am involved 496 00:26:56,150 --> 00:26:59,316 with those people, with them and their groups, 497 00:26:59,317 --> 00:27:00,382 and they have been wonderful. 498 00:27:00,383 --> 00:27:03,549 I was able to give my testimony two weeks ago at one 499 00:27:03,550 --> 00:27:06,949 of the Bible study groups and I was so excited, they were just 500 00:27:06,950 --> 00:27:14,950 so warm and so welcoming and I thought what was I so afraid of. 501 00:27:16,283 --> 00:27:18,516 Maintaining relationships 502 00:27:18,517 --> 00:27:20,716 after a loved one dies isn't easy; 503 00:27:20,717 --> 00:27:25,282 sometimes like Ami we find it easier to isolate ourselves. 504 00:27:25,283 --> 00:27:27,849 But if you try you'll find that taking the time 505 00:27:27,850 --> 00:27:30,383 to make new friends can actually help you heal 506 00:27:30,384 --> 00:27:32,057 from the pain of grief. 507 00:27:32,950 --> 00:27:37,950 [Music] 508 00:27:47,984 --> 00:27:50,349 And what did he say to you? 509 00:27:50,350 --> 00:27:52,816 He told me that I'd get over the death of my son 510 00:27:52,817 --> 00:27:54,649 because I had so many other children. 511 00:27:54,650 --> 00:27:58,016 I can't believe that. 512 00:27:58,017 --> 00:28:00,382 And what did you say to him? 513 00:28:00,383 --> 00:28:02,216 When you're at a public park 514 00:28:02,217 --> 00:28:05,516 like this one you don't have much control over the people 515 00:28:05,517 --> 00:28:08,216 around you and sometimes you can be offended 516 00:28:08,217 --> 00:28:09,816 by the things you overhear. 517 00:28:09,817 --> 00:28:12,282 Off color humor, vulgar language, 518 00:28:12,283 --> 00:28:14,349 abusive exchanges, you name it. 519 00:28:14,350 --> 00:28:18,049 In a similar way when you're grieving and you go 520 00:28:18,050 --> 00:28:21,849 out in public you may not be able to avoid the offensive 521 00:28:21,850 --> 00:28:24,916 and insensitive things people say. 522 00:28:24,917 --> 00:28:26,649 Sharon: At Myron's funeral 523 00:28:26,650 --> 00:28:29,516 a woman came through and she said, 524 00:28:29,517 --> 00:28:31,482 “Well,” she said, “At least you won't have 525 00:28:31,483 --> 00:28:34,782 to diaper train or potty train him, 526 00:28:34,783 --> 00:28:39,449 and I thought, “Oh, dear lady I'd potty train 10 two year olds 527 00:28:39,450 --> 00:28:40,749 if I could have my son back." 528 00:28:40,750 --> 00:28:43,883 I would have friends come to me and actually say, 529 00:28:43,884 --> 00:28:48,482 “Michele where's your faith, your faith is not strong enough." 530 00:28:48,483 --> 00:28:49,816 When I tell people my mom died 531 00:28:49,817 --> 00:28:52,282 at age 69 they'd go, “Oh, she was really young." 532 00:28:52,283 --> 00:28:54,682 Well I'm not sure how I was supposed to feel about that. 533 00:28:54,683 --> 00:28:58,549 “Well your sister had cancer so you had time to grieve ahead 534 00:28:58,550 --> 00:29:00,949 of time, you had time to prepare yourself." 535 00:29:00,950 --> 00:29:05,950 And that just really burned me because I did not want 536 00:29:09,050 --> 00:29:11,149 to be grieving when my sister was alive. 537 00:29:11,150 --> 00:29:14,016 I'd hear things like well you just need to get a hobby. 538 00:29:14,017 --> 00:29:16,183 Why would somebody say that? 539 00:29:16,184 --> 00:29:18,716 “You'll get over it in a year." And it was like, “How do you get 540 00:29:18,717 --> 00:29:20,216 over the death of your son?" 541 00:29:20,217 --> 00:29:22,816 “You need to move back to Florida around your family. 542 00:29:22,817 --> 00:29:26,882 And you'll leave all this behind." As if some magical change 543 00:29:26,883 --> 00:29:29,682 of latitude is going to change this attitude. 544 00:29:29,683 --> 00:29:31,616 The most insensitive comment that I received 545 00:29:31,617 --> 00:29:36,617 after my brother's death was a woman who came to me 546 00:29:37,150 --> 00:29:42,150 and she said, “My husband was not a Christian but he came 547 00:29:42,683 --> 00:29:45,549 to the memorial service when your brother died 548 00:29:45,550 --> 00:29:47,883 because I was a client of your brother 549 00:29:47,884 --> 00:29:50,649 and at the memorial service he became a Christian." 550 00:29:50,650 --> 00:29:53,116 Well, I think that's wonderful, but then she said these words 551 00:29:53,117 --> 00:29:57,316 to me, “Now we know why your brother had to die." 552 00:29:57,317 --> 00:29:58,016 That was not a good sentence, God could have saved that guy 553 00:29:58,017 --> 00:30:00,182 That was not a good sentence, God could have saved that guy 554 00:30:00,183 --> 00:30:03,482 without my brother's death, now did God use my brother's death, 555 00:30:03,483 --> 00:30:06,049 yeah he did but I don't agree with your theology. 556 00:30:06,050 --> 00:30:07,449 People often try to comfort me 557 00:30:07,450 --> 00:30:10,483 by saying 'Well your husband is in heaven, 558 00:30:10,484 --> 00:30:13,182 he's worshiping God, he's at the throne of grace." 559 00:30:13,183 --> 00:30:17,682 “Hey every thing's cool, Melissa is in heaven, move on." 560 00:30:17,683 --> 00:30:22,683 Carla: My sorrow has been wrapped up in our loss in the change 561 00:30:26,117 --> 00:30:28,949 that we now have, we miss him. 562 00:30:28,950 --> 00:30:33,950 So our tears are for us, our sadness is not 563 00:30:33,983 --> 00:30:40,229 over his eternity our sadness is over our present life. 564 00:30:43,050 --> 00:30:45,716 David: insensitive comments are unavoidable 565 00:30:45,717 --> 00:30:48,583 so how should you respond? 566 00:30:48,584 --> 00:30:49,449 Nancy: With mercy. 567 00:30:49,450 --> 00:30:54,450 Sylvia: Some of those comments are, they hurt. 568 00:30:57,350 --> 00:31:00,482 But at the same time like I said I know 569 00:31:00,483 --> 00:31:04,883 that they just cannot, they can't comprehend it. 570 00:31:04,884 --> 00:31:08,349 My sister would say, “God will only give you, you know, 571 00:31:08,350 --> 00:31:11,916 as much as you can handle." And I thought at that point 572 00:31:11,917 --> 00:31:15,182 in time I just wanted to strangle her and I'd look at her 573 00:31:15,183 --> 00:31:16,282 and I'd say, “Oh my God, 574 00:31:16,283 --> 00:31:19,682 if she only really knew. She has no idea what I'm going 575 00:31:19,683 --> 00:31:24,683 through right now." And I have to keep reminding myself 576 00:31:25,350 --> 00:31:27,582 that I used to be that same person too, 577 00:31:27,583 --> 00:31:30,549 until you actually go through an experience you have no idea 578 00:31:30,550 --> 00:31:33,449 really the stupid things you really say. 579 00:31:33,450 --> 00:31:36,082 I think I was in college and I found 580 00:31:36,083 --> 00:31:40,449 out a friend's sister had been killed tragically 581 00:31:40,450 --> 00:31:45,450 in an accident, and I remember thinking, “I hope I don't see my friend. 582 00:31:46,150 --> 00:31:49,783 I won't know what to say to her. 583 00:31:49,784 --> 00:31:53,782 Please God don't let me run into her on campus." 584 00:31:53,783 --> 00:31:58,349 Instead of looking to send a card, to seek her out, 585 00:31:58,350 --> 00:32:02,116 I was saying “Oh, please I hope I don't see her." 586 00:32:02,117 --> 00:32:03,782 How lousy is that? 587 00:32:03,783 --> 00:32:08,482 Phil: Because God Himself has been so merciful and patient with me 588 00:32:08,483 --> 00:32:13,483 when I have sinned against Him that becomes a model for us 589 00:32:14,783 --> 00:32:19,783 when others are just insensitive to us in the midst of our grief. 590 00:32:21,317 --> 00:32:25,816 Find your comfort in God and don't depend on the people 591 00:32:25,817 --> 00:32:29,116 around you to be able to respond in a way 592 00:32:29,117 --> 00:32:31,383 that you may have preconceived in your mind. 593 00:32:31,384 --> 00:32:36,183 It's better to just accept it for what it is and then trust 594 00:32:36,184 --> 00:32:39,183 that whatever the reaction is that you're going 595 00:32:39,184 --> 00:32:42,516 to receive all the grace and comfort that you need 596 00:32:42,517 --> 00:32:44,149 from God to deal with that. 597 00:32:44,150 --> 00:32:46,849 Every once in a while someone does something 598 00:32:46,850 --> 00:32:51,850 or says something that's unhelpful but who can relate to this? 599 00:32:54,017 --> 00:32:55,916 There's no right thing to say. 600 00:32:55,917 --> 00:33:00,917 There's nothing that is going to take away the pain. 601 00:33:00,950 --> 00:33:03,949 There's nothing that's going to bring the kind of 602 00:33:03,950 --> 00:33:05,949 relief that people are hoping to bring. 603 00:33:05,950 --> 00:33:08,183 One of the ways that we care for others around us 604 00:33:08,184 --> 00:33:12,116 in the midst of our grief, we're also concerned about them 605 00:33:12,117 --> 00:33:17,117 and we want to make their ministry to us as easy 606 00:33:18,583 --> 00:33:23,583 as it can be so we don't expect perfection from other people. 607 00:33:23,950 --> 00:33:25,649 Because we're walking through life together 608 00:33:25,650 --> 00:33:29,549 and nobody gets it right all the time, I don't get it right 609 00:33:29,550 --> 00:33:32,216 and someday I'll be the one who will say 610 00:33:32,217 --> 00:33:35,249 or do something a little odd, unhelpful and I'm going 611 00:33:35,250 --> 00:33:36,849 to need their forgiveness. 612 00:33:36,850 --> 00:33:41,850 [Music] 613 00:33:50,250 --> 00:33:54,116 You may be blessed to know people who can identify with you 614 00:33:54,117 --> 00:33:56,882 because they've also experienced grief. 615 00:33:56,883 --> 00:33:59,849 And hopefully they're a source of comfort to you. 616 00:33:59,850 --> 00:34:02,483 But sometimes even those who are acquainted 617 00:34:02,484 --> 00:34:06,049 with grief can share truths that you are not quite ready for. 618 00:34:06,050 --> 00:34:09,882 Sue: Sometimes people will 619 00:34:09,883 --> 00:34:14,883 share a truth with you that has meant a lot to them 620 00:34:14,917 --> 00:34:19,917 but it feels like a slap in the face to you 621 00:34:22,717 --> 00:34:25,549 and it's really hard to know how to respond especially 622 00:34:25,550 --> 00:34:27,049 when you do have some sense 623 00:34:27,050 --> 00:34:30,516 that the person is trying to help you. 624 00:34:30,517 --> 00:34:33,182 And I think first you kind of have to make some sort 625 00:34:33,183 --> 00:34:36,083 of response to the other person 626 00:34:36,084 --> 00:34:41,084 and sometimes all you can say is, “Thank you, I'll need to think 627 00:34:43,083 --> 00:34:48,083 about that for a while. But then you have to say to the Lord, 628 00:34:48,617 --> 00:34:53,617 “You know Lord, that was too much for now but help me to file it 629 00:34:57,517 --> 00:34:57,782 “You know Lord, that was too much for now but help me to file it 630 00:34:57,783 --> 00:35:01,449 and then please bring it out to me if there is a point 631 00:35:01,450 --> 00:35:05,023 where you want me to think about it." 632 00:35:06,584 --> 00:35:10,416 [Music] 633 00:35:10,417 --> 00:35:13,549 Female Narrator: The death of your loved one will affect your relationships 634 00:35:13,550 --> 00:35:18,516 but that doesn't mean those relationships have to end. 635 00:35:18,517 --> 00:35:21,449 Carla's husband died suddenly of a heart attack. 636 00:35:21,450 --> 00:35:25,349 As she grieved his death Carla discovered that if she was going 637 00:35:25,350 --> 00:35:28,549 to stay connected to her friends she had to focus 638 00:35:28,550 --> 00:35:30,816 on what they still had in common. 639 00:35:30,817 --> 00:35:32,049 There was a real temptation for me 640 00:35:32,050 --> 00:35:35,683 to define myself now based on my differences 641 00:35:35,684 --> 00:35:38,716 with my friends instead of the things that we once held in common. 642 00:35:38,717 --> 00:35:43,049 When I define my friendships based on our differences 643 00:35:43,050 --> 00:35:45,216 and see myself as outside or 644 00:35:45,217 --> 00:35:50,217 so different then I've really isolated myself, 645 00:35:51,384 --> 00:35:54,816 they didn't isolate me, I've done it myself. 646 00:35:54,817 --> 00:35:59,817 And, truth is helpful. What we still share, what I still share 647 00:36:00,917 --> 00:36:05,917 with my friends is that God is most important to us, we love God, 648 00:36:06,950 --> 00:36:11,950 love other people and that although yeah there are many new 649 00:36:12,617 --> 00:36:15,316 things, many differences the values that we have 650 00:36:15,317 --> 00:36:17,649 and the truth of God's word doesn't change. 651 00:36:17,650 --> 00:36:21,316 Female Narrator: As Carla continues to heal she's found that caring 652 00:36:21,317 --> 00:36:25,583 for her friends has also helped her maintain her relationships. 653 00:36:25,584 --> 00:36:27,449 As we mourn certainly I've seen this most 654 00:36:27,450 --> 00:36:30,949 in me and my daughter. 655 00:36:30,950 --> 00:36:34,849 You go through a period where people care for you profoundly 656 00:36:34,850 --> 00:36:37,849 and the time comes, and it's different for every one, 657 00:36:37,850 --> 00:36:42,583 where we're able to look back at the other people 658 00:36:42,584 --> 00:36:43,916 and care for them again. 659 00:36:43,917 --> 00:36:48,582 I find that those friendships that seemed to me to be suddenly 660 00:36:48,583 --> 00:36:51,782 so different are all still very much intact. 661 00:36:51,783 --> 00:36:56,216 Female Narrator: Ultimately Carla's faith in God keeps her 662 00:36:56,217 --> 00:36:58,749 from giving up on her friends. 663 00:36:58,750 --> 00:37:02,049 Carla: The truth is that God can equip other people to care for us. 664 00:37:02,050 --> 00:37:07,050 So, I just want to be grateful for their friendship 665 00:37:09,717 --> 00:37:11,983 and you know give them room to grow in this thing just 666 00:37:11,984 --> 00:37:15,283 like we're growing in this thing. 667 00:37:15,284 --> 00:37:20,216 I would rather walk through life with our friends 668 00:37:20,217 --> 00:37:24,683 and suffer an occasional unhelpful attempt than walk 669 00:37:24,684 --> 00:37:26,283 through this without them. 670 00:37:26,284 --> 00:37:28,560 So I'm grateful for their care. 671 00:37:30,517 --> 00:37:33,749 Carla's attitude toward her friends is a great example 672 00:37:33,750 --> 00:37:37,316 of maintaining friendships after the death of a loved one. 673 00:37:37,317 --> 00:37:40,716 Carla could have chosen to isolate herself, 674 00:37:40,717 --> 00:37:44,616 magnify the differences with her friends and take serious offense 675 00:37:44,617 --> 00:37:47,816 to their well-meaning but insensitive comments. 676 00:37:47,817 --> 00:37:51,649 Instead she decided to fight to stay connected 677 00:37:51,650 --> 00:37:54,616 and now shes enjoying the fruit of those efforts. 678 00:37:54,617 --> 00:37:58,997 And we hope this session has encouraged you to do the same. 679 00:37:59,550 --> 00:38:02,783 Male Narrator: Don't forget about this week's grief work exercises, 680 00:38:02,784 --> 00:38:05,916 they offer practical steps you can take to move forward 681 00:38:05,917 --> 00:38:09,649 in your healing. This week's grief work will help you 682 00:38:09,650 --> 00:38:13,723 to prepare to respond to insensitive comforters. 683 00:38:14,350 --> 00:38:18,383 At the next session of GriefShare we'll address the why question. 684 00:38:18,384 --> 00:38:21,216 Dr. Tripp: It seemed impossible that 685 00:38:21,217 --> 00:38:23,383 God would let this story end this way. 686 00:38:23,384 --> 00:38:25,916 I felt like God had betrayed me. 687 00:38:25,917 --> 00:38:28,049 And I'm asking God things like, 688 00:38:28,050 --> 00:38:31,623 “Why didn't you just stop this from happening?" 689 00:38:32,317 --> 00:38:34,549 We're so glad you joined us today, 690 00:38:34,550 --> 00:38:38,183 but before we go there's one important family relationship 691 00:38:38,184 --> 00:38:40,683 that we didn't mention it's your relationship 692 00:38:40,684 --> 00:38:42,916 with your grieving child or teen. 693 00:38:42,917 --> 00:38:46,716 To help you with this important issue we've included 694 00:38:46,717 --> 00:38:49,049 some suggestions for caring for grieving children 695 00:38:49,050 --> 00:38:50,916 in your workbook, you can find them at the end 696 00:38:50,917 --> 00:38:52,949 of this week's note-taking section. 697 00:38:52,950 --> 00:38:57,116 And if you'd like you can go online to griefshare.org 698 00:38:57,117 --> 00:39:01,583 and watch our video, How to Care for Grieving Children and Teens. 699 00:39:01,584 --> 00:39:04,149 It's a 40 minute video just like this one 700 00:39:04,150 --> 00:39:07,083 that explains what children and teenagers are 701 00:39:07,084 --> 00:39:09,016 dealing with after their loss. 702 00:39:09,017 --> 00:39:11,216 If you have other questions about how 703 00:39:11,217 --> 00:39:13,849 to help grieving children, talk to your group leader, 704 00:39:13,850 --> 00:39:17,849 he or she may be aware of some resources that could help you. 705 00:39:17,850 --> 00:39:20,831 Thanks again for joining us. We' ll see you next time.