1 00:00:06,317 --> 00:00:11,317 A lot of people say I'd like to just get over it and as quick 2 00:00:11,450 --> 00:00:16,450 as I can but over, under or around are not good prepositions 3 00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:18,849 to use when we're discussing grief. 4 00:00:18,850 --> 00:00:22,782 Everything in me wanted to hurry up, to have three steps 5 00:00:22,783 --> 00:00:27,249 to be healed, to be whole and to keep going but I learned quickly 6 00:00:27,250 --> 00:00:31,549 that if I was going to make it through this, that I was going 7 00:00:31,550 --> 00:00:34,449 to have to walk through the valley. 8 00:00:34,450 --> 00:00:38,649 It's very Bible, “Yea, though I walk through the valley," 9 00:00:38,650 --> 00:00:41,082 it doesn't say around or over or under the valley, 10 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:43,882 it says through the valley of the shadow of death, 11 00:00:43,883 --> 00:00:48,449 I will fear no evil and our promise from God in going 12 00:00:48,450 --> 00:00:52,421 through is that He will be with us all the way on that journey. 13 00:00:52,950 --> 00:00:57,016 Hello, welcome to GriefShare, I'm Nancy Guthrie 14 00:00:57,017 --> 00:00:59,082 and this is my husband, David. 15 00:00:59,083 --> 00:01:01,582 In our last session, we discovered that the death 16 00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:05,549 of a loved one changes everything, the way you think, 17 00:01:05,550 --> 00:01:09,082 the way you feel, your motivation, your relationship 18 00:01:09,083 --> 00:01:13,482 with God and more but during that session, we also introduced 19 00:01:13,483 --> 00:01:16,982 you to people who've been where you are right now. 20 00:01:16,983 --> 00:01:18,682 We benefited from hearing them 21 00:01:18,683 --> 00:01:21,849 describe how difficult grief was for them. 22 00:01:21,850 --> 00:01:24,316 Nancy: As you watched them talk about grief, 23 00:01:24,317 --> 00:01:28,249 you may have wondered, “How do I get to the other side of grief?" 24 00:01:28,250 --> 00:01:30,249 Or, “How do I reach the point where I can talk 25 00:01:30,250 --> 00:01:33,116 about my pain in the past tense." 26 00:01:33,117 --> 00:01:36,849 You've just heard people describing grief as a journey. 27 00:01:36,850 --> 00:01:40,182 Today, we want to show you the path you need to travel 28 00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:43,849 as you heal from your grief and explain the steps you need 29 00:01:43,850 --> 00:01:47,320 to take to move from mourning to joy. 30 00:02:01,417 --> 00:02:04,416 We are at the beginning point of the path 31 00:02:04,417 --> 00:02:06,182 that stretches behind us. 32 00:02:06,183 --> 00:02:09,016 To get to the end of it, we've got to start hiking. 33 00:02:09,017 --> 00:02:11,616 It's the same way with grief. 34 00:02:11,617 --> 00:02:13,249 To work through it, you've got 35 00:02:13,250 --> 00:02:15,749 to begin the process of grieving. 36 00:02:15,750 --> 00:02:18,616 Right now, you may be thinking that you don't want 37 00:02:18,617 --> 00:02:22,582 to move forward because if you do, you, in effect, 38 00:02:22,583 --> 00:02:27,316 dishonor your loved one or maybe you're ready to move forward 39 00:02:27,317 --> 00:02:30,982 but you worry that others will think you didn't really love 40 00:02:30,983 --> 00:02:34,316 your child, spouse or sibling if you don't continue 41 00:02:34,317 --> 00:02:37,316 to grieve heavily for a longer period of time. 42 00:02:37,317 --> 00:02:41,616 Zoricelis: When we talk about grief and our goal of grieving is 43 00:02:41,617 --> 00:02:46,617 adapting to a new life and to a new normal without that person. 44 00:02:47,050 --> 00:02:50,782 Sometimes people can see that as bad 45 00:02:50,783 --> 00:02:53,916 because they see the word new 46 00:02:53,917 --> 00:02:58,749 and associate it also always with something good. 47 00:02:58,750 --> 00:03:03,216 Well, that new, it just means something different 48 00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:05,449 and now my life is different. 49 00:03:05,450 --> 00:03:08,849 It's a new different life without that person. 50 00:03:08,850 --> 00:03:13,249 That does not mean that that person has ever forgotten 51 00:03:13,250 --> 00:03:16,782 that person who died that they loved. 52 00:03:16,783 --> 00:03:18,349 They will always remember. 53 00:03:18,350 --> 00:03:20,616 As human beings, we don't forget. 54 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:24,882 It's just that I cannot live in pain the rest of my life 55 00:03:24,883 --> 00:03:29,316 with this intensity and this turmoil that I feel right now. 56 00:03:29,317 --> 00:03:30,982 There's a difference between moving on 57 00:03:30,983 --> 00:03:34,482 and moving forward 'cause moving on suggests 58 00:03:34,483 --> 00:03:36,382 that you're leaving something behind. 59 00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:40,282 Moving forward is that you're taking something with you. 60 00:03:40,283 --> 00:03:43,016 If you're still concerned about what others will think 61 00:03:43,017 --> 00:03:46,416 about the way you grieve, remember this; you can't heal 62 00:03:46,417 --> 00:03:48,349 from grief while being overly concerned 63 00:03:48,350 --> 00:03:50,482 about what those around you think. 64 00:03:50,483 --> 00:03:53,249 Grieving is hard enough as it is. 65 00:03:53,250 --> 00:03:55,749 Acting the way you think others would like you 66 00:03:55,750 --> 00:03:58,049 to makes it unbearable. 67 00:03:58,050 --> 00:04:01,382 Besides, while others can give you principles and guidance 68 00:04:01,383 --> 00:04:02,782 about the journey of grief, 69 00:04:02,783 --> 00:04:05,882 no one can tell you exactly how it should look for you 70 00:04:05,883 --> 00:04:08,249 because everyone's journey is unique. 71 00:04:08,250 --> 00:04:09,516 Dr. Viars: My experience as a pastor is 72 00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:11,249 that everybody grieves differently. 73 00:04:11,250 --> 00:04:14,916 There's no manual, there's no instruction sheet. 74 00:04:14,917 --> 00:04:19,917 Some people, they just run away, avoid, hide. 75 00:04:20,817 --> 00:04:22,649 It's a singular experience for those. 76 00:04:22,650 --> 00:04:26,416 Some people are obviously angry. 77 00:04:26,417 --> 00:04:29,816 When my dad was sick, people would tell me 78 00:04:29,817 --> 00:04:34,817 that, “Prepare yourself because you're going to have a time 79 00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:39,582 of wailing and just uncontrollability." 80 00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:43,016 And I kept waiting for that and waiting for that, expecting it 81 00:04:43,017 --> 00:04:46,049 and never came so then I thought well, 82 00:04:46,050 --> 00:04:47,116 it was something wrong with me. 83 00:04:47,117 --> 00:04:48,416 I know I loved my dad. 84 00:04:48,417 --> 00:04:51,882 We sometimes feel in the Christian community that there, 85 00:04:51,883 --> 00:04:55,516 you know, we have stages of grief and stages of this 86 00:04:55,517 --> 00:04:56,582 and procedures for that 87 00:04:56,583 --> 00:04:58,916 and I think there's a lot of danger in that. 88 00:04:58,917 --> 00:04:59,516 The facilitator for our grief recovery group, she assured me 89 00:04:59,517 --> 00:05:01,682 The facilitator for our grief recovery group, she assured me 90 00:05:01,683 --> 00:05:03,516 that everyone grieves differently, 91 00:05:03,517 --> 00:05:06,316 that there are people who have outward bursts of emotions 92 00:05:06,317 --> 00:05:08,416 and there are just some people who don't 93 00:05:08,417 --> 00:05:10,716 and that's not my personality anyway. 94 00:05:10,717 --> 00:05:12,949 Your grief journey is your own. 95 00:05:12,950 --> 00:05:17,950 There's no time limit, there's not a certain way 96 00:05:18,550 --> 00:05:22,282 you have to feel or act or whatever. 97 00:05:22,283 --> 00:05:24,949 It's a journey that you have to go through. 98 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:26,349 Don't come up with formulas. 99 00:05:26,350 --> 00:05:28,216 Don't come up with this is what -- 100 00:05:28,217 --> 00:05:30,116 this is the procedure that you must follow, 101 00:05:30,117 --> 00:05:31,790 I think that's a huge mistake. 102 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:38,250 [Music] 103 00:05:41,050 --> 00:05:44,682 Female Narrator: Sylvia's first husband Phillip died of a heart attack. 104 00:05:44,683 --> 00:05:48,149 Seventeen years later, her second husband Bill died 105 00:05:48,150 --> 00:05:50,749 from heart and lung disease. 106 00:05:50,750 --> 00:05:54,282 Sylvia: I didn't grieve the same way with Bill 107 00:05:54,283 --> 00:05:59,283 that I did with Phillip. 108 00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:02,882 With my first husband, it was so sudden. 109 00:06:02,883 --> 00:06:07,883 I mean I was just totally shocked beyond belief. 110 00:06:09,683 --> 00:06:14,683 I think it took me much longer to get back to everyday living. 111 00:06:20,350 --> 00:06:23,782 Female Narrator: Bill's. death, while painful, wasn't as sudden 112 00:06:23,783 --> 00:06:25,982 so Sylvia's grief wasn't as intense. 113 00:06:25,983 --> 00:06:30,983 No two relationships are the same and I cannot say 114 00:06:33,850 --> 00:06:38,182 that I loved one more than I did the other. 115 00:06:38,183 --> 00:06:42,882 Like I say, our love, our relationship was very different. 116 00:06:42,883 --> 00:06:47,883 As far as being less love, 117 00:06:49,283 --> 00:06:53,749 there was none of that and I don't feel guilty 118 00:06:53,750 --> 00:07:01,750 that my response was not the same. 119 00:07:02,617 --> 00:07:05,982 Nancy: One reason your journey of grief is unique 120 00:07:05,983 --> 00:07:08,649 is that you had a unique relationship 121 00:07:08,650 --> 00:07:10,116 with your loved one. 122 00:07:10,117 --> 00:07:15,049 Karen: People say I know exactly how you feel. They don't. 123 00:07:15,050 --> 00:07:16,982 And it's because the relationship is different 124 00:07:16,983 --> 00:07:18,782 or the experience is different 125 00:07:18,783 --> 00:07:21,516 and so even though people mean well, 126 00:07:21,517 --> 00:07:24,549 you get offended 'cause you don't know what my relationship 127 00:07:24,550 --> 00:07:27,182 was like or maybe I had a good relationship 128 00:07:27,183 --> 00:07:28,716 and you had a bad relationship 129 00:07:28,717 --> 00:07:30,716 or yours was bad and mine was good. 130 00:07:30,717 --> 00:07:33,116 I mean whatever they are, they're different experiences 131 00:07:33,117 --> 00:07:37,649 and so it's important that when people are trying to be helpful 132 00:07:37,650 --> 00:07:40,282 and you get offended that you understand it's simply 133 00:07:40,283 --> 00:07:41,782 because the relationship is different. 134 00:07:41,783 --> 00:07:46,116 I wanted people to understand how close I was with my aunt 135 00:07:46,117 --> 00:07:48,982 and for people to understand that bond 136 00:07:48,983 --> 00:07:53,983 that we were very special to each other and I was almost 137 00:07:54,250 --> 00:07:57,449 in a panic, trying desperately 138 00:07:57,450 --> 00:08:00,382 to have another human understand that. 139 00:08:00,383 --> 00:08:03,882 Who that person was, who I am with that person, 140 00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:05,949 the kind of role relationship we had, 141 00:08:05,950 --> 00:08:10,950 the nature of the attachment just a lot of things go on into 142 00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:14,249 that in terms of making it uniquely my own. 143 00:08:14,250 --> 00:08:19,250 I think I was internalizing that only I, for the rest 144 00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:22,449 of my life, I'm the only one 145 00:08:22,450 --> 00:08:27,450 of this two part friendship that's going to remember 146 00:08:27,683 --> 00:08:31,416 that bond because the other person is gone 147 00:08:31,417 --> 00:08:36,116 and so now it's all resting on me to understand the value 148 00:08:36,117 --> 00:08:38,782 and the way and the beauty of that relationship. 149 00:08:38,783 --> 00:08:43,716 And it almost felt -- it was a heavy burden 150 00:08:43,717 --> 00:08:47,782 to treasure that alone. 151 00:08:47,783 --> 00:08:51,416 Female Narrator: Over time, Victoria realized that her relationship 152 00:08:51,417 --> 00:08:53,516 with her aunt was a gift from God 153 00:08:53,517 --> 00:08:56,716 and since God knew everything about their bond, 154 00:08:56,717 --> 00:08:59,382 He also knew how Victoria was feeling. 155 00:08:59,383 --> 00:09:02,449 Victoria: He not only understood the joy of that relationship 156 00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:07,382 but He understood the brokenness I was feeling afterwards 157 00:09:07,383 --> 00:09:11,316 and He was walking hand in hand with me the whole time 158 00:09:11,317 --> 00:09:15,816 and it was actually a three person relationship 159 00:09:15,817 --> 00:09:20,682 and so there was that person validating 160 00:09:20,683 --> 00:09:22,182 and blessing the relationship 161 00:09:22,183 --> 00:09:27,183 and saying you can put the full weight of the significance 162 00:09:28,917 --> 00:09:33,917 of this relationship on me and you will always have someone 163 00:09:33,983 --> 00:09:38,949 that understands what that relationship was to you 164 00:09:38,950 --> 00:09:40,582 and consequently, 165 00:09:40,583 --> 00:09:44,360 will understand the depth of my grief. 166 00:09:46,950 --> 00:09:50,716 Since grief is such a personal experience, 167 00:09:50,717 --> 00:09:54,749 trying hard to follow someone else's roadmap likely won't help 168 00:09:54,750 --> 00:09:57,849 you find your personal path to healing. 169 00:09:57,850 --> 00:10:01,316 Dr. Moitinho: If a grieving person is looking at someone else 170 00:10:01,317 --> 00:10:04,816 and saying, “I'm going to do exactly what someone else did," 171 00:10:04,817 --> 00:10:09,817 the hazard is they may be trying to do something that worked 172 00:10:11,650 --> 00:10:16,082 in a particular situation under a particular set 173 00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,149 of circumstances that may not work here. 174 00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:20,349 Several people have asked me have you -- 175 00:10:20,350 --> 00:10:23,649 do you regularly go to visit your brother's gravesite 176 00:10:23,650 --> 00:10:27,016 and I have felt embarrassed when they asked me 177 00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:29,749 that 'cause I've never been back to his gravesite 178 00:10:29,750 --> 00:10:31,649 after I was there at the burial. 179 00:10:31,650 --> 00:10:34,449 I was there when he was buried and I was weeping there 180 00:10:34,450 --> 00:10:36,516 but I've not been back and people say well, 181 00:10:36,517 --> 00:10:37,449 “That's what you're supposed to do." 182 00:10:37,450 --> 00:10:39,582 And I don't think there's a formula 183 00:10:39,583 --> 00:10:40,849 for what I'm supposed to do. 184 00:10:40,850 --> 00:10:44,682 I am very logical, I reason things out. 185 00:10:44,683 --> 00:10:46,982 I'm very factual, whereas I've noticed 186 00:10:46,983 --> 00:10:50,149 that with other family members, they're more emotional 187 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:53,049 and rather than go by logic and reason, 188 00:10:53,050 --> 00:10:54,882 they're going to feel that moment. 189 00:10:54,883 --> 00:10:59,049 When I think about my father-in-law's death, for me, 190 00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:02,416 I immediately began to collect memories and to start talking 191 00:11:02,417 --> 00:11:06,149 about him and telling stories and keeping the memory alive. 192 00:11:06,150 --> 00:11:08,616 For my husband, he withdrew. 193 00:11:08,617 --> 00:11:11,582 On my camera, I still have pictures of my mom 194 00:11:11,583 --> 00:11:15,249 in her casket and sometimes when I'm flipping through my phone, 195 00:11:15,250 --> 00:11:17,382 I'll go other way and my friends will be like, “Whoa!" 196 00:11:17,383 --> 00:11:20,949 I'm like, “Oh, that's just mom." [Laughter]. 197 00:11:20,950 --> 00:11:23,082 “Why do you still have that on your camera?" 198 00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:24,949 I said, “Because I like to see her." 199 00:11:24,950 --> 00:11:26,782 Then it's, you know. 200 00:11:26,783 --> 00:11:30,149 I have to often tell them this is whats going to help me. 201 00:11:30,150 --> 00:11:31,549 This is my healing process. 202 00:11:31,550 --> 00:11:34,116 If you can't do it, then that's fine. 203 00:11:34,117 --> 00:11:37,482 Do it when you can but for me, I need to go this path. 204 00:11:37,483 --> 00:11:39,416 They said, “But don't you have better pictures of her?" 205 00:11:39,417 --> 00:11:40,982 I said, “What's wrong with that picture, 206 00:11:40,983 --> 00:11:43,216 I think she looked pretty snazzy, don't you? 207 00:11:43,217 --> 00:11:45,649 Look at her nails." You know, stuff like that 208 00:11:45,650 --> 00:11:47,416 and they're like, “Gracie, you're crazy." 209 00:11:47,417 --> 00:11:49,516 I say, “I am, really I am but don't worry 210 00:11:49,517 --> 00:11:50,349 about that, it will be all right." 211 00:11:50,350 --> 00:11:54,149 Sometimes the hardest part is being okay with how they see it 212 00:11:54,150 --> 00:11:59,049 and how they need to grieve and being okay with how I need 213 00:11:59,050 --> 00:12:02,316 to grieve and not comparing the two. 214 00:12:02,317 --> 00:12:06,149 Since every person's journey of grief is different, 215 00:12:06,150 --> 00:12:08,282 it's not wise for us to give you a map 216 00:12:08,283 --> 00:12:11,549 that details the exact path you should take. 217 00:12:11,550 --> 00:12:15,582 But we can suggest six goals you'll want to work toward. 218 00:12:15,583 --> 00:12:18,749 Well briefly explain four of the goals in this session 219 00:12:18,750 --> 00:12:21,216 and well share the other two in future sessions. 220 00:12:21,217 --> 00:12:24,482 Then throughout the remainder of your Grief Share experience, 221 00:12:24,483 --> 00:12:25,849 we' ll go into more detail 222 00:12:25,850 --> 00:12:28,549 about how you can pursue all six goals. 223 00:12:28,550 --> 00:12:32,582 Nancy: So let's look at your first goal; accept the reality 224 00:12:32,583 --> 00:12:34,382 of your loved one's death. 225 00:12:34,383 --> 00:12:36,716 Dr. DeVries: When we talk about the first goal of grief 226 00:12:36,717 --> 00:12:39,182 as accepting the fact that the loved one has died, 227 00:12:39,183 --> 00:12:43,216 many people will say, “Duh, of course, I see that person 228 00:12:43,217 --> 00:12:45,716 in the casket, I know that they died." 229 00:12:45,717 --> 00:12:49,416 But the reality is it takes probably six to nine months 230 00:12:49,417 --> 00:12:53,616 for the heart to accept what the head has already seen. 231 00:12:53,617 --> 00:12:57,482 That is, emotionally for a long time, we think we hear 232 00:12:57,483 --> 00:13:00,849 that person coming back or you come home from work and you walk 233 00:13:00,850 --> 00:13:04,616 in the door and you want to say hello to your son or your wife 234 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,349 or your parent who might be living there 235 00:13:06,350 --> 00:13:07,616 and it just doesn't happen. 236 00:13:07,617 --> 00:13:10,449 And so when we talk about accepting the reality 237 00:13:10,450 --> 00:13:14,216 of that death, it really means putting yourself in situations 238 00:13:14,217 --> 00:13:16,416 where you really face the reality 239 00:13:16,417 --> 00:13:19,682 that that person is not there and is not coming back. 240 00:13:19,683 --> 00:13:22,616 One of the hard things about the grief journey is 241 00:13:22,617 --> 00:13:24,649 that you have so many tour guides. 242 00:13:24,650 --> 00:13:26,716 You've got us telling you what to do, 243 00:13:26,717 --> 00:13:29,516 people you see throughout the GriefShare videos, 244 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:32,849 well-meaning friends, suggestions in your workbook. 245 00:13:32,850 --> 00:13:36,082 Sometimes it can be overwhelming. 246 00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:39,649 Surrounded by all this information, it's important 247 00:13:39,650 --> 00:13:43,682 that you turn and listen to the one person who is best suited 248 00:13:43,683 --> 00:13:45,816 to help you through the grieving process. 249 00:13:45,817 --> 00:13:47,682 I think I need to be able to say God, 250 00:13:47,683 --> 00:13:50,449 not only are you relevant to this process of healing 251 00:13:50,450 --> 00:13:52,849 but you're central and whatever the word hope means, 252 00:13:52,850 --> 00:13:53,949 I've got to find it in you. 253 00:13:53,950 --> 00:13:57,649 God's comfort is to be sought as well 254 00:13:57,650 --> 00:14:02,416 so in some sense, it's not automatic. 255 00:14:02,417 --> 00:14:04,082 There is a component to us -- 256 00:14:04,083 --> 00:14:08,416 to it that God says “Draw near unto God 257 00:14:08,417 --> 00:14:10,216 and He will draw near unto you. 258 00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:13,616 Seek the Lord and He may be found." 259 00:14:13,617 --> 00:14:17,682 There's certainly grace that comes to us unmerited 260 00:14:17,683 --> 00:14:20,582 in that sense in which He is with us 261 00:14:20,583 --> 00:14:23,316 but there are also moments He wants us actually to seek Him. 262 00:14:23,317 --> 00:14:28,317 Run to God, cry out to Him, accept the hope 263 00:14:30,383 --> 00:14:33,616 that there is there, accept the comfort 264 00:14:33,617 --> 00:14:35,649 in the Psalms and the Scriptures. 265 00:14:35,650 --> 00:14:37,316 It's the promises in His Bible 266 00:14:37,317 --> 00:14:38,749 that give me the most comfort. 267 00:14:38,750 --> 00:14:43,750 It's not a warm feeling I get, it's the truth of God's word 268 00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:47,149 that He has promised that the grave is not the end. 269 00:14:47,150 --> 00:14:52,150 [Music] 270 00:14:59,017 --> 00:15:02,328 [Music] 271 00:15:02,717 --> 00:15:06,216 Nancy: The next goal in your grief journey is 272 00:15:06,217 --> 00:15:10,482 to appropriately express your grief related emotions. 273 00:15:10,483 --> 00:15:14,349 David: When we try to numb emotions, 274 00:15:14,350 --> 00:15:19,350 what happens is we numb all emotions so if I numb my anxiety 275 00:15:20,950 --> 00:15:25,582 and my anger and my sadness, I'm also numbing my joy, 276 00:15:25,583 --> 00:15:28,882 my love, my connection. 277 00:15:28,883 --> 00:15:33,516 So as I run away from feeling certain things, 278 00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,616 I'm also running away from the opportunity 279 00:15:35,617 --> 00:15:40,216 to use those feelings for healing in my process. 280 00:15:40,217 --> 00:15:42,616 I usually felt better after I cried so I knew 281 00:15:42,617 --> 00:15:46,149 that it's God's way of helping you deal with the situation. 282 00:15:46,150 --> 00:15:48,782 The fact of the matter is the more you keep your emotions 283 00:15:48,783 --> 00:15:51,149 inside, the more you try to swallow them, 284 00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:54,349 the more they'll come out in probably more detrimental ways 285 00:15:54,350 --> 00:15:58,516 and therefore, we really encourage people to set as one 286 00:15:58,517 --> 00:16:01,382 of the goals of grief to be authentic 287 00:16:01,383 --> 00:16:04,482 about how they're feeling, to be congruent, if you will, 288 00:16:04,483 --> 00:16:06,249 to say, “I'm really grieving. 289 00:16:06,250 --> 00:16:09,882 I feel very, very sad," or angry or whatever the emotion might be 290 00:16:09,883 --> 00:16:13,349 and find some appropriate way to give expression to that. 291 00:16:13,350 --> 00:16:17,349 The next goal has to do with how you see yourself now 292 00:16:17,350 --> 00:16:19,249 that your loved one is gone. 293 00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:22,082 In short, you need to figure out who you are 294 00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:24,482 without that person in your life. 295 00:16:24,483 --> 00:16:26,682 H. Norman: I remember the first time that I received something 296 00:16:26,683 --> 00:16:27,816 in the mail that said 297 00:16:27,817 --> 00:16:32,416 H. Norman Wright, widower. I sort of bristled, I did not want them 298 00:16:32,417 --> 00:16:36,149 putting that label on me, even though it was true. 299 00:16:36,150 --> 00:16:39,182 When my mother died, that was the second of my two parents 300 00:16:39,183 --> 00:16:40,649 who passed away and I walked 301 00:16:40,650 --> 00:16:43,116 around for quite a while saying I'm now an orphan, 302 00:16:43,117 --> 00:16:44,316 I have no parents. 303 00:16:44,317 --> 00:16:46,416 It is coming to the place where we realize 304 00:16:46,417 --> 00:16:51,416 that I no longer am that same person and so we have to sort 305 00:16:51,417 --> 00:16:56,417 of carve out this new identity and it's a hard adjustment. 306 00:16:57,483 --> 00:17:01,982 You might bristle at the idea of establishing a new identity. 307 00:17:01,983 --> 00:17:04,782 You still want to be known as your late husband's wife 308 00:17:04,783 --> 00:17:08,216 or as your child's mom and that makes a lot of sense. 309 00:17:08,217 --> 00:17:11,049 But there are better ways to honor your loved one 310 00:17:11,050 --> 00:17:14,349 than to continue to define yourself by your relationship 311 00:17:14,350 --> 00:17:18,582 to him or her. So as we walk this journey with you, 312 00:17:18,583 --> 00:17:20,449 we'll show you how to honor 313 00:17:20,450 --> 00:17:24,549 and remember the person you lost while also moving forward. 314 00:17:24,550 --> 00:17:29,049 Nancy: So those are four of the six goals of grief; accept the fact 315 00:17:29,050 --> 00:17:33,182 that your loved one has died, turn to God, 316 00:17:33,183 --> 00:17:36,116 appropriately express all grief related emotion 317 00:17:36,117 --> 00:17:38,982 and establish a new identity. 318 00:17:38,983 --> 00:17:40,982 David: We'd like to underscore a few things 319 00:17:40,983 --> 00:17:42,649 about the goals we'll be sharing 320 00:17:42,650 --> 00:17:44,582 with you throughout the GriefShare program. 321 00:17:44,583 --> 00:17:48,649 First, reaching them requires effort. 322 00:17:48,650 --> 00:17:50,882 We will focus more on that in our next session. 323 00:17:50,883 --> 00:17:55,049 Second, these goals are not sequential and we're not talking 324 00:17:55,050 --> 00:17:57,382 about stages of grief. 325 00:17:57,383 --> 00:18:00,482 We've tried to present them in a logical order 326 00:18:00,483 --> 00:18:02,316 but you'll probably find yourself working 327 00:18:02,317 --> 00:18:04,282 on multiple goals at once. 328 00:18:04,283 --> 00:18:06,916 In fact, sometimes the same effort can 329 00:18:06,917 --> 00:18:09,382 help you move towards several goals. 330 00:18:09,383 --> 00:18:12,649 And finally, some of you may not feel like trying 331 00:18:12,650 --> 00:18:14,749 to accomplish any goals. 332 00:18:14,750 --> 00:18:18,282 It's hard enough for you to simply get dressed each day 333 00:18:18,283 --> 00:18:19,782 but if you think about it, 334 00:18:19,783 --> 00:18:22,616 you've probably already made progress on many 335 00:18:22,617 --> 00:18:23,949 of the goals we've shared. 336 00:18:23,950 --> 00:18:27,549 For example, just showing up here is a way 337 00:18:27,550 --> 00:18:30,782 of accepting the fact that your loved one has died 338 00:18:30,783 --> 00:18:33,549 and you've probably already spent time being sad 339 00:18:33,550 --> 00:18:34,982 so you've already begun 340 00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:37,449 to appropriately express your grief. 341 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:40,782 David: And I'm sure that some of you have already turned to God 342 00:18:40,783 --> 00:18:44,249 in prayer or perhaps you've done some of the exercises 343 00:18:44,250 --> 00:18:46,282 in your GriefShare workbook; 344 00:18:46,283 --> 00:18:49,116 those are both great examples of turning to God. 345 00:18:49,117 --> 00:18:51,582 So while you have a ways to go, 346 00:18:51,583 --> 00:18:54,530 you're probably further along than you thought. 347 00:18:55,050 --> 00:19:00,050 [Music] 348 00:19:08,117 --> 00:19:12,449 Earlier, we noted that it takes a commitment to begin, 349 00:19:12,450 --> 00:19:16,082 whether it's a hike along this path or the journey you'll need 350 00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:18,716 to take as you heal after your loss. 351 00:19:18,717 --> 00:19:21,282 Getting started on the grief journey is difficult 352 00:19:21,283 --> 00:19:23,816 for many people but there are some of you 353 00:19:23,817 --> 00:19:25,482 that may be tempted to rush through it. 354 00:19:25,483 --> 00:19:28,349 Just like it would not be wise to try 355 00:19:28,350 --> 00:19:30,049 to sprint along this trail 356 00:19:30,050 --> 00:19:33,749 because there are too many twists and turns, it's also true 357 00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:37,416 that you cannot hurry through the process of grieving. 358 00:19:37,417 --> 00:19:39,882 Dr. Smeenge: One time, Bob and I were speaking somewhere 359 00:19:39,883 --> 00:19:42,216 and a man came up to us and said, “You know, 360 00:19:42,217 --> 00:19:46,082 I think I've done a lot of the behaviors and I've gotten 361 00:19:46,083 --> 00:19:48,216 through what I think I got through the goals of grief 362 00:19:48,217 --> 00:19:51,216 but you know what, I don't feel one whit better." 363 00:19:51,217 --> 00:19:54,216 And so then I asked him, like, “How long has it been 364 00:19:54,217 --> 00:19:56,982 since your wife died?" And he said three months 365 00:19:56,983 --> 00:19:58,316 and as we had a conversation, 366 00:19:58,317 --> 00:19:58,516 it turned out he was an efficiency expert. 367 00:19:58,517 --> 00:20:00,416 it turned out he was an efficiency expert. 368 00:20:00,417 --> 00:20:03,782 He was a consultant for around the country of how 369 00:20:03,783 --> 00:20:06,116 to make businesses more efficient. 370 00:20:06,117 --> 00:20:10,449 We said, you know, you can't rush it, you just can't. 371 00:20:10,450 --> 00:20:13,682 You know, I know it's agonizing and hard to do the day 372 00:20:13,683 --> 00:20:16,182 by day stuff but that's exactly what grief is. 373 00:20:16,183 --> 00:20:19,249 While we may be willing to take our time on this journey 374 00:20:19,250 --> 00:20:22,749 of grief, many of us find that there are those around us trying 375 00:20:22,750 --> 00:20:26,682 to rush us through the process so we' ll get back to normal. 376 00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:29,782 Heather: My husband had a hard time with that 'cause 377 00:20:29,783 --> 00:20:34,016 we had a small child and he wanted me to move on. 378 00:20:34,017 --> 00:20:38,316 He wanted me to focus on our life and the happiness and not 379 00:20:38,317 --> 00:20:43,317 in an abrasive way, he was coming from a place of love 380 00:20:44,283 --> 00:20:46,816 and he didn't want me to get stuck in my grief. 381 00:20:46,817 --> 00:20:51,817 The day after the day she passed, it was, you know, 382 00:20:52,450 --> 00:20:57,450 late in the evening so we came home and then the next morning, 383 00:20:57,617 --> 00:21:01,049 I could not believe that, you know, folks were looking for me 384 00:21:01,050 --> 00:21:02,082 to get out of the bed. 385 00:21:02,083 --> 00:21:03,516 And somebody looked at me one day, 386 00:21:03,517 --> 00:21:06,449 “Well why can't you just get over it? 387 00:21:06,450 --> 00:21:08,249 Why can't you just go on with your life?" 388 00:21:08,250 --> 00:21:10,682 What does that mean? 389 00:21:10,683 --> 00:21:15,683 You know, she has been my mom since day one, my love started 390 00:21:15,750 --> 00:21:18,716 since day one, she was 54-years-old. 391 00:21:18,717 --> 00:21:21,616 It hurts just like it happened yesterday. 392 00:21:21,617 --> 00:21:25,582 I had one friend that came less than a month 393 00:21:25,583 --> 00:21:30,516 after my husband died and said I know you're busy with your mom 394 00:21:30,517 --> 00:21:33,416 but we need to clean everything out of his room. 395 00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:38,417 We need to get rid of his clothes and I just stepped away 396 00:21:39,883 --> 00:21:44,883 into the bedroom and she found me silently crying into a towel. 397 00:21:46,317 --> 00:21:47,982 I was not ready. 398 00:21:47,983 --> 00:21:52,983 Zoricelis: People around you may come to you 399 00:21:54,017 --> 00:21:57,216 giving you advice on what you need to do to recover 400 00:21:57,217 --> 00:21:58,816 and how soon you should recover 401 00:21:58,817 --> 00:22:01,382 or recommendations that they offer. 402 00:22:01,383 --> 00:22:05,582 If you are not ready for those recommendations 403 00:22:05,583 --> 00:22:07,716 and you are assertive, 404 00:22:07,717 --> 00:22:10,749 then I would recommend you saying “You know what, thank you, 405 00:22:10,750 --> 00:22:13,549 thank you because you mean well. 406 00:22:13,550 --> 00:22:17,749 You want the best for me but I am not ready for that. 407 00:22:17,750 --> 00:22:21,116 I'm still in pain, I know you can see 408 00:22:21,117 --> 00:22:23,649 from the outside what may be best for me 409 00:22:23,650 --> 00:22:26,582 and that may be a good idea but right now, 410 00:22:26,583 --> 00:22:29,049 I don't feel ready for that." 411 00:22:29,050 --> 00:22:31,716 Now if you're passive and you don't dare 412 00:22:31,717 --> 00:22:35,116 to say something, just thank them. 413 00:22:35,117 --> 00:22:37,116 “Thank you for your recommendation, 414 00:22:37,117 --> 00:22:39,482 I'll think about it," and you don't have 415 00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:43,149 to do what they're recommending if you're not ready. 416 00:22:43,150 --> 00:22:46,216 Remember that your grieving is personal and you go 417 00:22:46,217 --> 00:22:50,782 through your own timing and pace but thank them 418 00:22:50,783 --> 00:22:53,549 because they mean well and you want them 419 00:22:53,550 --> 00:22:55,530 to love you and support you. 420 00:22:56,950 --> 00:23:00,349 I think that people, you know, have a hard time 421 00:23:00,350 --> 00:23:02,316 because they don't understand what to say. 422 00:23:02,317 --> 00:23:07,016 Female Narrator: Christina, whose sister died from cancer, was struggling 423 00:23:07,017 --> 00:23:10,182 to communicate to her friends and family how best to help her 424 00:23:10,183 --> 00:23:13,949 so Christina wrote a grief letter. 425 00:23:13,950 --> 00:23:17,216 Christina: My grief letter directed to my coworkers 426 00:23:17,217 --> 00:23:22,149 and my boss was sent via email 427 00:23:22,150 --> 00:23:25,716 and I wrote a letter to my husband. 428 00:23:25,717 --> 00:23:29,782 Female Narrator: Christina quickly saw the benefits of writing 429 00:23:29,783 --> 00:23:31,416 and sharing the letter. 430 00:23:31,417 --> 00:23:36,216 Christina: It was an excellent idea for me to write the grief letter 431 00:23:36,217 --> 00:23:41,217 because it made the entire communication with my friends, 432 00:23:44,550 --> 00:23:49,550 my family, my coworkers better because they understood how 433 00:23:49,817 --> 00:23:52,149 to help me and that's what they wanted to do. 434 00:23:52,150 --> 00:23:53,916 They just wanted to help. 435 00:23:53,917 --> 00:23:57,549 Female Narrator: The letter also helped her husband Steve have a better idea 436 00:23:57,550 --> 00:23:59,216 of how to care for Christina. 437 00:23:59,217 --> 00:24:02,116 Christina: My husband is very sweet and he would come and just want 438 00:24:02,117 --> 00:24:05,649 to hug me but that would make me cry more 439 00:24:05,650 --> 00:24:10,650 and so eventually I got tired of crying and I wanted to try to, 440 00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:14,016 you know, put it out of my mind for a minute 441 00:24:14,017 --> 00:24:17,949 and so I let him know that sometimes if I needed to, 442 00:24:17,950 --> 00:24:20,682 you know, turn away from a hug or just have a minute 443 00:24:20,683 --> 00:24:25,349 by myself that, you know, it was not directed to him personally 444 00:24:25,350 --> 00:24:27,616 but that this was something that I needed to walk 445 00:24:27,617 --> 00:24:32,617 through by myself because of my relationship with my sister. 446 00:24:33,717 --> 00:24:37,982 He, you know, received it well. 447 00:24:37,983 --> 00:24:42,449 I think that, you know, he would have preferred for me to want 448 00:24:42,450 --> 00:24:44,982 to spend a lot of time with him during that time 449 00:24:44,983 --> 00:24:49,983 because that's his love language but he respected my request 450 00:24:50,750 --> 00:24:55,256 to just take some time to process my grief by myself. 451 00:24:56,217 --> 00:24:58,516 David: Grief letters help people understand what you need as you grieve. 452 00:24:58,517 --> 00:25:00,782 David: Grief letters help people understand what you need as you grieve. 453 00:25:00,783 --> 00:25:04,382 For more information on how to write and distribute one, 454 00:25:04,383 --> 00:25:07,249 see the end of this week's note-taking section 455 00:25:07,250 --> 00:25:09,216 in your GriefShare workbook. 456 00:25:09,217 --> 00:25:12,216 Sometimes when you take a walk in dense woods, 457 00:25:12,217 --> 00:25:15,349 it's easy to get disoriented and lost. 458 00:25:15,350 --> 00:25:16,682 When you are grieving. 459 00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:19,049 You may sometimes experience emotions 460 00:25:19,050 --> 00:25:21,149 that can disorient you as well. 461 00:25:21,150 --> 00:25:25,349 For example, you may find yourself feeling relief and joy 462 00:25:25,350 --> 00:25:27,382 in the middle of your grief. 463 00:25:27,383 --> 00:25:30,383 I did feel some relief after my mom passed away. 464 00:25:30,384 --> 00:25:32,282 I woke up one morning and I realized I didn't have 465 00:25:32,283 --> 00:25:34,082 to do all the things I was doing, had been doing 466 00:25:34,083 --> 00:25:39,083 for my wife and I felt relieved but then, 467 00:25:39,350 --> 00:25:41,316 shortly after that, I started feeling guilty 468 00:25:41,317 --> 00:25:42,549 about being relieved. 469 00:25:42,550 --> 00:25:45,016 I mean it's almost, “Wow, I'm glad she's gone," and that wasn't it, 470 00:25:45,017 --> 00:25:47,482 I was just glad to have the load lifted off my shoulders, 471 00:25:47,483 --> 00:25:48,982 I wasn't glad she was gone. 472 00:25:48,983 --> 00:25:51,316 I was tired of seeing her suffer and I just prayed, “Lord, 473 00:25:51,317 --> 00:25:54,416 please take her," because I knew she was going to heaven. 474 00:25:54,417 --> 00:25:56,382 It was a relief that she didn't have to go 475 00:25:56,383 --> 00:26:01,316 through anymore; that was the relief part that now she was 476 00:26:01,317 --> 00:26:06,317 in a peaceful place, that one day I would see her again and it will be well. 477 00:26:10,517 --> 00:26:13,583 Another disorienting aspect of grief is 478 00:26:13,584 --> 00:26:17,216 that it often gets worse before it gets better. 479 00:26:17,217 --> 00:26:19,182 Donna: My intense grief came 480 00:26:19,183 --> 00:26:21,749 about three months after he passed away. 481 00:26:21,750 --> 00:26:25,516 It's kind of like when reality really set in and, “Oh, 482 00:26:25,517 --> 00:26:27,316 he is not coming back." 483 00:26:27,317 --> 00:26:30,116 He has not gone on a vacation, he's not coming back. 484 00:26:30,117 --> 00:26:31,549 I think my first year 485 00:26:31,550 --> 00:26:36,550 of grief was everything was just new to me 486 00:26:38,050 --> 00:26:39,882 and didn't all make sense. 487 00:26:39,883 --> 00:26:43,682 I was just kind of in this fog and it wasn't 488 00:26:43,683 --> 00:26:46,616 until really the second year that I felt 489 00:26:46,617 --> 00:26:51,382 like this depression hit and this realization 490 00:26:51,383 --> 00:26:56,383 that he's not coming back and it was a struggle 491 00:26:56,583 --> 00:26:59,182 and anxiety about everything. 492 00:26:59,183 --> 00:27:02,349 In a lot of ways, the second year is worse. 493 00:27:02,350 --> 00:27:05,382 Because the numbness of the first year has worn off 494 00:27:05,383 --> 00:27:06,849 and so you go through this pain 495 00:27:06,850 --> 00:27:10,849 but then you start taking steps moving forward and the grief 496 00:27:10,850 --> 00:27:14,049 that was this big is now maybe like this 497 00:27:14,050 --> 00:27:15,649 and then shrinks a little more, 498 00:27:15,650 --> 00:27:17,649 shrinks a little more, then it expands. 499 00:27:17,650 --> 00:27:19,716 It's heavy in a whole new way. 500 00:27:19,717 --> 00:27:23,549 I remember calling my sister and I was hysterical 501 00:27:23,550 --> 00:27:25,583 and told her, “Renee, he's not coming back. 502 00:27:25,584 --> 00:27:27,749 He's not coming back, he's not coming back." lust screaming 503 00:27:27,750 --> 00:27:29,110 in the phone he's not coming back. 504 00:27:30,217 --> 00:27:35,217 [Music] 505 00:27:42,117 --> 00:27:45,349 I think the thing that really surprised me the most is 506 00:27:45,350 --> 00:27:46,749 the ambush business. 507 00:27:46,750 --> 00:27:50,349 David: Have you ever been ambushed by your grief? 508 00:27:50,350 --> 00:27:54,149 Nancy: An ambush of grief is a situation in which something 509 00:27:54,150 --> 00:27:58,182 an event, a person, a place, a smell, 510 00:27:58,183 --> 00:28:01,349 almost anything you can think of triggers a memory 511 00:28:01,350 --> 00:28:04,582 of your loved one, which leads to an emotional reaction. 512 00:28:04,583 --> 00:28:07,083 You may feel like you're getting better 513 00:28:07,084 --> 00:28:09,949 and things are going on, life it's getting back to normal 514 00:28:09,950 --> 00:28:12,482 and then all of a sudden, you may smell something 515 00:28:12,483 --> 00:28:15,682 fresh baked bread and it can take you back to moments 516 00:28:15,683 --> 00:28:17,582 where you were with the person that you've lost 517 00:28:17,583 --> 00:28:20,582 and you can be overwhelmed with feelings of emotions. 518 00:28:20,583 --> 00:28:23,249 You're in the grocery store and you're looking at a jar 519 00:28:23,250 --> 00:28:26,016 of pickles that your husband loved 520 00:28:26,017 --> 00:28:29,282 and you realize you never have to buy that jar again 521 00:28:29,283 --> 00:28:30,882 and you just start bawling. 522 00:28:30,883 --> 00:28:34,383 I went out to eat one day and this elderly couple come 523 00:28:34,384 --> 00:28:36,416 down the sidewalk hand in hand, 524 00:28:36,417 --> 00:28:37,316 well the only thing I could think 525 00:28:37,317 --> 00:28:38,782 of that was supposed to have been us. 526 00:28:38,783 --> 00:28:42,682 There was Christmas Eve a few years back and somebody got up 527 00:28:42,683 --> 00:28:45,182 and sang “I'll be Home for Christmas" 528 00:28:45,183 --> 00:28:49,282 and it really just -- it threw me. 529 00:28:49,283 --> 00:28:54,283 I went to get a driver's license, thought I was okay 530 00:28:54,617 --> 00:28:59,617 and she asked me if I'd like to be a donor. 531 00:29:00,717 --> 00:29:03,149 Well, they had asked us at the hospital 532 00:29:03,150 --> 00:29:07,516 if we would allow our daughter to be a donor and we struggled 533 00:29:07,517 --> 00:29:12,249 with it knowing she had so many physical problems but then 534 00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:15,116 at the last minute, we said yes, we signed the paper. 535 00:29:15,117 --> 00:29:17,783 Then they came and said “Well, we can't use anything." 536 00:29:17,784 --> 00:29:20,282 And that hurt me so terribly. 537 00:29:20,283 --> 00:29:23,816 And when I was at the driver's license office, 538 00:29:23,817 --> 00:29:25,516 the woman said would -- 539 00:29:25,517 --> 00:29:30,517 I hesitated and then I said yes and then it hit me. 540 00:29:31,117 --> 00:29:32,616 I didn't want them to have mine 541 00:29:32,617 --> 00:29:36,316 if our daughter's wasn't good enough either 542 00:29:36,317 --> 00:29:38,549 but I went ahead and said yes. 543 00:29:38,550 --> 00:29:42,589 And then it just broke all over, I just cried so hard. 544 00:29:43,550 --> 00:29:48,550 [Music] 545 00:29:55,383 --> 00:29:58,016 Some grieving people fear being around others 546 00:29:58,017 --> 00:29:59,216 Some grieving people fear being around others 547 00:29:59,217 --> 00:30:02,849 because they're not certain who or what will trigger an ambush. 548 00:30:02,850 --> 00:30:06,649 But isolating yourself isn't going to help you make progress 549 00:30:06,650 --> 00:30:10,216 on the journey of grief, that's why you need to think 550 00:30:10,217 --> 00:30:13,383 through how you will respond to a grief ambush. 551 00:30:13,384 --> 00:30:15,716 We do fire drills with children in schools 552 00:30:15,717 --> 00:30:19,216 and other places so that when that moment comes 553 00:30:19,217 --> 00:30:23,949 and it is unexpected that their instincts are trained, 554 00:30:23,950 --> 00:30:26,583 this is where the nearest exit is and this is where we need 555 00:30:26,584 --> 00:30:31,584 to go and so in that moment of unpredictable hard time, 556 00:30:32,183 --> 00:30:36,183 do I have a phrase where I can say to someone this is hard 557 00:30:36,184 --> 00:30:37,516 for me, I think I need a moment. 558 00:30:37,517 --> 00:30:39,849 I need to excuse myself. 559 00:30:39,850 --> 00:30:43,182 Do I have a few friends that I've said if something just pops 560 00:30:43,183 --> 00:30:46,849 up on me, can I call you? 561 00:30:46,850 --> 00:30:51,649 Do we have some places in scripture that we can go 562 00:30:51,650 --> 00:30:54,916 to seek comfort that just reminds us that God cares 563 00:30:54,917 --> 00:30:57,816 and He understands and He can relate to this experience. 564 00:30:57,817 --> 00:31:00,183 And if you feel emotion, it's okay to cry 565 00:31:00,184 --> 00:31:02,949 and if you feel laughter, it's okay to laugh out loud 566 00:31:02,950 --> 00:31:06,549 and the people around you may be clueless as to what's going on. 567 00:31:06,550 --> 00:31:08,649 And so it may feel a little awkward 568 00:31:08,650 --> 00:31:10,282 but it's a private moment. 569 00:31:10,283 --> 00:31:11,916 And so the question is, 570 00:31:11,917 --> 00:31:15,949 is not so much what do I do, as if I need a detailed itinerary 571 00:31:15,950 --> 00:31:18,149 for every possibility that could happen 572 00:31:18,150 --> 00:31:22,816 in an unpredictable hard time of grief but do I have a sense 573 00:31:22,817 --> 00:31:25,016 of where I'm going to run in that moment 574 00:31:25,017 --> 00:31:29,049 so that I don't feel stranded and alone when those times come. 575 00:31:29,050 --> 00:31:32,283 The journey you're on right now can be painful. 576 00:31:32,284 --> 00:31:35,616 There will be countless things, parties, anniversaries, 577 00:31:35,617 --> 00:31:39,682 holidays, church services that you do for the first time 578 00:31:39,683 --> 00:31:41,216 without your loved one. 579 00:31:41,217 --> 00:31:43,649 When those events come around, it makes sense 580 00:31:43,650 --> 00:31:46,749 that you'll be looking for a way to comfort yourself 581 00:31:46,750 --> 00:31:50,682 but it's important that you choose wise ways of finding relief. 582 00:31:50,683 --> 00:31:54,016 Some of the things people use to feel better only end 583 00:31:54,017 --> 00:31:55,883 up adding to their pain. 584 00:31:55,884 --> 00:31:57,749 Sabrina: I mean there are lots of things that we do 585 00:31:57,750 --> 00:32:00,382 to make ourselves feel better just because we don't want 586 00:32:00,383 --> 00:32:01,382 to experience the pain. 587 00:32:01,383 --> 00:32:06,383 I probably shopped too much. 588 00:32:06,483 --> 00:32:10,049 I was using the alcohol as a Band-Aid. 589 00:32:10,050 --> 00:32:12,382 It just seemed like some people get comforted different 590 00:32:12,383 --> 00:32:14,782 ways, you know, like they drink or take drugs or whatever. 591 00:32:14,783 --> 00:32:17,182 I got comforted with food. 592 00:32:17,183 --> 00:32:22,183 If I wanted to cry, usually I didn't if I was drinking. 593 00:32:22,350 --> 00:32:25,716 Numbing pain is, in the long run, ineffective, you know, 594 00:32:25,717 --> 00:32:28,516 the alcohol wears off, the pills wear off, 595 00:32:28,517 --> 00:32:30,416 shopping, the bills come due. 596 00:32:30,417 --> 00:32:35,316 But the grief doesn't go away, the loss is still going 597 00:32:35,317 --> 00:32:39,616 to be there and the grief is going to be waiting for you 598 00:32:39,617 --> 00:32:44,617 after you've eaten a half gallon of ice cream or drank a fifth 599 00:32:45,417 --> 00:32:48,983 or done something else but you will have added a layer 600 00:32:48,984 --> 00:32:52,682 of problems that impairs your ability 601 00:32:52,683 --> 00:32:57,683 to face your first problem and has added problems of its own 602 00:32:58,150 --> 00:33:02,816 so you're just compounding your problems while you're 603 00:33:02,817 --> 00:33:05,916 compromising your ability to deal with any of them. 604 00:33:05,917 --> 00:33:09,516 I was getting into other problems when drinking 605 00:33:09,517 --> 00:33:14,517 like fighting, saying mean things to people, 606 00:33:17,183 --> 00:33:20,316 doing whatever I felt like doing and I would have 607 00:33:20,317 --> 00:33:23,282 to pay the consequences later so I'm like what's the point 608 00:33:23,283 --> 00:33:26,749 of having alcohol if I'm still going to hurt? 609 00:33:26,750 --> 00:33:31,750 [Music] 610 00:33:47,717 --> 00:33:51,982 Female Narrator: Years before Cindy became a Christian, 611 00:33:51,983 --> 00:33:56,716 she had a cocaine habit. 612 00:33:56,717 --> 00:34:01,717 After her fiance David died in a workplace accident, 613 00:34:01,917 --> 00:34:03,849 her friends and family worried 614 00:34:03,850 --> 00:34:06,916 about how she would cope with her loss. 615 00:34:06,917 --> 00:34:09,049 Cindy: So, now fast forward and I call this man 616 00:34:09,050 --> 00:34:13,449 and say I need some drugs and he said, “Cindy, 617 00:34:13,450 --> 00:34:15,216 I thought you were some kind of Jesus girl now, 618 00:34:15,217 --> 00:34:16,449 like I'm not selling to you." 619 00:34:16,450 --> 00:34:20,449 And I said, "Hey, what are you talking about Jesus, 620 00:34:20,450 --> 00:34:23,816 like I've got cash, you've got drugs and this is how it works, 621 00:34:23,817 --> 00:34:25,749 like I buy drugs from you." 622 00:34:25,750 --> 00:34:29,049 Female Narrator: What Cindy didn't know is that her father had spoken 623 00:34:29,050 --> 00:34:30,882 to the local drug dealers. 624 00:34:30,883 --> 00:34:34,082 He threatened to kill anyone who sold drugs to her. 625 00:34:34,083 --> 00:34:36,449 [If I ever find out that you've been selling her drugs, 626 00:34:36,450 --> 00:34:37,516 I will kill you! 627 00:34:37,517 --> 00:34:38,316 Whoa!] 628 00:34:38,317 --> 00:34:41,949 Cindy: And he said, “Cindy, your dad was not kidding. 629 00:34:41,950 --> 00:34:46,016 He would kill the person that sold drugs to his daughter; 630 00:34:46,017 --> 00:34:48,116 that's not going to be me." 631 00:34:48,117 --> 00:34:51,649 Female Narrator: Then the drug dealer gave Cindy some good 632 00:34:51,650 --> 00:34:53,783 but unexpected advice. 633 00:34:53,784 --> 00:34:55,716 Cindy: And then he said something like, “You need to get 634 00:34:55,717 --> 00:34:57,516 down on your knees right now and pray and ask God to help you." 635 00:34:57,517 --> 00:34:58,883 down on your knees right now and pray and ask God to help you." 636 00:34:58,884 --> 00:35:01,049 And I'm like, “You are a drug dealer. 637 00:35:01,050 --> 00:35:04,583 What are you doing telling me to pray?" 638 00:35:04,584 --> 00:35:06,883 And so all of a sudden, then I'm determined, 639 00:35:06,884 --> 00:35:09,516 like I'm going to find some drugs so I went to walk 640 00:35:09,517 --> 00:35:12,282 out of my door and there was my girlfriend 641 00:35:12,283 --> 00:35:14,416 and she had a sleeping bag a pillow 642 00:35:14,417 --> 00:35:16,216 and a bag filled with her pajamas. 643 00:35:16,217 --> 00:35:19,216 And she said the craziest thing, “I was just praying 644 00:35:19,217 --> 00:35:21,416 and God said you need to go spend the night with Cindy." 645 00:35:21,417 --> 00:35:25,216 Female Narrator: Cindy is thankful that God sent her friend to stay 646 00:35:25,217 --> 00:35:26,483 with her that evening. 647 00:35:26,484 --> 00:35:30,716 She is also thankful that since then, she hasn't experienced 648 00:35:30,717 --> 00:35:33,383 such intense cravings for drugs. 649 00:35:33,384 --> 00:35:35,449 You may not be tempted to use cocaine 650 00:35:35,450 --> 00:35:38,216 but you'll certainly be tempted to comfort yourself 651 00:35:38,217 --> 00:35:41,382 in unhealthy ways so how can you resist? 652 00:35:41,383 --> 00:35:46,383 First, remember that unhealthy forms of comfort don't help you; 653 00:35:46,484 --> 00:35:49,449 they postpone your healing and reduce your ability 654 00:35:49,450 --> 00:35:51,249 to handle your circumstances. 655 00:35:51,250 --> 00:35:53,949 Second, let others know how you're tempted 656 00:35:53,950 --> 00:35:56,149 to medicate the pain of your grief. 657 00:35:56,150 --> 00:35:59,816 Ask them to hold you accountable to make wise choices. 658 00:35:59,817 --> 00:36:04,616 Third, develop the habit of going to God in prayer 659 00:36:04,617 --> 00:36:07,483 and reading His word when you feel overwhelmed 660 00:36:07,484 --> 00:36:11,349 with grief. Developing this habit takes time 661 00:36:11,350 --> 00:36:15,992 but it will lay a solid foundation for your healing. 662 00:36:16,817 --> 00:36:18,383 You may be wondering, 663 00:36:18,384 --> 00:36:21,616 how long will this journey of grief last? 664 00:36:21,617 --> 00:36:23,816 Perhaps you're tired of grieving 665 00:36:23,817 --> 00:36:27,849 and even though you love your former spouse, parent, sibling 666 00:36:27,850 --> 00:36:30,183 or child you know that you can't go 667 00:36:30,184 --> 00:36:32,683 on feeling this much pain forever. 668 00:36:32,684 --> 00:36:37,684 H. Norman: Many times I'm asked how long is my grief going to last and my response is, 669 00:36:38,150 --> 00:36:42,016 “I wish I could give you a definite time but I can't." 670 00:36:42,017 --> 00:36:44,316 I don't think in terms of grief as weeks or months, 671 00:36:44,317 --> 00:36:46,449 I think of it in terms of years. 672 00:36:46,450 --> 00:36:49,749 For example, with a death of a child, it often takes from 5 673 00:36:49,750 --> 00:36:51,382 to 10 years to stabilize. 674 00:36:51,383 --> 00:36:55,749 Some used to write and say “Well, if it was a death 675 00:36:55,750 --> 00:36:58,249 by natural causes, it will take about two years, 676 00:36:58,250 --> 00:37:03,216 that's approximately but we know that in the first year, the -- 677 00:37:03,217 --> 00:37:05,416 at three months, it will intensify usually. 678 00:37:05,417 --> 00:37:08,216 At one year, the one year anniversary, it can intensity, 679 00:37:08,217 --> 00:37:10,749 then all of the other significant holidays 680 00:37:10,750 --> 00:37:14,383 or important events will be triggers as well but we do talk 681 00:37:14,384 --> 00:37:19,249 about it in terms of years and so it is a difficult journey 682 00:37:19,250 --> 00:37:21,049 and we are people that like to be in control. 683 00:37:21,050 --> 00:37:22,783 We want things over immediately. 684 00:37:22,784 --> 00:37:25,749 It does not work that way when it comes to grief. 685 00:37:25,750 --> 00:37:28,516 After I had been widowed for a while and was 686 00:37:28,517 --> 00:37:29,816 at church one Sunday, 687 00:37:29,817 --> 00:37:32,816 some people from what they called themselves the widowed 688 00:37:32,817 --> 00:37:36,816 group came up to greet me and said, 689 00:37:36,817 --> 00:37:39,883 “Well, welcome to our widowed society." 690 00:37:39,884 --> 00:37:41,683 And I said, “Well, what does that mean?" 691 00:37:41,684 --> 00:37:45,416 And she said, “Well, you know, I want you to know as a widow, 692 00:37:45,417 --> 00:37:49,983 you'll never really be that happy again or feel very good 693 00:37:49,984 --> 00:37:51,895 but it will get better." 694 00:37:53,050 --> 00:37:55,883 I really wanted to heal, 695 00:37:55,884 --> 00:37:58,549 now I don't believe the grief journey has to be 696 00:37:58,550 --> 00:38:02,182 like some people may choose or think that they have 697 00:38:02,183 --> 00:38:04,583 to experience it where it gets a little better 698 00:38:04,584 --> 00:38:07,183 but I'm always going to be grieving. 699 00:38:07,184 --> 00:38:09,283 I'm always going to feel pretty bad 700 00:38:09,284 --> 00:38:11,916 because this loved one isn't here. 701 00:38:11,917 --> 00:38:14,849 In my thinking, grief is a journey, you know, 702 00:38:14,850 --> 00:38:17,549 we start out on the main stream and somebody 703 00:38:17,550 --> 00:38:19,883 who we love dearly dies 704 00:38:19,884 --> 00:38:23,883 and we experience this intense devastating loss and so 705 00:38:23,884 --> 00:38:27,983 without asking for it, we're immediately stuck on a detour 706 00:38:27,984 --> 00:38:30,682 as we go on this grief journey. 707 00:38:30,683 --> 00:38:33,283 But I don't know of any detour that lasts forever. 708 00:38:33,284 --> 00:38:37,416 Eventually we get back into the mainstream again 709 00:38:37,417 --> 00:38:40,049 and that's my concept of the grief journey. 710 00:38:40,050 --> 00:38:44,283 It's a journey that we really have to go on if we want to heal 711 00:38:44,284 --> 00:38:48,916 but that there is the other side of grief where God, 712 00:38:48,917 --> 00:38:52,716 through His mercy and healing power, does heal us 713 00:38:52,717 --> 00:38:55,616 with our help and work in that process. 714 00:38:55,617 --> 00:39:00,617 And so I guess eventually I went back to this woman and did say 715 00:39:01,083 --> 00:39:05,049 to her, you know, “I'm feeling a whole lot better but I had 716 00:39:05,050 --> 00:39:08,316 to do a whole lot of hard work to get there 717 00:39:08,317 --> 00:39:11,516 but I guess I would say I'm no longer grieving." 718 00:39:11,517 --> 00:39:13,583 Female Narrator: You've just heard Dr. Smeenge say 719 00:39:13,584 --> 00:39:16,816 that she's not grieving anymore but does that mean 720 00:39:16,817 --> 00:39:18,183 that you can reach the point 721 00:39:18,184 --> 00:39:20,683 that you aren't affected by your loss? 722 00:39:20,684 --> 00:39:23,883 Although there will always be a sense of sadness when you think 723 00:39:23,884 --> 00:39:28,249 about your loved one's death, H. Norman Wright says that 724 00:39:28,250 --> 00:39:30,016 “As you heal, you'll begin 725 00:39:30,017 --> 00:39:32,816 to remember your loved ones differently." 726 00:39:32,817 --> 00:39:33,916 H. Norman: There's two types of remembering, 727 00:39:33,917 --> 00:39:37,916 there's emotional remembering, where we remember the loved one 728 00:39:37,917 --> 00:39:41,116 and the feelings and the emotions come to the surface 729 00:39:41,117 --> 00:39:44,216 and eventually, probably in terms of years, 730 00:39:44,217 --> 00:39:44,883 we come to the place 731 00:39:44,884 --> 00:39:48,349 where there's a historical remembering. 732 00:39:48,350 --> 00:39:51,783 Yes, that was the person in my life 733 00:39:51,784 --> 00:39:56,149 but the emotions are not there like they were before. 734 00:39:56,150 --> 00:39:57,516 Female Narrator: Even Dr. Smeenge says “That as you heal from your loss 735 00:39:57,517 --> 00:40:00,116 Female Narrator: Even Dr. Smeenge says “That as you heal from your loss 736 00:40:00,117 --> 00:40:02,916 or stop grieving there will still be times 737 00:40:02,917 --> 00:40:04,416 when you revisit your sadness." 738 00:40:04,417 --> 00:40:09,417 Dr. Smeenge: It's like high school, college graduation, “Okay I did it, 739 00:40:09,750 --> 00:40:11,516 I got through the grief journey, 740 00:40:11,517 --> 00:40:14,816 I think I've completed it." But that doesn't ever mean 741 00:40:14,817 --> 00:40:18,149 that we forget our college or our high school. 742 00:40:18,150 --> 00:40:20,483 We go back even for reunions 743 00:40:20,484 --> 00:40:23,816 and maybe those momentary sadnesses could be we're going 744 00:40:23,817 --> 00:40:27,216 back for reunions, we remember the way that it was 745 00:40:27,217 --> 00:40:30,349 and maybe how it would have been if these people were 746 00:40:30,350 --> 00:40:31,549 in our lives even now. 747 00:40:31,550 --> 00:40:36,550 But we're still not grieving that, we're just sad 748 00:40:36,884 --> 00:40:39,383 or have some poignant memories. 749 00:40:39,384 --> 00:40:42,716 Female Narrator: So when you hear people say they've healed from grief 750 00:40:42,717 --> 00:40:45,382 or that they're no longer grieving, it doesn't mean 751 00:40:45,383 --> 00:40:49,049 that they are pain free or that they've forgotten and moved on. 752 00:40:49,050 --> 00:40:54,056 It simply means that they no longer feel intense pain and sorrow. 753 00:40:54,584 --> 00:40:59,482 Male Narrator: When Susan's mother died, she felt like she was alone. 754 00:40:59,483 --> 00:41:01,883 Learn how she coped with the void created 755 00:41:01,884 --> 00:41:05,083 by her mother's death in this week's From Mourning 756 00:41:05,084 --> 00:41:08,554 to joy exercises in your GriefShare workbook. 757 00:41:09,083 --> 00:41:12,816 In the next session of GriefShare, you'll discover more 758 00:41:12,817 --> 00:41:15,849 about what's ahead on you journey of grief. 759 00:41:15,850 --> 00:41:19,583 Amy: I was afraid the pain would open a door to something 760 00:41:19,584 --> 00:41:20,649 that I couldn't handle. 761 00:41:20,650 --> 00:41:25,650 What do I do with the things that we have here in the house 762 00:41:27,450 --> 00:41:29,783 that belonged to our loved one? 763 00:41:29,784 --> 00:41:33,288 And we often wonder am I doing grief right. 764 00:41:34,117 --> 00:41:35,883 Thanks for joining us. 765 00:41:35,884 --> 00:41:37,921 We' ll see you for the next session.