1 00:00:06,217 --> 00:00:11,217 I remember I met every week with one of our pastors. 2 00:00:12,783 --> 00:00:15,682 And every Tuesday I'd drive to his office and think, 3 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:16,916 “I'm tired of being in pain. 4 00:00:16,917 --> 00:00:21,917 I've been in pain for months, and months, and months." 5 00:00:23,550 --> 00:00:26,782 Dr. DeVries: Sometime after my wife died, I was golfing 6 00:00:26,783 --> 00:00:28,016 with a friend of mine. 7 00:00:28,017 --> 00:00:30,916 So it had to be at least six, perhaps eight 8 00:00:30,917 --> 00:00:33,082 or nine months after my wife died. 9 00:00:33,083 --> 00:00:37,849 And I was still really feeling the sadness and the grief. 10 00:00:37,850 --> 00:00:41,249 I really hadn't worked through it all that much yet, 11 00:00:41,250 --> 00:00:46,116 and I was saying to him, “I wish this would just go away." 12 00:00:46,117 --> 00:00:48,682 [Music] 13 00:00:48,683 --> 00:00:50,249 Brad: It's kind of like that experience 14 00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:53,416 that you have whenever you're driving somewhere new 15 00:00:53,417 --> 00:00:56,149 for the first time and somebody tells you, 16 00:00:56,150 --> 00:00:57,149 “It's only three miles. 17 00:00:57,150 --> 00:00:58,682 It's really easy to find." 18 00:00:58,683 --> 00:01:00,882 And you're driving and you're going “Did I miss my turn? 19 00:01:00,883 --> 00:01:01,649 Did I miss my turn? 20 00:01:01,650 --> 00:01:03,149 I have not done this before." 21 00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:05,882 And the whole time you just, you have the sense, 22 00:01:05,883 --> 00:01:07,382 “Am I doing it right?" 23 00:01:07,383 --> 00:01:09,982 And as soon as that question comes into our mind, 24 00:01:09,983 --> 00:01:11,982 “Am I doing it right?" 25 00:01:11,983 --> 00:01:15,482 the necessary implication is, “Maybe I'm doing it wrong." 26 00:01:15,483 --> 00:01:16,982 And “wrong" is a guilt word. 27 00:01:16,983 --> 00:01:18,682 And then I begin to beat myself 28 00:01:18,683 --> 00:01:21,882 up because I can't even grieve right. 29 00:01:21,883 --> 00:01:24,082 [Music] 30 00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:25,516 Dr. DeVries: And this friend of mine just stopped. 31 00:01:25,517 --> 00:01:26,382 He stopped cold. 32 00:01:26,383 --> 00:01:28,982 He turned and faced me directly on. 33 00:01:28,983 --> 00:01:30,449 He said, “Look, Bob. 34 00:01:30,450 --> 00:01:33,982 It took you 28 years for you and your wife 35 00:01:33,983 --> 00:01:35,682 to weave your life together. 36 00:01:35,683 --> 00:01:38,016 It's been torn apart. 37 00:01:38,017 --> 00:01:40,349 There are all kinds of ragged edges. 38 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:44,716 Don't expect those ragged edges to go away instantly." 39 00:01:44,717 --> 00:01:47,323 [Music] 40 00:01:48,117 --> 00:01:52,182 Hi, I'm David Guthrie and this is my wife, Nancy. 41 00:01:52,183 --> 00:01:54,682 We've moved further down the trail that we started 42 00:01:54,683 --> 00:01:56,182 in our last GriefShare session. 43 00:01:56,183 --> 00:01:58,382 It helps us illustrate the journey 44 00:01:58,383 --> 00:02:00,216 of grief you will travel as you heal. 45 00:02:00,217 --> 00:02:05,082 Ask any park ranger and he'll tell you that lots of people set 46 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:08,016 out on journeys that they're not ready for. 47 00:02:08,017 --> 00:02:09,949 And it's easy to see why this happens: 48 00:02:09,950 --> 00:02:13,716 People either underestimate the difficulty of a trail 49 00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,549 or they overestimate their own abilities, 50 00:02:16,550 --> 00:02:19,216 and pretty soon they're deep in the woods, 51 00:02:19,217 --> 00:02:22,116 lost, exhausted, and scared. 52 00:02:22,117 --> 00:02:25,416 The same thing can happen on the journey of grief. 53 00:02:25,417 --> 00:02:28,049 This is a journey you never wanted to go on, 54 00:02:28,050 --> 00:02:29,782 and when you started on it, 55 00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:32,549 you probably didn't think it would take this long 56 00:02:32,550 --> 00:02:34,616 or be so intense. 57 00:02:34,617 --> 00:02:37,916 You may even be wondering if something is wrong with you. 58 00:02:37,917 --> 00:02:42,316 Perhaps you feel lost, exhausted and scared. 59 00:02:42,317 --> 00:02:44,116 In today's GriefShare, 60 00:02:44,117 --> 00:02:46,882 we' ll help you understand why grief takes time, 61 00:02:46,883 --> 00:02:48,882 and how your circumstances 62 00:02:48,883 --> 00:02:53,282 and the choices you make affect its intensity and duration. 63 00:02:53,283 --> 00:02:55,216 Thanks for joining us. 64 00:02:55,217 --> 00:03:00,217 [Music] 65 00:03:09,650 --> 00:03:12,516 In our last session, we mentioned 66 00:03:12,517 --> 00:03:15,782 that everyonés journey of grief is unique. 67 00:03:15,783 --> 00:03:17,982 One reason that's true is because each 68 00:03:17,983 --> 00:03:20,816 of us is grieving a unique relationship. 69 00:03:20,817 --> 00:03:23,649 But your grieving process will also be shaped 70 00:03:23,650 --> 00:03:26,849 by the circumstances surrounding your loved one's death 71 00:03:26,850 --> 00:03:29,516 and the choices you make afterward. 72 00:03:29,517 --> 00:03:33,116 Your circumstances and the choices you make also affect how 73 00:03:33,117 --> 00:03:36,649 intense your grief is and how quickly the pain will subside. 74 00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:39,349 So today we want to share some 75 00:03:39,350 --> 00:03:41,682 of the unique individual factors 76 00:03:41,683 --> 00:03:44,049 that directly affect your journey. 77 00:03:44,050 --> 00:03:48,049 And the first one is: How well you take care of yourself. 78 00:03:48,050 --> 00:03:51,249 Brad: I think so often we think of grief 79 00:03:51,250 --> 00:03:54,882 as a purely emotional struggle, 80 00:03:54,883 --> 00:03:58,749 as if it were just this constellation of sadness, 81 00:03:58,750 --> 00:04:02,182 and fear, and anger, and confusion. 82 00:04:02,183 --> 00:04:05,582 But one of the things that often gets neglected is how much 83 00:04:05,583 --> 00:04:10,549 of a physical toll we go through in the process of grief. 84 00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:13,082 And so a few points that I would recommend to folks 85 00:04:13,083 --> 00:04:17,849 is they prepare for these early stages of grief as much 86 00:04:17,850 --> 00:04:20,816 as you can, make sure that you sleep well. 87 00:04:20,817 --> 00:04:25,149 Sleep is a good thing, and it is a gift from God. 88 00:04:25,150 --> 00:04:27,382 I think it's okay to pray for sleep. 89 00:04:27,383 --> 00:04:29,082 If you're having trouble sleeping, 90 00:04:29,083 --> 00:04:31,249 talk to your physician and go to them. 91 00:04:31,250 --> 00:04:33,849 And this is not necessarily a long-term struggle 92 00:04:33,850 --> 00:04:36,382 where you would always need assistance with sleep, 93 00:04:36,383 --> 00:04:38,216 but during this season where you're going 94 00:04:38,217 --> 00:04:41,349 through such a physical toll, that's important. 95 00:04:41,350 --> 00:04:43,949 Oftentimes sleep gets disrupted, 96 00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:47,182 especially if who we lost was a spouse because so much 97 00:04:47,183 --> 00:04:52,082 of that evening routine of just there being not somebody there 98 00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:54,749 with me and the time when I'm getting ready 99 00:04:54,750 --> 00:04:59,516 to sleep can be a time of intense remembering my loss. 100 00:04:59,517 --> 00:04:59,749 to sleep can be a time of intense remembering my loss. 101 00:04:59,750 --> 00:05:01,949 And so taking some additional steps 102 00:05:01,950 --> 00:05:05,416 of doing something very soothing and relaxing 103 00:05:05,417 --> 00:05:10,116 like taking a hot bath, playing some quiet music 104 00:05:10,117 --> 00:05:13,916 in the background so that my thoughts can attach to the music 105 00:05:13,917 --> 00:05:16,882 and my thoughts just aren't there to spin 106 00:05:16,883 --> 00:05:19,682 with no destination and I begin, that becomes the time 107 00:05:19,683 --> 00:05:24,683 when I can't sleep because I'm thinking most. 108 00:05:26,317 --> 00:05:29,049 Another aspect of dealing with the physical toll 109 00:05:29,050 --> 00:05:32,949 of grief is diet and exercise. 110 00:05:32,950 --> 00:05:37,950 I'm not looking to be Rambo, I'm just doing it 111 00:05:38,083 --> 00:05:43,083 to get my arms moving and my legs going. 112 00:05:44,117 --> 00:05:46,516 So I go to the gym. 113 00:05:46,517 --> 00:05:50,149 I just go in there and I'm going to bike. 114 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:55,150 I do bicycling for twenty minutes. 115 00:05:57,183 --> 00:06:02,183 Then from there, I go on to weights. 116 00:06:03,083 --> 00:06:06,882 Weights, I do no more than twenty pounds. 117 00:06:06,883 --> 00:06:10,949 And then from there, I go on the treadmill. 118 00:06:10,950 --> 00:06:15,950 And the treadmill I do for about ten minutes. 119 00:06:18,783 --> 00:06:20,716 Joseph: I had to develop a strategy 120 00:06:20,717 --> 00:06:21,716 on how I'm going to live 121 00:06:21,717 --> 00:06:24,782 because I was so used to my wife's cooking. 122 00:06:24,783 --> 00:06:29,783 And I would go to a local all you can eat buffet 123 00:06:29,917 --> 00:06:34,582 that would weigh the food for you to take out. 124 00:06:34,583 --> 00:06:39,583 And my strategy was to not get macaroni and cheese, 125 00:06:39,717 --> 00:06:44,516 or things that were heavy, vegetables, get the meats. 126 00:06:44,517 --> 00:06:46,882 It costs the same no matter 127 00:06:46,883 --> 00:06:50,116 whether it's meat or string beans. 128 00:06:50,117 --> 00:06:51,649 So I get meats. 129 00:06:51,650 --> 00:06:56,650 I get roast beef, chicken, pork, and fish, and shrimp. 130 00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:02,649 And load that all into the container, weigh that, go home, 131 00:07:02,650 --> 00:07:05,516 break it out in containers that was portions for me 132 00:07:05,517 --> 00:07:08,682 to eat just a meal and freeze the rest. 133 00:07:08,683 --> 00:07:10,382 Just get meats. 134 00:07:10,383 --> 00:07:12,949 Because I could deal with vegetables 135 00:07:12,950 --> 00:07:16,149 from the grocery store, and frozen, out of can. 136 00:07:16,150 --> 00:07:19,316 But cooking the meats, they have to be specially done 137 00:07:19,317 --> 00:07:20,716 by somebody who knew how to cook. 138 00:07:20,717 --> 00:07:24,216 A good way to make sure you take care of yourself is 139 00:07:24,217 --> 00:07:27,016 to remember the acronym D. E. E. R. 140 00:07:27,017 --> 00:07:31,849 Drink fluids, Eat, Exercise, and get Rest. 141 00:07:31,850 --> 00:07:34,416 And be sure to get a checkup from your doctor, too. 142 00:07:34,417 --> 00:07:36,682 Nancy: In addition to self-care, 143 00:07:36,683 --> 00:07:40,882 the way your loved one died also affects your grief experience. 144 00:07:40,883 --> 00:07:41,882 Brad: There's a lot of factors 145 00:07:41,883 --> 00:07:45,949 that can impact how grief influences you. 146 00:07:45,950 --> 00:07:48,482 One would be: How long did I have 147 00:07:48,483 --> 00:07:51,616 to anticipate this loss that was coming? 148 00:07:51,617 --> 00:07:54,949 Was it at the end of a long bout of cancer? 149 00:07:54,950 --> 00:07:57,249 Did it come out of the blue as a car accident 150 00:07:57,250 --> 00:07:59,549 when I wasn't expecting it at all? 151 00:07:59,550 --> 00:08:02,916 Your loved one was terminally ill and they've been suffering 152 00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:07,917 for six months, or a year, or two years, or maybe five years. 153 00:08:08,450 --> 00:08:13,316 You discover that you've done a lot of your grieving in advance. 154 00:08:13,317 --> 00:08:18,316 And after they have died, then maybe the grief doesn't last 155 00:08:18,317 --> 00:08:21,549 that long and you're faced with another situation 156 00:08:21,550 --> 00:08:25,582 because other people wonder, “Why aren't you grieving?" 157 00:08:25,583 --> 00:08:27,482 They begin to question your love for them; 158 00:08:27,483 --> 00:08:29,349 they begin to question the relationship with them. 159 00:08:29,350 --> 00:08:33,482 And here is another situation or case where we need 160 00:08:33,483 --> 00:08:35,782 to let people know, “I grieved 161 00:08:35,783 --> 00:08:38,349 for several years before they died. 162 00:08:38,350 --> 00:08:41,949 I did it before that event occurred." 163 00:08:41,950 --> 00:08:44,882 When you lose someone who is younger than you, 164 00:08:44,883 --> 00:08:46,916 a child or a younger sibling, 165 00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:49,849 that seems so unnatural to the life cycle 166 00:08:49,850 --> 00:08:53,482 that it can be very disorienting to life. 167 00:08:53,483 --> 00:08:57,149 When you lose someone your own age, it is something 168 00:08:57,150 --> 00:09:00,049 that makes you face your own mortality in a way 169 00:09:00,050 --> 00:09:03,349 that maybe you weren't prepared for or thinking about. 170 00:09:03,350 --> 00:09:07,982 If your loved one died in an accident, was murdered, 171 00:09:07,983 --> 00:09:10,282 or committed suicide, you'll have to deal 172 00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:12,749 with some unique challenges as you grieve. 173 00:09:12,750 --> 00:09:15,282 And we'll talk more about what those are and how to deal 174 00:09:15,283 --> 00:09:16,785 with them in session eight. 175 00:09:17,250 --> 00:09:22,250 [Music] 176 00:09:30,083 --> 00:09:33,816 Another factor that affects your grief journey is what was going 177 00:09:33,817 --> 00:09:38,182 on in your life prior to or just after your loved one died? 178 00:09:38,183 --> 00:09:41,249 Iris: When my mom passed away, I can't even get a chance 179 00:09:41,250 --> 00:09:43,016 to grieve because I got to run around 180 00:09:43,017 --> 00:09:46,482 and I got to, you know, plan her funeral and everything. 181 00:09:46,483 --> 00:09:49,582 And then two weeks later, you know, I'm thinking “Okay, 182 00:09:49,583 --> 00:09:51,049 I'm going to be able to grieve now." 183 00:09:51,050 --> 00:09:53,582 And then two weeks later, Kareem dies. 184 00:09:53,583 --> 00:09:57,349 I was losing my job a month after my dad passed away, 185 00:09:57,350 --> 00:09:59,016 so it was a rough time of life. 186 00:09:59,017 --> 00:10:00,849 so it was a rough time of life. 187 00:10:00,850 --> 00:10:03,149 It's the first time I'd ever been let go of a job 188 00:10:03,150 --> 00:10:05,716 and the first time I've lost a parent. 189 00:10:05,717 --> 00:10:07,949 My grief was very much affected 190 00:10:07,950 --> 00:10:11,249 when a close friend committed suicide a couple months 191 00:10:11,250 --> 00:10:13,549 after my mom had her tragedy. 192 00:10:13,550 --> 00:10:15,482 Less than what year and a half after I got back 193 00:10:15,483 --> 00:10:19,216 from Vietnam, my dad died and suddenly. 194 00:10:19,217 --> 00:10:24,217 And so I think at his funeral all I could think about 195 00:10:24,817 --> 00:10:28,749 and all I could see was, as they were lowering his casket, 196 00:10:28,750 --> 00:10:32,049 the flood of memories kept coming back 197 00:10:32,050 --> 00:10:34,482 of my two earlier brothers' deaths 198 00:10:34,483 --> 00:10:36,782 with it just taken place within two years. 199 00:10:36,783 --> 00:10:38,982 I felt like I didn't get a chance to grieve. 200 00:10:38,983 --> 00:10:40,049 Then I got pregnant. 201 00:10:40,050 --> 00:10:43,249 Another thing that happens in terms of creating the impact 202 00:10:43,250 --> 00:10:48,250 of grief is how we associate the loss with things 203 00:10:48,283 --> 00:10:50,982 that were going on at the same time. 204 00:10:50,983 --> 00:10:52,949 Sometimes we do that through regret. 205 00:10:52,950 --> 00:10:57,382 And we say, “Ah, if only Grandma had lived two weeks longer, 206 00:10:57,383 --> 00:10:59,349 then she would have made it to the wedding." 207 00:10:59,350 --> 00:11:02,649 And there's kind of this permanent regret memory 208 00:11:02,650 --> 00:11:07,249 attachment to my wedding and the loss of Grandma. 209 00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:11,016 Other times it is association, and we begin to think, 210 00:11:11,017 --> 00:11:13,982 “We went to the beach, and that was the last thing 211 00:11:13,983 --> 00:11:15,982 that we did together before I lost them. 212 00:11:15,983 --> 00:11:17,916 I don't know that I'll ever go 213 00:11:17,917 --> 00:11:20,316 to the beach the same way again." 214 00:11:20,317 --> 00:11:23,582 Or sometimes it's through guilt, and we begin to think, 215 00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:24,682 “Right around the time 216 00:11:24,683 --> 00:11:28,116 that I lost this person I had also cheated 217 00:11:28,117 --> 00:11:29,682 or fudged a little on my taxes. 218 00:11:29,683 --> 00:11:33,282 And I wonder if this is God getting back at me." 219 00:11:33,283 --> 00:11:37,316 And whatever the events are around our loss, I think we have 220 00:11:37,317 --> 00:11:39,749 to be very careful about the kind of meaning 221 00:11:39,750 --> 00:11:41,116 that we attach to that. 222 00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:44,516 Because those are going to be some of the things that we carry 223 00:11:44,517 --> 00:11:46,849 with us for the longest time, 224 00:11:46,850 --> 00:11:50,282 even after the grief has subsided 225 00:11:50,283 --> 00:11:52,782 is the meaning that we give to events like that. 226 00:11:52,783 --> 00:11:56,382 In our last session we shared some key goals 227 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:57,649 of grief recovery. 228 00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,449 And there's a relationship between 229 00:11:59,450 --> 00:12:02,482 the goals of grief and the journey of grief, 230 00:12:02,483 --> 00:12:05,616 which is this: The more effort you put 231 00:12:05,617 --> 00:12:07,382 into pursuing those goals, 232 00:12:07,383 --> 00:12:09,649 the sooner you'll heal from the pain. 233 00:12:09,650 --> 00:12:13,582 The trouble is, accomplishing these objectives isn't easy; 234 00:12:13,583 --> 00:12:17,749 in fact, your efforts can seem to be only adding to your pain. 235 00:12:17,750 --> 00:12:21,716 So many people resist trying in the first place. 236 00:12:21,717 --> 00:12:24,382 Sue: Several people told me, “Well, talk about it. 237 00:12:24,383 --> 00:12:25,149 Talk about him. 238 00:12:25,150 --> 00:12:26,216 Talk about what you're feeling. 239 00:12:26,217 --> 00:12:27,116 Get it out." 240 00:12:27,117 --> 00:12:28,582 And I didn't want to get it out. 241 00:12:28,583 --> 00:12:32,049 I wanted to stuff it and just hurt 242 00:12:32,050 --> 00:12:33,316 because I didn't want reality. 243 00:12:33,317 --> 00:12:34,716 I didn't want to feel the pain. 244 00:12:34,717 --> 00:12:39,717 But there's no escape from actually facing the pain 245 00:12:39,917 --> 00:12:41,782 of grieving and going through it. 246 00:12:41,783 --> 00:12:44,949 I would say, “Tell me something you remember 247 00:12:44,950 --> 00:12:47,182 about Grandpa that you loved most." 248 00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,749 And so for them it was a way for them to be able 249 00:12:49,750 --> 00:12:51,216 to talk about their grandpa. 250 00:12:51,217 --> 00:12:56,217 Of course, we would all cry our heads off. 251 00:12:57,117 --> 00:12:59,582 They would afterwards get out a box of pictures; 252 00:12:59,583 --> 00:13:01,949 we'd spread the pictures out on the floor; we would talk 253 00:13:01,950 --> 00:13:06,616 about things that we did; we'd share memories with one another; 254 00:13:06,617 --> 00:13:09,349 we'd cry; and then all three of the kids would pile up on my lap 255 00:13:09,350 --> 00:13:10,549 and we'd boo hoo for a while. 256 00:13:10,550 --> 00:13:14,516 And one afternoon my youngest daughter had said to me, “Mom, 257 00:13:14,517 --> 00:13:19,149 why do you get all this stuff out and make everybody sad?" 258 00:13:19,150 --> 00:13:20,949 And I said, “No, no, no. 259 00:13:20,950 --> 00:13:22,249 You don't understand, honey. 260 00:13:22,250 --> 00:13:24,716 I'm not trying to make everybody sad. 261 00:13:24,717 --> 00:13:26,016 We're already sad." 262 00:13:26,017 --> 00:13:31,017 I said, “I want to get these pictures out and look at them, 263 00:13:31,417 --> 00:13:34,682 and remember your dad, and cry if I have to. 264 00:13:34,683 --> 00:13:37,249 And I'm going to keep doing it until one day I can look 265 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:39,649 at these pictures and smile again. 266 00:13:39,650 --> 00:13:42,049 Then I'll know I'm healed." 267 00:13:42,050 --> 00:13:47,049 And I think we have to do some of that in the grief process 268 00:13:47,050 --> 00:13:49,449 because I think part of not healing 269 00:13:49,450 --> 00:13:51,349 from grief is not wanting to go 270 00:13:51,350 --> 00:13:53,616 to those places that hurt too much. 271 00:13:53,617 --> 00:13:55,082 And yet, going to those places 272 00:13:55,083 --> 00:13:58,049 that hurt too much is the very thing that heals us. 273 00:13:58,050 --> 00:14:02,582 Most of us as human beings do not want to experience the pain. 274 00:14:02,583 --> 00:14:06,382 We just want to avoid it, and that's what I did. 275 00:14:06,383 --> 00:14:09,482 I just avoided it and went on with life. 276 00:14:09,483 --> 00:14:10,882 But it becomes a burden. 277 00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:12,816 It's kind of like a wound. 278 00:14:12,817 --> 00:14:16,982 When Vinnie had his second surgery, 279 00:14:16,983 --> 00:14:19,349 his stitches had come apart. 280 00:14:19,350 --> 00:14:22,516 He had his kidney, prostate, bladder, 281 00:14:22,517 --> 00:14:24,316 and lymph nodes removed. 282 00:14:24,317 --> 00:14:25,882 It was a huge incision. 283 00:14:25,883 --> 00:14:27,382 The stitches came apart. 284 00:14:27,383 --> 00:14:30,249 He was put on a wound vac for three months. 285 00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:35,250 During that time, a nurse came to the home three days a week; 286 00:14:35,283 --> 00:14:40,283 unpacked the sponges and the bandages; had to clean all 287 00:14:40,950 --> 00:14:45,716 that up; had to redo the wound three times a week. 288 00:14:45,717 --> 00:14:47,182 It was a gaping hole. 289 00:14:47,183 --> 00:14:50,449 It was excruciatingly painful for him. 290 00:14:50,450 --> 00:14:54,782 And I would go, and he'd grab my hand and hold onto it 291 00:14:54,783 --> 00:14:57,849 through this whole process. 292 00:14:57,850 --> 00:14:59,016 I realized later after Vinnie died it was interesting 293 00:14:59,017 --> 00:15:01,949 I realized later after Vinnie died it was interesting 294 00:15:01,950 --> 00:15:04,716 that God showed me that process because dealing 295 00:15:04,717 --> 00:15:08,749 with our grief is pretty much the same: We have to go 296 00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:13,750 to that place that's painful, we have to reopen those wounds. 297 00:15:15,650 --> 00:15:20,149 It's the only way we can be cleansed and we can be healed. 298 00:15:20,150 --> 00:15:23,116 If Vinnie had told the nurse, “This is too painful, go away," 299 00:15:23,117 --> 00:15:26,249 it might have looked okay for a while on the outside, 300 00:15:26,250 --> 00:15:28,282 but on the inside infection would have grown. 301 00:15:28,283 --> 00:15:31,116 And I think that can happen to people in the grief journey, 302 00:15:31,117 --> 00:15:32,649 which will make it a lot longer. 303 00:15:32,650 --> 00:15:36,849 And our promise from God in going through is that He will be 304 00:15:36,850 --> 00:15:39,149 with us all the way on that journey. 305 00:15:39,150 --> 00:15:43,082 So when we talk about and think about this journey, 306 00:15:43,083 --> 00:15:46,782 I think it's important that we do use that word “we're walking 307 00:15:46,783 --> 00:15:50,349 through grief." We're going through the pain in order 308 00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,549 to heal because pain does heal. 309 00:15:52,550 --> 00:15:56,349 Gail: So I highly, I highly recommend people just go 310 00:15:56,350 --> 00:15:59,482 to those places, look at those pictures, 311 00:15:59,483 --> 00:16:01,249 even though it's painful. 312 00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:04,682 Go to those places that you visited that were special. 313 00:16:04,683 --> 00:16:08,682 Don't avoid that restaurant that was your favorite restaurant; 314 00:16:08,683 --> 00:16:10,116 go there with a friend. 315 00:16:10,117 --> 00:16:11,249 Yes, it will be hard. 316 00:16:11,250 --> 00:16:12,282 Yes, you will cry. 317 00:16:12,283 --> 00:16:14,549 But yes, it will help you move 318 00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:19,329 through the journey a lot faster. 319 00:16:22,250 --> 00:16:27,250 [Music] 320 00:16:42,883 --> 00:16:45,216 Amy: I immediately went back to work so that I didn't have 321 00:16:45,217 --> 00:16:50,217 to think about my father's death. 322 00:16:51,150 --> 00:16:55,149 Female Narrator: For five years Amy refused to talk about her dad, 323 00:16:55,150 --> 00:16:57,982 look at videos of him, or do anything 324 00:16:57,983 --> 00:17:00,382 that would remind her of her father. 325 00:17:00,383 --> 00:17:04,782 Amy: I was very fearful of going through any process 326 00:17:04,783 --> 00:17:09,783 that would make me have to revisit my father's death. 327 00:17:11,983 --> 00:17:15,716 I was afraid the pain would open a door to something 328 00:17:15,717 --> 00:17:18,249 that I couldn't handle. 329 00:17:18,250 --> 00:17:23,250 Female Narrator: Eventually, Amy's attempts to avoid pain hurt her even more. 330 00:17:23,283 --> 00:17:28,216 Amy: I started experiencing depression. 331 00:17:28,217 --> 00:17:31,216 It was slow at first. 332 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:36,217 It began with just overwhelming feelings of being discontent, 333 00:17:38,550 --> 00:17:42,616 and it started escalating. 334 00:17:42,617 --> 00:17:44,516 And eventually the depression 335 00:17:44,517 --> 00:17:49,082 and the emptiness was more overwhelming 336 00:17:49,083 --> 00:17:54,083 than the thought of facing the grief. 337 00:17:55,850 --> 00:17:58,282 Female Narrator: As much as she was hurting, 338 00:17:58,283 --> 00:18:02,916 Amy was able to function for a while. 339 00:18:02,917 --> 00:18:03,849 Amy: From the outside, 340 00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,749 no one could really tell what was happening. 341 00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:09,182 I was into my work. 342 00:18:09,183 --> 00:18:11,582 I was being social. 343 00:18:11,583 --> 00:18:14,716 I was close to my family and no one noticed. 344 00:18:14,717 --> 00:18:17,216 But on the inside, again, I felt those feelings 345 00:18:17,217 --> 00:18:19,216 of discontentment and emptiness. 346 00:18:19,217 --> 00:18:21,416 And I knew something was wrong. 347 00:18:21,417 --> 00:18:26,417 [Music] 348 00:18:30,950 --> 00:18:35,349 The process of finally dealing 349 00:18:35,350 --> 00:18:40,350 with the grief began with GriefShare. 350 00:18:41,350 --> 00:18:45,582 It's very much like going to the ocean and wanting 351 00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:48,182 to take a swim: You've got the initial wave that comes at you; 352 00:18:48,183 --> 00:18:51,782 and then you have to face it, let it come over you; 353 00:18:51,783 --> 00:18:55,116 and then you shake yourself off and get ready for the next one. 354 00:18:55,117 --> 00:19:00,117 And the process of GriefShare helped me do that. 355 00:19:01,517 --> 00:19:05,816 With each wave that came, with each new lesson that I learned, 356 00:19:05,817 --> 00:19:09,149 I was able to let it wash over me, process it, 357 00:19:09,150 --> 00:19:14,150 and use it to move forward. 358 00:19:14,650 --> 00:19:18,382 Female Narrator: These days, Amy can face the reality of her father's death 359 00:19:18,383 --> 00:19:21,582 and comfort herself with his memories. 360 00:19:21,583 --> 00:19:23,849 I love talking about my father now. 361 00:19:23,850 --> 00:19:25,716 I love sharing his stories. 362 00:19:25,717 --> 00:19:27,649 I love watching videos. 363 00:19:27,650 --> 00:19:31,016 I love looking at the pictures, the memories. 364 00:19:31,017 --> 00:19:31,182 I love looking at the pictures, the memories. 365 00:19:31,183 --> 00:19:33,349 He was a wonderful man. 366 00:19:33,350 --> 00:19:37,216 Now I feel like having accepted the loss, 367 00:19:37,217 --> 00:19:40,316 I can now celebrate the life he had 368 00:19:40,317 --> 00:19:45,317 and feel joy for those times. 369 00:19:46,017 --> 00:19:47,177 and feel joy for those times. 370 00:19:48,583 --> 00:19:52,649 So you must hurt in order to heal. 371 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,182 But as Amy discovered, 372 00:19:54,183 --> 00:19:57,049 God graciously keeps the pain from overwhelming us. 373 00:19:57,050 --> 00:19:58,516 As it says in Isaiah 42:3, “A bruised reed he will not break, 374 00:19:58,517 --> 00:20:03,517 As it says in Isaiah 42:3, “A bruised reed he will not break, 375 00:20:04,517 --> 00:20:08,982 and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out." 376 00:20:08,983 --> 00:20:11,982 The journey of grief is certainly an overwhelming 377 00:20:11,983 --> 00:20:15,516 experience, but as you pursue healing and grow 378 00:20:15,517 --> 00:20:15,716 experience, but as you pursue healing and grow 379 00:20:15,717 --> 00:20:18,949 in your dependence on God, you'll discover 380 00:20:18,950 --> 00:20:22,282 that He is gently caring for you and keeping you 381 00:20:22,283 --> 00:20:25,753 from being crushed in this season of your life. 382 00:20:26,817 --> 00:20:30,016 [Music] 383 00:20:30,017 --> 00:20:37,526 [Music] 384 00:20:38,950 --> 00:20:43,149 So when do you think you'll go 385 00:20:43,150 --> 00:20:45,016 through your husband's clothes? 386 00:20:45,017 --> 00:20:45,282 through your husband's clothes? 387 00:20:45,283 --> 00:20:48,049 I don't know. 388 00:20:48,050 --> 00:20:50,449 I've been avoiding that. 389 00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:55,450 This may not work for you, but I found that it helped me 390 00:20:55,517 --> 00:20:56,916 to go through it as soon as possible. 391 00:20:56,917 --> 00:20:59,516 I just didn't want all those things sitting 392 00:20:59,517 --> 00:21:00,249 I just didn't want all those things sitting 393 00:21:00,250 --> 00:21:02,149 around reminding me of her. 394 00:21:02,150 --> 00:21:02,949 It was too painful. 395 00:21:02,950 --> 00:21:04,949 I don't know about that. 396 00:21:04,950 --> 00:21:08,782 Well, don't feel rushed. 397 00:21:08,783 --> 00:21:12,549 It took me a long time to go through my husband's things. 398 00:21:12,550 --> 00:21:14,516 But my kids, they keep pressuring me to go 399 00:21:14,517 --> 00:21:15,849 But my kids, they keep pressuring me to go 400 00:21:15,850 --> 00:21:18,749 through everything right now. 401 00:21:18,750 --> 00:21:23,750 Sometimes I just want to tell them to, “Do it yourself." 402 00:21:24,183 --> 00:21:27,649 I don't know if I'm ever going to be able 403 00:21:27,650 --> 00:21:29,016 to sort through his things. 404 00:21:29,017 --> 00:21:30,097 to sort through his things. 405 00:21:31,317 --> 00:21:34,749 I still have my mother's purse, of what she had 406 00:21:34,750 --> 00:21:37,082 on her possession when she went to the hospital. 407 00:21:37,083 --> 00:21:40,382 And in this purse was just personal things, 408 00:21:40,383 --> 00:21:43,516 her lipsticks; her wallet; all of, you know, 409 00:21:43,517 --> 00:21:43,616 her lipsticks; her wallet; all of, you know, 410 00:21:43,617 --> 00:21:47,282 whatever credit cards; whatever license and everything. 411 00:21:47,283 --> 00:21:49,316 She had, like, a little rain cap. 412 00:21:49,317 --> 00:21:54,317 And so it still sits in the top of my closet to this day. 413 00:21:54,817 --> 00:21:58,516 I haven't been able to just relinquish that. 414 00:21:58,517 --> 00:21:59,482 I haven't been able to just relinquish that. 415 00:21:59,483 --> 00:22:03,382 And, you know, the relinquishing is more of 'Well, 416 00:22:03,383 --> 00:22:05,949 what is the proper thing to do?" 417 00:22:05,950 --> 00:22:09,382 With my personality I wanted a list, I wanted a checklist. 418 00:22:09,383 --> 00:22:10,949 I wanted to, you know, “After 419 00:22:10,950 --> 00:22:13,016 so many days you can stop wearing the ring," 420 00:22:13,017 --> 00:22:13,349 so many days you can stop wearing the ring," 421 00:22:13,350 --> 00:22:17,116 or “You can take the pictures off of the refrigerator or all 422 00:22:17,117 --> 00:22:19,516 of the framed photos that you have. 423 00:22:19,517 --> 00:22:21,249 Then it's time to take those away." 424 00:22:21,250 --> 00:22:24,416 What do I do with the things that are in his closet? 425 00:22:24,417 --> 00:22:28,016 What do I do with the things that we have here in the house 426 00:22:28,017 --> 00:22:31,216 What do I do with the things that we have here in the house 427 00:22:31,217 --> 00:22:32,916 that belonged to our loved 428 00:22:32,917 --> 00:22:34,682 one and I don't need them? 429 00:22:34,683 --> 00:22:39,249 They feel like if they get rid of something, 430 00:22:39,250 --> 00:22:42,516 maybe clothes or objects that belonged to their loved one, 431 00:22:42,517 --> 00:22:43,449 maybe clothes or objects that belonged to their loved one, 432 00:22:43,450 --> 00:22:48,116 they are some how betraying that person. 433 00:22:48,117 --> 00:22:52,249 They may feel confused, “Does that mean I love 434 00:22:52,250 --> 00:22:55,682 that person less now because I'm getting rid of these things?" 435 00:22:55,683 --> 00:22:57,516 But I realized there's not a checklist like that 436 00:22:57,517 --> 00:22:58,349 But I realized there's not a checklist like that 437 00:22:58,350 --> 00:23:01,882 and that you kind of just have to trust your heart, 438 00:23:01,883 --> 00:23:05,282 trust you'll know when it's time, 439 00:23:05,283 --> 00:23:07,982 which in that moment it feels crazy. 440 00:23:07,983 --> 00:23:10,982 I just knew that it was not time for me 441 00:23:10,983 --> 00:23:12,016 to take off my engagement ring, and so I kept wearing it 442 00:23:12,017 --> 00:23:14,582 to take off my engagement ring, and so I kept wearing it 443 00:23:14,583 --> 00:23:16,016 for a number of months. 444 00:23:16,017 --> 00:23:20,249 And then one day I thought, “I think I could put this in a box 445 00:23:20,250 --> 00:23:25,250 and I think I could give this to David's mom someday," you know, 446 00:23:25,583 --> 00:23:27,016 or, “I think it's time that I could put David's picture 447 00:23:27,017 --> 00:23:31,016 or, “I think it's time that I could put David's picture 448 00:23:31,017 --> 00:23:33,216 into a scrapbook or into my prayer book." 449 00:23:33,217 --> 00:23:34,716 Like, I think it's okay. 450 00:23:34,717 --> 00:23:37,749 After a loved one dies, you're often faced 451 00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:39,749 with the question about what to do with all 452 00:23:39,750 --> 00:23:41,416 of his or her belongings. 453 00:23:41,417 --> 00:23:41,516 You may be surprised to learn that what you do 454 00:23:41,517 --> 00:23:43,849 You may be surprised to learn that what you do 455 00:23:43,850 --> 00:23:47,016 with those items will also affect your grief journey. 456 00:23:47,017 --> 00:23:50,949 Nancy: The process of going through their possessions can help you 457 00:23:50,950 --> 00:23:53,016 reach some of your grief goals. 458 00:23:53,017 --> 00:23:56,516 Dr. Smeenge: When Rick died, my only daughter was home from college 459 00:23:56,517 --> 00:24:00,349 Dr. Smeenge: When Rick died, my only daughter was home from college 460 00:24:00,350 --> 00:24:03,282 as a freshman there for the funeral. 461 00:24:03,283 --> 00:24:08,283 And she seemed really intent to go through all of Rick's, 462 00:24:08,783 --> 00:24:11,016 her dad's, belongings not so much because she wanted anything 463 00:24:11,017 --> 00:24:14,082 her dad's, belongings not so much because she wanted anything 464 00:24:14,083 --> 00:24:17,616 from that, but just because she thought it would be very, 465 00:24:17,617 --> 00:24:19,416 very helpful for me that I didn't have 466 00:24:19,417 --> 00:24:21,882 to deal with all the stuff. 467 00:24:21,883 --> 00:24:23,516 And I think that that's often true, 468 00:24:23,517 --> 00:24:25,282 that people around us think 469 00:24:25,283 --> 00:24:25,516 that they're doing grieving people a favor 470 00:24:25,517 --> 00:24:28,549 that they're doing grieving people a favor 471 00:24:28,550 --> 00:24:30,482 by just getting rid of everything quickly 472 00:24:30,483 --> 00:24:33,816 so because otherwise it will hurt or it will be painful 473 00:24:33,817 --> 00:24:38,082 for people to have to go through all the stuff. 474 00:24:38,083 --> 00:24:40,516 And what they don't really realize is that that's 475 00:24:40,517 --> 00:24:41,382 And what they don't really realize is that that's 476 00:24:41,383 --> 00:24:43,616 like a goldmine for grieving people. 477 00:24:43,617 --> 00:24:47,649 Dr. DeVries: After a person dies, all of the physical stuff 478 00:24:47,650 --> 00:24:49,882 that they had accumulated or used 479 00:24:49,883 --> 00:24:53,416 or wore is still there in the house. 480 00:24:53,417 --> 00:24:55,016 And I know that after my wife died, 481 00:24:55,017 --> 00:24:56,316 And I know that after my wife died, 482 00:24:56,317 --> 00:24:58,516 all of that was there and I had to deal with it. 483 00:24:58,517 --> 00:24:59,316 all of that was there and I had to deal with it. 484 00:24:59,317 --> 00:25:02,016 What I didn't realize at the time that I started going 485 00:25:02,017 --> 00:25:05,916 through that stuff is that that helped me work on almost all 486 00:25:05,917 --> 00:25:08,782 of the goals of grief that I think are involved 487 00:25:08,783 --> 00:25:10,016 in this grief journey. 488 00:25:10,017 --> 00:25:10,716 in this grief journey. 489 00:25:10,717 --> 00:25:13,382 It helped me, for example, to realize she's not coming back. 490 00:25:13,383 --> 00:25:15,416 I mean, I took one look at the closets 491 00:25:15,417 --> 00:25:17,216 and they were stuffed full of her clothing. 492 00:25:17,217 --> 00:25:19,816 And I had to take those out and put it somewhere. 493 00:25:19,817 --> 00:25:21,149 And I knew that I was doing 494 00:25:21,150 --> 00:25:23,349 that because she wouldn't be back to wear that. 495 00:25:23,350 --> 00:25:24,516 Looking at all the belongings 496 00:25:24,517 --> 00:25:25,316 Looking at all the belongings 497 00:25:25,317 --> 00:25:29,916 of a deceased person elicits emotions for people 498 00:25:29,917 --> 00:25:34,282 where they can remember, “Oh, I remember when she or he got this 499 00:25:34,283 --> 00:25:35,949 and they wore it to this event." 500 00:25:35,950 --> 00:25:39,516 And it may bring smiles, it may bring tears. 501 00:25:39,517 --> 00:25:40,182 And it may bring smiles, it may bring tears. 502 00:25:40,183 --> 00:25:43,316 But it does bring memories, and that's so important 503 00:25:43,317 --> 00:25:45,082 for us when we're grieving. 504 00:25:45,083 --> 00:25:47,549 In order for you to benefit from sorting 505 00:25:47,550 --> 00:25:49,416 through your loved one's belongings, 506 00:25:49,417 --> 00:25:51,716 you must go through them yourself. 507 00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:54,016 And if you feel like you can't do it now, that's okay. 508 00:25:54,017 --> 00:25:54,949 And if you feel like you can't do it now, that's okay. 509 00:25:54,950 --> 00:25:56,782 Just wait until you can. 510 00:25:56,783 --> 00:25:59,416 I had to say, “You know, Sarah, I know you want to go 511 00:25:59,417 --> 00:26:01,449 through this stuff and you think it's going to be helpful, 512 00:26:01,450 --> 00:26:05,249 and I'll do some of it with you, but I'm not ready 513 00:26:05,250 --> 00:26:06,549 to get rid of everything." 514 00:26:06,550 --> 00:26:07,982 You know, I want to go through this 515 00:26:07,983 --> 00:26:09,016 and I want to keep it there. 516 00:26:09,017 --> 00:26:09,216 and I want to keep it there. 517 00:26:09,217 --> 00:26:10,882 And you do it progressively. 518 00:26:10,883 --> 00:26:13,316 In the counseling setting, a counselor would work 519 00:26:13,317 --> 00:26:15,649 with a person to help them. 520 00:26:15,650 --> 00:26:19,049 We call it “exposure” to expose them 521 00:26:19,050 --> 00:26:23,449 to the fearful situation but progressively. 522 00:26:23,450 --> 00:26:23,516 It doesn't mean you'll suddenly walk into that room, 523 00:26:23,517 --> 00:26:27,249 It doesn't mean you'll suddenly walk into that room, 524 00:26:27,250 --> 00:26:30,716 but it might be one day just walk close to the door; 525 00:26:30,717 --> 00:26:34,249 might be another day just crack the door open a little bit; 526 00:26:34,250 --> 00:26:36,582 might be the next day you just crack 527 00:26:36,583 --> 00:26:38,516 that door open a little bit and turn on the light; and finally, 528 00:26:38,517 --> 00:26:40,382 that door open a little bit and turn on the light; and finally, 529 00:26:40,383 --> 00:26:43,516 it will come a day when you can walk into that. 530 00:26:43,517 --> 00:26:45,016 Day at a time, day at a time. 531 00:26:45,017 --> 00:26:48,182 And just kind of trust that you'll know 532 00:26:48,183 --> 00:26:51,616 when the time is right to make that next step. 533 00:26:51,617 --> 00:26:52,549 And no one else could tell me. 534 00:26:52,550 --> 00:26:53,016 Like, if a girlfriend would have come over 535 00:26:53,017 --> 00:26:54,082 Like, if a girlfriend would have come over 536 00:26:54,083 --> 00:26:55,149 and said, “Okay, Cindy. 537 00:26:55,150 --> 00:26:56,649 It's time to take down these pictures," 538 00:26:56,650 --> 00:26:58,749 that would have been very painful for me. 539 00:26:58,750 --> 00:27:01,282 Like, it was something that I had to decide just 540 00:27:01,283 --> 00:27:02,816 by walking through it. 541 00:27:02,817 --> 00:27:06,782 I can't go through his things right now. 542 00:27:06,783 --> 00:27:07,516 He was quite a pack rat. 543 00:27:07,517 --> 00:27:11,249 He was quite a pack rat. 544 00:27:11,250 --> 00:27:16,250 We have things from his first office from 1993 still 545 00:27:17,817 --> 00:27:21,749 up in our storage room, old fax machines and records. 546 00:27:21,750 --> 00:27:22,516 And it's a lot to go through, but I can't do it. 547 00:27:22,517 --> 00:27:27,517 And it's a lot to go through, but I can't do it. 548 00:27:31,250 --> 00:27:36,182 I know sooner or later I'll have to. 549 00:27:36,183 --> 00:27:37,016 I'll just have to hold the right hand of Jesus. 550 00:27:37,017 --> 00:27:38,649 I'll just have to hold the right hand of Jesus. 551 00:27:38,650 --> 00:27:43,650 I actually at this point have cleaned out virtually all 552 00:27:44,817 --> 00:27:49,817 of his clothes and donated them for the homeless in Raleigh. 553 00:27:51,084 --> 00:27:52,016 The process was ready, and it was right when it happened. 554 00:27:52,017 --> 00:27:57,017 The process was ready, and it was right when it happened. 555 00:28:00,283 --> 00:28:05,283 I just refuse to let people push me into their time zone. 556 00:28:06,383 --> 00:28:06,516 Their life wasn't my life. 557 00:28:06,517 --> 00:28:08,749 Their life wasn't my life. 558 00:28:08,750 --> 00:28:13,683 When someone just said, “It's been eight months," 559 00:28:13,684 --> 00:28:15,516 it's like, “Yes, I know. 560 00:28:15,517 --> 00:28:17,616 I'm just not ready yet. 561 00:28:17,617 --> 00:28:21,516 When I'm ready, I would love to have your help." 562 00:28:21,517 --> 00:28:21,790 When I'm ready, I would love to have your help." 563 00:28:22,883 --> 00:28:27,883 [Music] 564 00:28:36,017 --> 00:28:37,017 [Music] 565 00:28:45,450 --> 00:28:47,283 Our God is the God of all comfort. 566 00:28:47,284 --> 00:28:51,016 I can still remember that first night going to bed alone. 567 00:28:51,017 --> 00:28:52,449 I can still remember that first night going to bed alone. 568 00:28:52,450 --> 00:28:56,783 And as I closed the door in my room, I remember just crying 569 00:28:56,784 --> 00:28:59,249 out two words to God, “Help me. 570 00:28:59,250 --> 00:29:01,816 Help me." And you know, He did. 571 00:29:01,817 --> 00:29:03,316 I waited until everybody went to work, 572 00:29:03,317 --> 00:29:04,649 everybody went to school. 573 00:29:04,650 --> 00:29:05,516 We had a treadmill on the third floor. 574 00:29:05,517 --> 00:29:06,283 We had a treadmill on the third floor. 575 00:29:06,284 --> 00:29:09,249 And I would go up there and run as hard as I could and scream 576 00:29:09,250 --> 00:29:12,049 as loud as I could, and know that no one could hear me 577 00:29:12,050 --> 00:29:15,549 but God and yet it really brought great relief. 578 00:29:15,550 --> 00:29:17,882 And as a pastor, I've heard that from God's people 579 00:29:17,883 --> 00:29:20,516 so many times where they have said to me during the time 580 00:29:20,517 --> 00:29:21,349 so many times where they have said to me during the time 581 00:29:21,350 --> 00:29:26,350 of their grief, “I sense God's presence more than ever before. 582 00:29:26,683 --> 00:29:30,616 I sense the prayers of God's people more than ever before. 583 00:29:30,617 --> 00:29:35,016 I'm finding a level of strength and hope like never before. 584 00:29:35,017 --> 00:29:36,149 I'm finding a level of strength and hope like never before. 585 00:29:36,150 --> 00:29:38,116 God's Word is true. 586 00:29:38,117 --> 00:29:41,849 He's comforting me, and this opportunity 587 00:29:41,850 --> 00:29:46,116 of grief is helping me see that in a fresh and powerful way." 588 00:29:46,117 --> 00:29:47,783 What brought me the most comfort 589 00:29:47,784 --> 00:29:49,516 for my grief was developing my relationship with God. 590 00:29:49,517 --> 00:29:51,582 for my grief was developing my relationship with God. 591 00:29:51,583 --> 00:29:55,049 I took the time that I had, that I was alone, 592 00:29:55,050 --> 00:29:56,616 and I spent it with God. 593 00:29:56,617 --> 00:29:58,016 And I developed my relationship with Him by reading my Bible 594 00:29:58,017 --> 00:30:00,249 And I developed my relationship with Him by reading my Bible 595 00:30:00,250 --> 00:30:02,149 and by reading devotionals. 596 00:30:02,150 --> 00:30:04,516 God was really speaking to me through His word. 597 00:30:04,517 --> 00:30:05,549 God was really speaking to me through His word. 598 00:30:05,550 --> 00:30:09,116 And I would take those things, and I would own them for myself. 599 00:30:09,117 --> 00:30:11,216 I would take certain scripture verses, 600 00:30:11,217 --> 00:30:12,682 and I would own them for myself. 601 00:30:12,683 --> 00:30:17,216 It is important for us to turn to God, 602 00:30:17,217 --> 00:30:19,016 to cry out to Him, to go to Him. 603 00:30:19,017 --> 00:30:20,949 to cry out to Him, to go to Him. 604 00:30:20,950 --> 00:30:24,516 James 4 says, “Draw near unto God 605 00:30:24,517 --> 00:30:26,149 and He'll draw near unto you." 606 00:30:26,150 --> 00:30:30,582 So every grieving person has the responsibility 607 00:30:30,583 --> 00:30:34,016 to draw near to God. 608 00:30:34,017 --> 00:30:34,283 to draw near to God. 609 00:30:34,284 --> 00:30:36,149 And we draw near to God in a number of ways, 610 00:30:36,150 --> 00:30:40,749 as we draw near to God in prayer, we draw near to God 611 00:30:40,750 --> 00:30:43,649 by going to God's Word. 612 00:30:43,650 --> 00:30:48,482 And I now have a place I call “God's place." 613 00:30:48,483 --> 00:30:48,516 And you say, “Why do you call it God's place?" 614 00:30:48,517 --> 00:30:53,517 And you say, “Why do you call it God's place?" 615 00:30:53,784 --> 00:30:58,784 Well, I used to sit out there and read the Bible. 616 00:30:59,917 --> 00:31:03,516 As I'm reading the Bible, I feel a little warmth 617 00:31:03,517 --> 00:31:03,682 As I'm reading the Bible, I feel a little warmth 618 00:31:03,683 --> 00:31:07,416 on my right shoulder here. 619 00:31:07,417 --> 00:31:11,049 I says, 'What's that?" 620 00:31:11,050 --> 00:31:16,050 So I look up and there's between the trees, 621 00:31:16,450 --> 00:31:18,016 I have trees in the back, the sun is shining through 622 00:31:18,017 --> 00:31:19,682 I have trees in the back, the sun is shining through 623 00:31:19,683 --> 00:31:23,949 and with a little empty spot in the trees where the branches 624 00:31:23,950 --> 00:31:28,950 and leaves are coming through, shining right on my shoulder. 625 00:31:32,383 --> 00:31:33,016 So I said to my daughter, “Rob, this is what I experienced." 626 00:31:33,017 --> 00:31:37,649 So I said to my daughter, “Rob, this is what I experienced." 627 00:31:37,650 --> 00:31:40,449 She says, “Dad, do you know what that is? 628 00:31:40,450 --> 00:31:43,124 That's God and Margaret smiling." 629 00:31:45,250 --> 00:31:47,516 Keeping a written journal is one more choice 630 00:31:47,517 --> 00:31:48,582 Keeping a written journal is one more choice 631 00:31:48,583 --> 00:31:51,616 that can make your grieving process less confusing 632 00:31:51,617 --> 00:31:53,182 and disorienting. 633 00:31:53,183 --> 00:31:55,682 Nancy: Journaling helps you acknowledge thoughts 634 00:31:55,683 --> 00:31:59,016 and feelings that are sometimes hard to identify. 635 00:31:59,017 --> 00:32:00,416 Dr. DeVries: You may have a feeling inside of you. 636 00:32:00,417 --> 00:32:02,516 You don't really quite know what that's like, 637 00:32:02,517 --> 00:32:02,849 You don't really quite know what that's like, 638 00:32:02,850 --> 00:32:06,149 but when you're kind of forcing yourself to put a word to it 639 00:32:06,150 --> 00:32:09,782 and put it on a piece of paper, it often will help clarify what 640 00:32:09,783 --> 00:32:11,416 that is, “Am I really angry? 641 00:32:11,417 --> 00:32:12,816 Or am I sad? 642 00:32:12,817 --> 00:32:15,049 Or am I regretting something?" 643 00:32:15,050 --> 00:32:17,016 And to put that down and to see how your thinking 644 00:32:17,017 --> 00:32:19,349 And to put that down and to see how your thinking 645 00:32:19,350 --> 00:32:22,182 and your feelings are going together or not going together. 646 00:32:22,183 --> 00:32:24,282 Because a lot of times what you're saying 647 00:32:24,283 --> 00:32:26,849 to yourself affects how you feel about it. 648 00:32:26,850 --> 00:32:29,583 Sometimes I hear people saying, “I'm not sure 649 00:32:29,584 --> 00:32:31,682 that I am moving forward." 650 00:32:31,683 --> 00:32:35,182 But if the individual has been journaling, what we can do is 651 00:32:35,183 --> 00:32:38,182 to go back and look at the first month of their journaling 652 00:32:38,183 --> 00:32:41,149 and compare it now to their tenth month and they realize, 653 00:32:41,150 --> 00:32:44,816 “Oh, look at the differences, look at the changes." 654 00:32:44,817 --> 00:32:47,483 It's not real prettified when I'm writing it. 655 00:32:47,484 --> 00:32:51,049 It's pretty country-sounding. 656 00:32:51,050 --> 00:32:52,382 But it didn't matter. 657 00:32:52,383 --> 00:32:54,816 It was just what was coming out of me. 658 00:32:54,817 --> 00:32:56,883 And I wrote those down. 659 00:32:56,884 --> 00:32:59,016 And I kept it up. 660 00:32:59,017 --> 00:33:01,249 I didn't think it was doing anything for me, 661 00:33:01,250 --> 00:33:02,649 but I kept doing it anyway. 662 00:33:02,650 --> 00:33:06,216 I looked back on that journal about six months later, 663 00:33:06,217 --> 00:33:08,549 after I had forced myself to do it. 664 00:33:08,550 --> 00:33:11,582 And I read back in some of those early days 665 00:33:11,583 --> 00:33:14,583 and I recognize immediately, 'Wow, 666 00:33:14,584 --> 00:33:16,382 I have made some progress." 667 00:33:16,383 --> 00:33:20,549 It was also a way of validating myself as I did it 668 00:33:20,550 --> 00:33:23,249 because it says, “What you think and feel, Susan, is important." 669 00:33:23,250 --> 00:33:25,449 Then I took it to the next level and said, 670 00:33:25,450 --> 00:33:28,749 “So that was uncomfortable, or hurtful, or upsetting 671 00:33:28,750 --> 00:33:32,283 to me this time; how am I going to handle it next time?" 672 00:33:32,284 --> 00:33:35,516 And so it was a good lead-in for me to start preparing myself, 673 00:33:35,517 --> 00:33:37,682 like, “I think I need to do this" or “I think 674 00:33:37,683 --> 00:33:39,582 that would be helpful for me next time." 675 00:33:39,583 --> 00:33:41,816 At first, I started pouring out about my sorrow, 676 00:33:41,817 --> 00:33:45,116 how much I miss mom, sister 677 00:33:45,117 --> 00:33:47,749 and then eventually I think I swung to a direction 678 00:33:47,750 --> 00:33:51,016 where I just started talking about life in general. 679 00:33:51,017 --> 00:33:53,916 You know? I went from “I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. 680 00:33:53,917 --> 00:33:54,849 Here's what I'm doing today" 681 00:33:54,850 --> 00:33:57,049 to “This is what God is doing in my life. 682 00:33:57,050 --> 00:33:58,549 This is what my grandson is doing. 683 00:33:58,550 --> 00:33:59,849 This is what my children is doing." 684 00:33:59,850 --> 00:34:03,149 I still mention mom, you know, but not as much, 685 00:34:03,150 --> 00:34:07,249 or sister much, as much as I did when I first started. 686 00:34:07,250 --> 00:34:08,949 You know, one of the things that people say 687 00:34:08,950 --> 00:34:10,982 that really helps them in the process 688 00:34:10,983 --> 00:34:13,816 of grieving is journaling, writing. 689 00:34:13,817 --> 00:34:17,782 And I really believe that is because of that action 690 00:34:17,783 --> 00:34:22,382 of moving a pen or even typing on a keyboard is related 691 00:34:22,383 --> 00:34:25,982 to knowing that there is something going on right now, 692 00:34:25,983 --> 00:34:30,983 and the brain starts thinking about whatever is going on now. 693 00:34:32,584 --> 00:34:35,482 Even if you're recollecting things from the past, 694 00:34:35,483 --> 00:34:38,949 you're putting your attention to an action that is only going 695 00:34:38,950 --> 00:34:42,349 on now, it's not going to happen in the future 696 00:34:42,350 --> 00:34:44,616 and it's not that it happened in the past, 697 00:34:44,617 --> 00:34:48,649 but you're focusing your attention to the present moment. 698 00:34:48,650 --> 00:34:52,349 And sure enough, people say that it's something 699 00:34:52,350 --> 00:34:53,916 that really helps them. 700 00:34:53,917 --> 00:34:56,816 Your GriefShare workbook has a number of prompts 701 00:34:56,817 --> 00:34:58,816 to help you get started journaling. 702 00:34:58,817 --> 00:35:00,183 You can find them at the end 703 00:35:00,184 --> 00:35:02,616 of each week's note-taking section. 704 00:35:02,617 --> 00:35:05,049 Try to complete this week's journaling exercise 705 00:35:05,050 --> 00:35:06,654 and see what you think. 706 00:35:07,184 --> 00:35:09,116 Male Narrator: This week's From Mourning 707 00:35:09,117 --> 00:35:12,616 to Joy exercises introduce you to David. 708 00:35:12,617 --> 00:35:15,782 Learn how he got comfortable asking others to help him 709 00:35:15,783 --> 00:35:17,649 after his wife's death. 710 00:35:17,650 --> 00:35:20,282 Plus, you'll find hope and encouragement 711 00:35:20,283 --> 00:35:23,492 as you complete each of this week's exercises. 712 00:35:24,450 --> 00:35:27,349 During the next session of GriefShare, 713 00:35:27,350 --> 00:35:30,816 discover how grief affects your relationships. 714 00:35:30,817 --> 00:35:32,883 I was chatting with a girlfriend on the phone, 715 00:35:32,884 --> 00:35:34,149 and she was complaining 716 00:35:34,150 --> 00:35:38,583 about how messy her husband was leaving the kitchen lately. 717 00:35:38,584 --> 00:35:41,849 I said, “You know, I wish I had that problem." 718 00:35:41,850 --> 00:35:46,383 Sometimes people will share a truth with you 719 00:35:46,384 --> 00:35:51,384 that has meant a lot to them, but it feels 720 00:35:51,617 --> 00:35:55,549 like a slap in the face to you. 721 00:35:55,550 --> 00:35:58,383 I don't really think there's any way people can get 722 00:35:58,384 --> 00:36:02,389 through grieving if they're with people the majority of the time. 723 00:36:03,317 --> 00:36:07,383 The journey of grief is long and tiresome. 724 00:36:07,384 --> 00:36:10,116 But as you've seen today, there are things you can do 725 00:36:10,117 --> 00:36:11,916 to make it more bearable. 726 00:36:11,917 --> 00:36:14,582 In coming GriefShare sessions, we'll continue 727 00:36:14,583 --> 00:36:18,249 to share insights that will help you move from painful memories 728 00:36:18,250 --> 00:36:21,483 of your loved one's death to less intense feelings 729 00:36:21,484 --> 00:36:23,649 in which you cherish his or her memory. 730 00:36:23,650 --> 00:36:28,383 This is important information that you won't want to miss. 731 00:36:28,384 --> 00:36:30,549 And remember, you're welcome to invite a friend 732 00:36:30,550 --> 00:36:33,982 or a family member who is grieving to join this group. 733 00:36:33,983 --> 00:36:34,816 Thanks for coming. 734 00:36:34,817 --> 00:36:36,262 We' ll see you next time.