1 00:00:04,117 --> 00:00:07,816 Nancy: Losing a loved one feels like losing an arm 2 00:00:07,817 --> 00:00:09,782 or like losing a part of yourself. 3 00:00:09,783 --> 00:00:12,282 It's a traumatic experience. 4 00:00:12,283 --> 00:00:14,816 David: Thankfully, in the days following your loss, 5 00:00:14,817 --> 00:00:18,282 you're surrounded by friends and family to help you, 6 00:00:18,283 --> 00:00:19,516 and during that time, 7 00:00:19,517 --> 00:00:22,116 you're often feeling numb and disconnected. 8 00:00:22,117 --> 00:00:26,182 It's as if God has designed our bodies to limit the amount 9 00:00:26,183 --> 00:00:28,416 of pain we can tolerate at one time. 10 00:00:28,417 --> 00:00:31,416 Nancy: But soon after the funeral, your family 11 00:00:31,417 --> 00:00:33,682 and friends pack up and go home. 12 00:00:33,683 --> 00:00:36,416 And you're left, figuratively speaking, without an arm, 13 00:00:36,417 --> 00:00:40,149 trying to figure out how to function without a crucial piece 14 00:00:40,150 --> 00:00:42,416 of your life, a crucial person in your life. 15 00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:46,716 And that's why we're here in a physical therapist's office. 16 00:00:46,717 --> 00:00:50,616 After the initial trauma of losing an arm is over, 17 00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:52,016 a person no longer needs 18 00:00:52,017 --> 00:00:55,016 to be constantly supervised by a doctor. 19 00:00:55,017 --> 00:00:58,882 However, he or she still needs help adjusting to life 20 00:00:58,883 --> 00:01:02,916 without a limb. Even the simplest things, like driving 21 00:01:02,917 --> 00:01:06,349 or getting milk out of the refrigerator become much more 22 00:01:06,350 --> 00:01:09,016 challenging when you only have one arm. 23 00:01:09,017 --> 00:01:11,082 Nancy: And in a similar way, 24 00:01:11,083 --> 00:01:14,349 things have gotten a lot more challenging for you. 25 00:01:14,350 --> 00:01:18,116 Going to bed alone or not having a child to wake you 26 00:01:18,117 --> 00:01:20,582 up each morning takes some getting used to, 27 00:01:20,583 --> 00:01:24,082 and there are many other emotional, spiritual, 28 00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:27,416 and physical challenges that death brings into our lives. 29 00:01:27,417 --> 00:01:30,616 So you need some help learning how to live 30 00:01:30,617 --> 00:01:32,216 without your loved one. 31 00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,282 Your GriefShare group is a place 32 00:01:34,283 --> 00:01:36,116 where you can find the help you need 33 00:01:36,117 --> 00:01:38,582 to make the needed adjustments to your life. 34 00:01:38,583 --> 00:01:41,582 So, today, were going to present some 35 00:01:41,583 --> 00:01:44,116 of the most common challenges you'll face 36 00:01:44,117 --> 00:01:46,316 after the death of a loved one. 37 00:01:46,317 --> 00:01:49,482 We'll explain how you can apply the concepts you learn here 38 00:01:49,483 --> 00:01:53,082 in GriefShare to help you deal with some of those challenges. 39 00:01:53,083 --> 00:01:56,916 Some of the things you'll learn can be used right away; 40 00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:59,716 others will be helpful down the road. 41 00:01:59,717 --> 00:02:01,582 Hopefully, as you become familiar 42 00:02:01,583 --> 00:02:02,882 with these common challenges, 43 00:02:02,883 --> 00:02:06,482 you'll stop thinking you're grieving abnormally, 44 00:02:06,483 --> 00:02:08,249 you'll be more comfortable seeking help, 45 00:02:08,250 --> 00:02:11,616 and you'll be more patient with yourself as you heal 46 00:02:11,617 --> 00:02:14,116 from the pain of your loved one's death. 47 00:02:14,117 --> 00:02:15,816 Welcome to GriefShare. 48 00:02:15,817 --> 00:02:20,817 [Music] 49 00:02:30,883 --> 00:02:34,682 Since your loss, you may not enjoy life anymore. 50 00:02:34,683 --> 00:02:38,249 This is another common reaction to the death of a loved one. 51 00:02:38,250 --> 00:02:40,616 Bernard: I lost interest in doing things. 52 00:02:40,617 --> 00:02:43,116 I was just going through the motions of 53 00:02:43,117 --> 00:02:46,149 living from day-to-day, but I couldn't focus 54 00:02:46,150 --> 00:02:48,516 and I was constantly distracted. 55 00:02:48,517 --> 00:02:50,616 The typical things that I enjoyed doing, 56 00:02:50,617 --> 00:02:55,316 like going to movies or watching videos at home, 57 00:02:55,317 --> 00:02:58,582 I had no real interest in doing any of those things. 58 00:02:58,583 --> 00:03:03,049 I think when my father died, I would have periods 59 00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:05,782 of just really tired and be exhausted. 60 00:03:05,783 --> 00:03:08,616 I stopped talking to people, kind of shut down, 61 00:03:08,617 --> 00:03:12,182 wouldn't return phone calls, you know, hobbies I had, you know, 62 00:03:12,183 --> 00:03:14,549 exercise I used to do, I just kind of stayed in the house. 63 00:03:14,550 --> 00:03:15,716 I remember everything 64 00:03:15,717 --> 00:03:17,682 feeling like it was going in slow motion. 65 00:03:17,683 --> 00:03:20,149 My son and I, we'd go to play dates with other moms 66 00:03:20,150 --> 00:03:24,149 with young children, and it's a very happy environment, 67 00:03:24,150 --> 00:03:27,616 young children playing and I can just remember just looking 68 00:03:27,617 --> 00:03:30,149 and being like, and thinking to myself, 69 00:03:30,150 --> 00:03:31,849 why am I here doing this? 70 00:03:31,850 --> 00:03:36,349 When I used to go to the clubs and party and everything, 71 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:39,716 I like, well I liked to dance anyway, 72 00:03:39,717 --> 00:03:43,649 that's the main reason I go, now, 73 00:03:43,650 --> 00:03:45,149 it's not fun for me anymore. 74 00:03:45,150 --> 00:03:48,949 Like, I'm there physically, but I'm not there. 75 00:03:48,950 --> 00:03:50,982 I just don't feel like doing anything. 76 00:03:50,983 --> 00:03:55,983 Some of my habits have changed as far as me getting up, 77 00:03:56,083 --> 00:03:57,582 getting a shower every day. 78 00:03:57,583 --> 00:04:01,082 It's not really that important if I'm not going anywhere. 79 00:04:01,083 --> 00:04:06,083 It was probably the first 3, 4 months, there was no hope. 80 00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:07,449 I couldn't sleep. 81 00:04:07,450 --> 00:04:09,182 I had to be told to eat stuff. 82 00:04:09,183 --> 00:04:12,416 I had like, I was going on autopilot. 83 00:04:12,417 --> 00:04:15,182 And then I think the thing that really drove the point home 84 00:04:15,183 --> 00:04:19,616 for me was that I typically read about 3 newspapers a day, 85 00:04:19,617 --> 00:04:23,416 and I was noticing that the newspapers were starting 86 00:04:23,417 --> 00:04:27,749 to stack up, and some were in the plastic bags unopened, 87 00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:30,582 and I knew then that I needed to get someone 88 00:04:30,583 --> 00:04:32,016 to help me fix Bernard. 89 00:04:32,017 --> 00:04:34,849 There's a cartoon that I like of a grieving person laying 90 00:04:34,850 --> 00:04:39,749 in bed that's reading the book, “How To Get Up and Get Dressed," 91 00:04:39,750 --> 00:04:42,516 because that's often how grieving people feel, 92 00:04:42,517 --> 00:04:44,382 like I just don't have the energy, 93 00:04:44,383 --> 00:04:47,316 even though a person does nothing physically, 94 00:04:47,317 --> 00:04:50,082 a lot of times people think, I don't know why I'm so tired, 95 00:04:50,083 --> 00:04:53,782 so exhausted, but grieving, partly because part 96 00:04:53,783 --> 00:04:57,816 of it is an emotional experience is just so wearing, so fatiguing 97 00:04:57,817 --> 00:04:59,516 for people, that it feels like I've done a day's work 98 00:04:59,517 --> 00:05:00,549 for people, that it feels like I've done a day's work 99 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,716 and all I've tried to do is cope with the fact 100 00:05:02,717 --> 00:05:04,822 that my loved one died. 101 00:05:06,350 --> 00:05:09,249 It's easy to understand why you don't feel 102 00:05:09,250 --> 00:05:11,549 like doing much now that your loved one is gone. 103 00:05:11,550 --> 00:05:14,649 Over the next few weeks, well introduce you 104 00:05:14,650 --> 00:05:17,449 to others who've reinvested in life, 105 00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:19,182 and show you how they did it. 106 00:05:19,183 --> 00:05:22,982 We' ll also explain the emotional, physical, spiritual, 107 00:05:22,983 --> 00:05:26,916 and relational consequences of getting stuck in your grief. 108 00:05:26,917 --> 00:05:31,082 And finally, we' ll show you how faith in Christ and your desire 109 00:05:31,083 --> 00:05:32,816 to honor the person who died, 110 00:05:32,817 --> 00:05:35,382 provide powerful motivation to move forward. 111 00:05:35,383 --> 00:05:37,882 But some of you can't wait 112 00:05:37,883 --> 00:05:40,382 until you feel better to be productive. 113 00:05:40,383 --> 00:05:43,082 You have a job or other responsibilities 114 00:05:43,083 --> 00:05:46,216 that you can't ignore, here's some advice on how 115 00:05:46,217 --> 00:05:50,082 to get things done at work while you're dealing with grief. 116 00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:55,083 Beth: When I came back to work, which was just about 10 days 117 00:05:56,783 --> 00:06:01,783 after I, after she passed away, I was on a church staff, 118 00:06:04,483 --> 00:06:09,483 and the ministers that I worked alongside of, just said, 119 00:06:11,150 --> 00:06:15,516 “Oh Beth, we're just so thrilled you're back, that we've got, 120 00:06:15,517 --> 00:06:19,416 we've got to do this, we've got to do that, 121 00:06:19,417 --> 00:06:20,849 we've got to plan this conference, 122 00:06:20,850 --> 00:06:22,682 we've got to plan this conference, 123 00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:25,782 we need you to take this over." Dada, dada, da. 124 00:06:25,783 --> 00:06:30,783 And I wanted to say, “My mother just died." 125 00:06:32,283 --> 00:06:34,582 I really respect people who are grieving 126 00:06:34,583 --> 00:06:36,849 and must go into the workplace. 127 00:06:36,850 --> 00:06:38,649 It is hard to focus. 128 00:06:38,650 --> 00:06:41,182 It is hard to do, in the first weeks, 129 00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:42,982 it's hard to do anything, but breathe. 130 00:06:42,983 --> 00:06:45,682 When you have to go back to work, if it's all possible, 131 00:06:45,683 --> 00:06:48,782 decrease whatever responsibilities you can, 132 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:53,782 and if not, recognize that even in the initial days 133 00:06:53,783 --> 00:06:56,382 after the loved one's death, 134 00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:58,516 you were still setting aside your grief 135 00:06:58,517 --> 00:07:00,682 to accomplish various tasks, 136 00:07:00,683 --> 00:07:02,616 because there are certain things that you have to do. 137 00:07:02,617 --> 00:07:06,216 You have to plan a funeral, you have to write an obituary, 138 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:08,282 you still have to function. 139 00:07:08,283 --> 00:07:11,382 That's the mindset, really, on a practical level that you have 140 00:07:11,383 --> 00:07:13,616 to take with you when you go back to work. 141 00:07:13,617 --> 00:07:18,617 If people find that they have to work, which is very common 142 00:07:18,883 --> 00:07:22,982 in today's world, then I would say, 143 00:07:22,983 --> 00:07:26,949 don't let people rush you through your grief. 144 00:07:26,950 --> 00:07:31,449 Be prepared for the workforce that you work 145 00:07:31,450 --> 00:07:36,450 with to not always understand or want to talk about it. 146 00:07:36,517 --> 00:07:39,549 But for people that are having, struggling to focus, 147 00:07:39,550 --> 00:07:43,749 when on the job, I just have a couple of suggestions, 148 00:07:43,750 --> 00:07:48,016 in the morning, take a few minutes, a couple of minutes 149 00:07:48,017 --> 00:07:50,782 and just acknowledge I'm grieving, and I'm going 150 00:07:50,783 --> 00:07:54,749 to come back home tonight and spend an hour with that grief. 151 00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:57,582 But right now, I'm just going to shut that door and I'm going 152 00:07:57,583 --> 00:07:59,549 to go to work and function as well as I can. 153 00:07:59,550 --> 00:08:03,849 And don't expect to function as well as you used to. 154 00:08:03,850 --> 00:08:05,416 But do your best. 155 00:08:05,417 --> 00:08:08,449 And then come home and give yourself some grief time, 156 00:08:08,450 --> 00:08:12,016 deliberately look at photos, or listen to music, 157 00:08:12,017 --> 00:08:14,916 or deliberately have some grief time. 158 00:08:14,917 --> 00:08:18,016 And by managing your grief, 159 00:08:18,017 --> 00:08:21,416 I think you'll be able to manage focusing at work. 160 00:08:21,417 --> 00:08:25,416 After someone loses an arm or a leg in an accident, 161 00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:28,816 he fears the uncertainty of the future and what life will be 162 00:08:28,817 --> 00:08:30,616 like without his limb. 163 00:08:30,617 --> 00:08:33,316 He wonders, “Will I reinjure myself?" 164 00:08:33,317 --> 00:08:35,949 “Will I be able to do the things I used to do?" 165 00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:38,916 Or, I'm scared to feel the pain of rehab. 166 00:08:38,917 --> 00:08:41,682 In a similar way, doing life 167 00:08:41,683 --> 00:08:45,116 without your loved one is a scary prospect. 168 00:08:45,117 --> 00:08:49,649 Anne: John died of pneumonia, 169 00:08:49,650 --> 00:08:53,149 and a couple of months after he died, we had his kids come and stay with us, 170 00:08:53,150 --> 00:08:57,816 my nephew, whose named after John, John the third, was coughing 171 00:08:57,817 --> 00:09:01,582 and really wasn't feeling well, so I took him to the doctor, 172 00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:06,149 and the doctor examined him and said, well, you know, 173 00:09:06,150 --> 00:09:10,149 I think John's got a case of walking pneumonia. 174 00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:15,150 And just those John and pneumonia, thought, "Oh my gosh, Lord, 175 00:09:15,717 --> 00:09:17,116 are we going there again?" 176 00:09:17,117 --> 00:09:18,116 Did I have enough money? 177 00:09:18,117 --> 00:09:19,816 Did I enough time? 178 00:09:19,817 --> 00:09:21,749 How was I going to make all this work? 179 00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:25,249 Emotionally, I felt like I had just shut myself off 180 00:09:25,250 --> 00:09:26,782 to a lot of people. 181 00:09:26,783 --> 00:09:29,949 Because I just didn't want to, like I said, 182 00:09:29,950 --> 00:09:32,616 feel that pain again, if something would happen 183 00:09:32,617 --> 00:09:33,982 to somebody that close. 184 00:09:33,983 --> 00:09:37,716 Weeks before Jeff died, I, I felt extremely thankful 185 00:09:37,717 --> 00:09:40,582 for our relationship, and I voiced that to God, 186 00:09:40,583 --> 00:09:43,482 just, “Thank you so much for giving me a loving husband 187 00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:44,916 and this relationship. 188 00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:45,916 I couldn't ask for more." 189 00:09:45,917 --> 00:09:49,816 And then he was taken away from me. 190 00:09:49,817 --> 00:09:54,149 And it, I was kind of scared to be thankful for anything. 191 00:09:54,150 --> 00:09:56,682 So I kind of went through this time of I don't want 192 00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:58,849 to thank God for things, because He's just going 193 00:09:58,850 --> 00:09:59,016 to take it away from me. 194 00:09:59,017 --> 00:10:00,582 to take it away from me. 195 00:10:00,583 --> 00:10:05,583 When we walk through a death that is unexpected, 196 00:10:06,817 --> 00:10:10,749 we begin to think everything in my life 197 00:10:10,750 --> 00:10:13,549 that I thought was stable and secure, is not, 198 00:10:13,550 --> 00:10:14,849 in fact, stable and secure. 199 00:10:14,850 --> 00:10:17,749 And then we worry. 200 00:10:17,750 --> 00:10:18,916 Of course we do. 201 00:10:18,917 --> 00:10:22,782 As you can see, people commonly deal with all sorts 202 00:10:22,783 --> 00:10:25,416 of fears after the death of a loved one. 203 00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:28,716 To overcome them, you'll need effective strategies 204 00:10:28,717 --> 00:10:32,882 and an understanding of how God promises to help you. 205 00:10:32,883 --> 00:10:36,649 In upcoming sessions, we' ll give you specific steps for coping 206 00:10:36,650 --> 00:10:39,316 with the fear of entering a room that reminds you 207 00:10:39,317 --> 00:10:43,282 of your loved one, or cleaning out your loved one's belongings, 208 00:10:43,283 --> 00:10:45,816 and we' ll even show you how to handle the fear 209 00:10:45,817 --> 00:10:48,016 of facing your emotions. 210 00:10:48,017 --> 00:10:52,116 Along the way, we'll also share helpful truths and stories 211 00:10:52,117 --> 00:10:54,549 that remind you of God's promises. 212 00:10:54,550 --> 00:10:59,149 Nancy: For most people who have suffered a serious injury, 213 00:10:59,150 --> 00:11:00,916 the rehab and other work needed 214 00:11:00,917 --> 00:11:04,382 to resume a functional life seems overwhelming at times, 215 00:11:04,383 --> 00:11:08,149 and in the same way, you can feel overloaded by the emotions 216 00:11:08,150 --> 00:11:13,082 and the changes that come after the death of a loved one. 217 00:11:13,083 --> 00:11:15,216 You may inherit new responsibilities 218 00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:18,216 in the absence of that person. 219 00:11:18,217 --> 00:11:21,716 Those tasks, coupled with raging emotions, 220 00:11:21,717 --> 00:11:23,849 make life seem unmanageable. 221 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:28,850 [ Music] 222 00:11:30,117 --> 00:11:32,416 Karen: I wasn't sleeping so I was fatigued. 223 00:11:32,417 --> 00:11:34,949 It was difficult to get up in the morning, get everybody 224 00:11:34,950 --> 00:11:38,916 out of the house, get myself out of the house, and then make it 225 00:11:38,917 --> 00:11:42,016 through the day, I was teaching kindergarten, that was kind 226 00:11:42,017 --> 00:11:44,749 of draining in and of itself. 227 00:11:44,750 --> 00:11:48,649 And then to come home, I had kept my kids in sports 228 00:11:48,650 --> 00:11:52,849 and scouts so that they would have those male influences, 229 00:11:52,850 --> 00:11:54,882 and I wanted to keep that going. 230 00:11:54,883 --> 00:11:58,249 So just continuing to do the things 231 00:11:58,250 --> 00:12:00,916 that I felt were important for myself and my family, 232 00:12:00,917 --> 00:12:02,382 became more and more difficult. 233 00:12:02,383 --> 00:12:05,782 I had gotten pregnant with my son and everything, 234 00:12:05,783 --> 00:12:09,249 and dealing with being pregnant and losing my mother, 235 00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:13,782 and now I'm trying to cope with, you know, grieving and stuff, 236 00:12:13,783 --> 00:12:18,783 it wasn't, I couldn't, I couldn't like, I didn't want 237 00:12:19,617 --> 00:12:23,382 to deal with life, so all I just did was just sleep. 238 00:12:23,383 --> 00:12:26,816 I realized that I just didn't really have a handle on things. 239 00:12:26,817 --> 00:12:31,316 It's painful learning the new things about how to live alone. 240 00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:34,249 Well since Jeanne died, I've had trouble remembering things, 241 00:12:34,250 --> 00:12:37,516 and I begin to realize that she was a large part of my memory, 242 00:12:37,517 --> 00:12:40,682 reminding me of things, but since then, my daughters have tried 243 00:12:40,683 --> 00:12:43,416 to help me remind things and they've helped me set 244 00:12:43,417 --> 00:12:46,449 up reminders on my cell phone so I can remember to do things. 245 00:12:46,450 --> 00:12:49,816 In our last session, we learned that instead of focusing 246 00:12:49,817 --> 00:12:52,049 on everything that needs to be done, 247 00:12:52,050 --> 00:12:56,416 sometimes all you can do is concentrate on the next thing. 248 00:12:56,417 --> 00:12:59,649 When you're grieving you'll need to ask others for help, 249 00:12:59,650 --> 00:13:01,182 and you'll need their encouragement. 250 00:13:01,183 --> 00:13:04,449 If you're not sure how to ask for this kind of help, 251 00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,682 or if you're uncomfortable doing so, we'll show you how 252 00:13:07,683 --> 00:13:09,949 in upcoming GriefShare sessions. 253 00:13:09,950 --> 00:13:13,249 In the meantime, we can point you to some immediate help 254 00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:14,449 in your GriefShare workbook. 255 00:13:14,450 --> 00:13:18,616 Look for the section called, How to Write a Grief Letter. 256 00:13:18,617 --> 00:13:22,716 It explains polite ways to ask for help from others. 257 00:13:22,717 --> 00:13:27,182 [ Music] 258 00:13:27,183 --> 00:13:31,616 I was doing some gardening, and just out of the corner 259 00:13:31,617 --> 00:13:36,617 of my eye, I saw this couple walking down the street, 260 00:13:37,250 --> 00:13:42,250 and it just, it just killed me. 261 00:13:42,617 --> 00:13:47,617 Joanne, why was that so hard for you to see? 262 00:13:50,583 --> 00:13:55,049 I think because I'll never get to walk down the street 263 00:13:55,050 --> 00:13:57,882 with my husband again. 264 00:13:57,883 --> 00:14:02,883 Beth: Marshall's hospital bed was in the living room, 265 00:14:03,850 --> 00:14:07,549 so he could see the birds and see people when they came 266 00:14:07,550 --> 00:14:11,049 in and, you know, he died in that bed. 267 00:14:11,050 --> 00:14:14,182 And, it was difficult coming back 268 00:14:14,183 --> 00:14:15,849 in the door and not seeing him. 269 00:14:15,850 --> 00:14:19,982 It was very hard to just be in the house, 270 00:14:19,983 --> 00:14:21,749 knowing that shes not sitting there. 271 00:14:21,750 --> 00:14:23,382 I'm not having to give her her medicine. 272 00:14:23,383 --> 00:14:26,949 Even though I knew Rick was dying for 18 years, 273 00:14:26,950 --> 00:14:29,749 that after his funeral, the first night I crawled 274 00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:32,649 into bed alone, I felt devastated. 275 00:14:32,650 --> 00:14:37,416 And getting into bed at night, that is the biggest, loneliest bed, 276 00:14:37,417 --> 00:14:38,982 and I, so far, have not been able 277 00:14:38,983 --> 00:14:41,649 to pull the covers down on that side. 278 00:14:41,650 --> 00:14:45,249 I would call my brother-in-law's cell phone 279 00:14:45,250 --> 00:14:48,149 because her voice was on the answering machine message, 280 00:14:48,150 --> 00:14:49,016 and I would listen to it 281 00:14:49,017 --> 00:14:50,582 when I knew he wouldn't answer the phone. 282 00:14:50,583 --> 00:14:54,016 We would never again have her open up the 283 00:14:54,017 --> 00:14:56,949 refrigerator and yell, we don't have anything to eat here. 284 00:14:56,950 --> 00:14:59,016 And when I heard her humming, I knew she was happy. 285 00:14:59,017 --> 00:15:01,682 And when I heard her humming, I knew she was happy. 286 00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,749 And the fun thing to me was to try to figure 287 00:15:03,750 --> 00:15:07,049 out what she's humming, and about 90 percent 288 00:15:07,050 --> 00:15:08,249 of the time I couldn't. 289 00:15:08,250 --> 00:15:08,816 I miss that. 290 00:15:08,817 --> 00:15:10,582 It's a very quiet house now. 291 00:15:10,583 --> 00:15:15,583 There is no, no humming and she's not there. 292 00:15:15,950 --> 00:15:19,682 My dad loved a song called Do Wah Diddy, 293 00:15:19,683 --> 00:15:23,949 Diddy Dum Diddy Do [laughing], and when I hear that song 294 00:15:23,950 --> 00:15:28,950 it reminds me of my dad snapping his fingers, 295 00:15:29,083 --> 00:15:31,249 singing the song, shuffling his feet. 296 00:15:31,250 --> 00:15:34,682 My father had great conversations with me from, 297 00:15:34,683 --> 00:15:39,382 as a young child, about, well, what was going on in the world. 298 00:15:39,383 --> 00:15:41,149 We would talk about it, what do you think about it? 299 00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:45,282 And so, I think 9/11 happened, when that happened, 300 00:15:45,283 --> 00:15:48,449 he had died that year before, and I remember thinking, 301 00:15:48,450 --> 00:15:52,049 I wonder what Dad would of, would of thought of all this. 302 00:15:52,050 --> 00:15:53,549 He was a creature of habit. 303 00:15:53,550 --> 00:15:57,149 The coffee had to be in a certain spot on the shelf, 304 00:15:57,150 --> 00:15:59,216 because he made coffee every morning. 305 00:15:59,217 --> 00:16:02,249 His saucer and his cup had to be in a certain place. 306 00:16:02,250 --> 00:16:05,049 So, sometimes when those times happened, like, 307 00:16:05,050 --> 00:16:09,216 like if I open the cabinet and someone has moved the coffee, 308 00:16:09,217 --> 00:16:13,782 the first thing I'm thinking is, Daddy won't see the coffee, 309 00:16:13,783 --> 00:16:17,949 so I, I remember, I would kind of like move the coffee over, 310 00:16:17,950 --> 00:16:20,216 knowing that he's not going to come to get the coffee, 311 00:16:20,217 --> 00:16:22,882 but the coffee, I wanted the coffee can to be 312 00:16:22,883 --> 00:16:24,382 where he would know to get it. 313 00:16:24,383 --> 00:16:28,916 And once in a while, I wish, I wish I could find a, like a, 314 00:16:28,917 --> 00:16:33,049 a disc or a roll of film that's got some new pictures of her, 315 00:16:33,050 --> 00:16:34,949 because I've seen all the old pictures and, 316 00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:39,582 I just want a new look at Melissa, even if she's still 17, 317 00:16:39,583 --> 00:16:43,149 it just would be so refreshing to, to have a new look. 318 00:16:43,150 --> 00:16:44,782 Everybody else gets that with their kids. 319 00:16:44,783 --> 00:16:49,783 They get to see them grow up and change and, and, it's a loss to, 320 00:16:50,450 --> 00:16:54,316 to know that your daughter will always remain 17 in your eyes. 321 00:16:54,317 --> 00:16:58,816 Still to this day, you know, I have say, things, good things 322 00:16:58,817 --> 00:17:02,882 and bad things that may come up in my life, and I want to pick 323 00:17:02,883 --> 00:17:04,982 up the phone and call her and share it with her, 324 00:17:04,983 --> 00:17:07,382 and she's just not there to tell. 325 00:17:07,383 --> 00:17:11,182 She won't be here to, to do as she planned 326 00:17:11,183 --> 00:17:13,882 to do, to take care of me. 327 00:17:13,883 --> 00:17:18,883 And so that, that's the most difficult part. 328 00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:21,916 The intimate part of life that a couple shares, 329 00:17:21,917 --> 00:17:25,282 there's no substitute for that, anywhere, 330 00:17:25,283 --> 00:17:29,182 and that's going to be, physical intimacy, 331 00:17:29,183 --> 00:17:31,716 it's going to be humor, private jokes. 332 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:36,049 You know, when you love somebody like I loved her, 333 00:17:36,050 --> 00:17:41,050 when they die, it's really hard. 334 00:17:45,117 --> 00:17:49,582 I'm so happy for my mother, because she is well, 335 00:17:49,583 --> 00:17:54,583 shes healed, she is happy beholding you, 336 00:17:56,183 --> 00:18:00,382 she's with our former family members, but Lord, 337 00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:05,383 she was my best friend outside of Rick and, and it hurts 338 00:18:05,717 --> 00:18:07,749 to the core to be without her. 339 00:18:07,750 --> 00:18:09,716 She was a gourmet cook, 340 00:18:09,717 --> 00:18:14,416 and every day was a new gourmet meal that she was fixing. 341 00:18:14,417 --> 00:18:18,449 And so I miss that, the smell of that cooking 342 00:18:18,450 --> 00:18:23,149 and the food there in my home, our home. 343 00:18:23,150 --> 00:18:25,549 You don't want to give up the memories 344 00:18:25,550 --> 00:18:27,416 of how good it felt to hold her hand. 345 00:18:27,417 --> 00:18:30,582 You don't want to give up the memories of how, 346 00:18:30,583 --> 00:18:33,649 how nice it was just sitting in the chair, 347 00:18:33,650 --> 00:18:37,549 watching TV, not talking. 348 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:40,316 Or watching her read her Bible on the porch. 349 00:18:40,317 --> 00:18:42,649 Or see that smile on her face 350 00:18:42,650 --> 00:18:44,516 when the grandkids would come in. 351 00:18:44,517 --> 00:18:49,517 Larry: The regret or unfinished was not recognizing 352 00:18:51,383 --> 00:18:56,383 just how much she was of a helping person. 353 00:18:59,117 --> 00:19:04,117 I would just move on and, and not realizing, just how caring 354 00:19:07,850 --> 00:19:11,582 and how loving she was for our family. 355 00:19:11,583 --> 00:19:16,583 I just wished I had recognized how supportive 356 00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:19,949 and caring and loving she was. 357 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:22,716 It happened so fast that I didn't really have time to talk 358 00:19:22,717 --> 00:19:25,149 to her and tell her that she was very sick 359 00:19:25,150 --> 00:19:26,482 and they said that she might die. 360 00:19:26,483 --> 00:19:30,382 I didn't have time to explain that to her, and tell her, 361 00:19:30,383 --> 00:19:33,382 you know, goodbye, in case she didn't make it, and tell her 362 00:19:33,383 --> 00:19:36,016 that I loved her, it just happened really, really fast. 363 00:19:36,017 --> 00:19:37,316 that I loved her, it just happened really, really fast. 364 00:19:37,317 --> 00:19:42,317 [ Music] 365 00:19:47,450 --> 00:19:50,649 I know that she knew that I loved her, just as though I know 366 00:19:50,650 --> 00:19:51,016 that she loved me, deeply. 367 00:19:51,017 --> 00:19:52,182 that she loved me, deeply. 368 00:19:52,183 --> 00:19:54,316 We expressed it differently, 369 00:19:54,317 --> 00:19:56,882 and just like any sibling relationship, there are highs 370 00:19:56,883 --> 00:19:58,516 and there are lows and there are challenges 371 00:19:58,517 --> 00:19:58,716 and there are lows and there are challenges 372 00:19:58,717 --> 00:20:00,116 when you grow up with somebody. 373 00:20:00,117 --> 00:20:04,816 Female Narrator: Heather's sister, Rebecca, died from cancer at a young age. 374 00:20:04,817 --> 00:20:06,016 Heather wishes she had a better relationship with her. 375 00:20:06,017 --> 00:20:08,349 Heather wishes she had a better relationship with her. 376 00:20:08,350 --> 00:20:10,049 Heather: I just wish that I could go back 377 00:20:10,050 --> 00:20:14,482 and express myself differently, redo situations, 378 00:20:14,483 --> 00:20:16,549 so that we could have a different relationship 379 00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:18,016 when she was alive. 380 00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:20,449 Female Narrator: Heather's regret made it difficult for her 381 00:20:20,450 --> 00:20:21,016 to heal from her grief. 382 00:20:21,017 --> 00:20:21,749 to heal from her grief. 383 00:20:21,750 --> 00:20:26,282 Heather: I spent a lot of time regretting some 384 00:20:26,283 --> 00:20:29,449 of the choices I made growing up with my sister, and I, 385 00:20:29,450 --> 00:20:34,450 I wanted to relive some of the moments, and I, getting stuck 386 00:20:35,517 --> 00:20:36,849 I wanted to relive some of the moments, and I, getting stuck 387 00:20:36,850 --> 00:20:41,716 on that didn't help my grief process. 388 00:20:41,717 --> 00:20:43,816 It made it so, so much worse, 389 00:20:43,817 --> 00:20:45,949 because you can't live in the past. 390 00:20:45,950 --> 00:20:47,049 I mean, I can't go back 391 00:20:47,050 --> 00:20:49,616 and change how I treated her as a teenager. 392 00:20:49,617 --> 00:20:50,516 So, it, it hung me up. 393 00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:54,082 So, it, it hung me up. 394 00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:57,449 Female Narrator: Perhaps you regret having an argument 395 00:20:57,450 --> 00:20:59,716 with your loved one prior to his death, 396 00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:02,482 you wished that you'd provided better quality medical care 397 00:21:02,483 --> 00:21:05,516 for him, or you wish you'd taken the time to say, I love you, 398 00:21:05,517 --> 00:21:07,016 for him, or you wish you'd taken the time to say, I love you, 399 00:21:07,017 --> 00:21:09,582 one more time before he died. 400 00:21:09,583 --> 00:21:12,416 Regardless of the source of your regrets, 401 00:21:12,417 --> 00:21:14,716 don't beat yourself up over them. 402 00:21:14,717 --> 00:21:17,916 The Bible indicates that those who die want the best 403 00:21:17,917 --> 00:21:20,516 for the living, and that they don't harbor bitterness 404 00:21:20,517 --> 00:21:20,682 for the living, and that they don't harbor bitterness 405 00:21:20,683 --> 00:21:22,349 or anger toward you. 406 00:21:22,350 --> 00:21:25,849 Regret is a common and painful grief experience. 407 00:21:25,850 --> 00:21:29,249 In a future session, we'll give you more information on how 408 00:21:29,250 --> 00:21:34,893 to move past those thoughts and feelings. 409 00:21:36,817 --> 00:21:41,049 So far in this session, we've compared the emotional 410 00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:43,749 and spiritual pain of grief to what it feels 411 00:21:43,750 --> 00:21:48,082 like to lose an arm or recover from some other serious injury. 412 00:21:48,083 --> 00:21:50,016 And the reality is, the loss 413 00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:50,482 And the reality is, the loss 414 00:21:50,483 --> 00:21:54,616 of someone we love does impact us physically, as well. 415 00:21:54,617 --> 00:21:58,149 Brad: Grief is something that wears on us, not just emotionally, 416 00:21:58,150 --> 00:21:59,982 but mentally and physically. 417 00:21:59,983 --> 00:22:03,249 Some people have difficulty going 418 00:22:03,250 --> 00:22:05,016 to sleep, maintaining sleep. 419 00:22:05,017 --> 00:22:05,549 to sleep, maintaining sleep. 420 00:22:05,550 --> 00:22:08,082 My stomach would hurt. 421 00:22:08,083 --> 00:22:08,982 I had nausea. 422 00:22:08,983 --> 00:22:11,516 I would get headaches. 423 00:22:11,517 --> 00:22:12,549 My chest hurt. 424 00:22:12,550 --> 00:22:14,749 It feels like you're going, you're not going 425 00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:16,316 to survive it yourself. 426 00:22:16,317 --> 00:22:18,916 You just, you just feel sick. 427 00:22:18,917 --> 00:22:20,016 Since grief affects your body, healing involves more 428 00:22:20,017 --> 00:22:22,816 Since grief affects your body, healing involves more 429 00:22:22,817 --> 00:22:24,982 than simply waiting to feel better. 430 00:22:24,983 --> 00:22:29,216 When a person loses a loved one, 431 00:22:29,217 --> 00:22:34,217 that's a very stressful moment in a person's life. 432 00:22:34,517 --> 00:22:38,016 And research shows that when a person is 433 00:22:38,017 --> 00:22:43,017 under prolonged distress, ongoing stress, that's going 434 00:22:43,717 --> 00:22:48,049 to be detrimental to the emotional health 435 00:22:48,050 --> 00:22:49,449 and also physical health. 436 00:22:49,450 --> 00:22:49,516 So a person who is grieving will need 437 00:22:49,517 --> 00:22:53,549 So a person who is grieving will need 438 00:22:53,550 --> 00:22:57,516 to take a multidimensional approach to take care of, 439 00:22:57,517 --> 00:22:59,682 of himself or herself. 440 00:22:59,683 --> 00:23:03,016 Because we talked about how grief affects the person 441 00:23:03,017 --> 00:23:04,516 as a whole, the whole person. 442 00:23:04,517 --> 00:23:04,816 As a whole, the whole person. 443 00:23:04,817 --> 00:23:08,582 So the care, or self-care, needs to be holistic. 444 00:23:08,583 --> 00:23:12,549 I think it's very important that grieving people, perhaps, 445 00:23:12,550 --> 00:23:15,316 think about this acronym, DEER. 446 00:23:15,317 --> 00:23:19,516 To drink, meaning hydrate themselves adequately. 447 00:23:19,517 --> 00:23:20,116 To drink, meaning hydrate themselves adequately. 448 00:23:20,117 --> 00:23:23,416 To eat regular meals and balanced ones, 449 00:23:23,417 --> 00:23:24,849 even if they don't feel like cooking 450 00:23:24,850 --> 00:23:26,916 to exercise on a regular basis. 451 00:23:26,917 --> 00:23:29,416 Dr. Moitinho: And when I say exercise, doesn't mean joining a gym 452 00:23:29,417 --> 00:23:32,616 and working out, but going for walks, because it, 453 00:23:32,617 --> 00:23:34,516 it's important to get the body in motion. 454 00:23:34,517 --> 00:23:35,982 it's important to get the body in motion. 455 00:23:35,983 --> 00:23:37,816 I try to walk a mile or two a day, 456 00:23:37,817 --> 00:23:40,582 I take my little dog Iggy, for a walk. 457 00:23:40,583 --> 00:23:44,549 I, I'm not doing as well as I should. 458 00:23:44,550 --> 00:23:47,449 I was lifting weights for a while and I need to get back 459 00:23:47,450 --> 00:23:49,016 to it, and, but anyway, I am consistent in walking, and, 460 00:23:49,017 --> 00:23:53,582 to it, and, but anyway, I am consistent in walking, and, 461 00:23:53,583 --> 00:23:55,249 and I do believe that it helps. 462 00:23:55,250 --> 00:23:57,849 Just start with some small steps and build up. 463 00:23:57,850 --> 00:24:01,082 But just get yourself outside if its nice weather and walk 464 00:24:01,083 --> 00:24:04,016 down the walkway a little bit, and to get adequate rest. 465 00:24:04,017 --> 00:24:05,082 Down the walkway a little bit, and to get adequate rest. 466 00:24:05,083 --> 00:24:09,882 Grieving is a very intensely fatiguing process. 467 00:24:09,883 --> 00:24:13,149 And I know sometimes a person will say, I can't sleep, 468 00:24:13,150 --> 00:24:16,962 but even so, the person needs to lie down and rest. 469 00:24:17,650 --> 00:24:19,016 Hello, yes, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Sykes please. 470 00:24:19,017 --> 00:24:23,016 Hello, yes, I'd like to make an appointment with Dr. Sykes please. 471 00:24:23,017 --> 00:24:26,482 Nancy: In addition to taking care of yourself, it's important 472 00:24:26,483 --> 00:24:28,082 that you see a doctor after the death 473 00:24:28,083 --> 00:24:29,882 of a loved one, and here's why. 474 00:24:29,883 --> 00:24:34,016 Many times, especially with an anticipated death, 475 00:24:34,017 --> 00:24:34,782 Many times, especially with an anticipated death, 476 00:24:34,783 --> 00:24:38,449 the caregiver, often the spouse and family members are 477 00:24:38,450 --> 00:24:40,649 so surrounding the person dying 478 00:24:40,650 --> 00:24:42,849 that they aren't really paying any attention 479 00:24:42,850 --> 00:24:45,549 to how they're feeling or what their health is like, 480 00:24:45,550 --> 00:24:48,416 and so I would say that's one of the first things 481 00:24:48,417 --> 00:24:48,516 that a widowed person needs to do after the death of a spouse, 482 00:24:48,517 --> 00:24:53,249 that a widowed person needs to do after the death of a spouse, 483 00:24:53,250 --> 00:24:55,216 is to go and get a good physical. 484 00:24:55,217 --> 00:24:58,516 And I did that, and, because I'd had some dramatic weight 485 00:24:58,517 --> 00:24:58,549 And I did that, and, because I'd had some dramatic weight 486 00:24:58,550 --> 00:25:00,149 loss and that's not unusual either, 487 00:25:00,150 --> 00:25:03,516 either dramatic weight loss or gain or whatever's not unusual. 488 00:25:03,517 --> 00:25:03,716 either dramatic weight loss or gain or whatever's not unusual. 489 00:25:03,717 --> 00:25:05,916 And, you know, so he did a general test 490 00:25:05,917 --> 00:25:08,816 and there was nothing particular, but, you know, 491 00:25:08,817 --> 00:25:10,449 my stress level was pretty high 492 00:25:10,450 --> 00:25:12,516 and he just made some suggestions 493 00:25:12,517 --> 00:25:15,449 and he also told me I could keep drinking my coffee, 494 00:25:15,450 --> 00:25:17,216 which I felt guilty about, 495 00:25:17,217 --> 00:25:18,516 and so he relieved some guilt, and that was good. 496 00:25:18,517 --> 00:25:19,616 And so he relieved some guilt, and that was good. 497 00:25:19,617 --> 00:25:23,616 So things like that, you need to try to do as soon as you can. 498 00:25:23,617 --> 00:25:28,082 Five years, I've been dealing with the, the death, 499 00:25:28,083 --> 00:25:29,082 leading up to the death. 500 00:25:29,083 --> 00:25:31,849 So, it took a toll on me, physically. 501 00:25:31,850 --> 00:25:33,516 So after my husband died, I went to the doctor, I was diagnosed 502 00:25:33,517 --> 00:25:35,982 So after my husband died, I went to the doctor, I was diagnosed 503 00:25:35,983 --> 00:25:38,016 with high blood pressure, 504 00:25:38,017 --> 00:25:40,516 never had blood pressure problems in my life. 505 00:25:40,517 --> 00:25:42,982 I had high cholesterol. 506 00:25:42,983 --> 00:25:46,916 I had glaucoma. 507 00:25:46,917 --> 00:25:48,016 I had every ache that you can think of, my shoulders hurt, 508 00:25:48,017 --> 00:25:51,049 I had every ache that you can think of, my shoulders hurt, 509 00:25:51,050 --> 00:25:52,683 my knees hurt, everything hurt. 510 00:25:52,684 --> 00:25:57,684 The biggest thing was I had a rapid weight gain after that. 511 00:25:58,017 --> 00:26:01,649 So I was ballooning, just getting bigger and bigger 512 00:26:01,650 --> 00:26:03,016 and bigger, eating the wrong foods, 513 00:26:03,017 --> 00:26:03,749 and bigger, eating the wrong foods, 514 00:26:03,750 --> 00:26:05,849 because I didn't want to take time to cook. 515 00:26:05,850 --> 00:26:10,116 I didn't want to take time to eat alone, when I did eat, 516 00:26:10,117 --> 00:26:13,882 I had fast foods a lot, so all these health issues surfaced. 517 00:26:13,883 --> 00:26:16,449 Scientific studies show that people 518 00:26:16,450 --> 00:26:18,016 who are physically injured will heal more quickly 519 00:26:18,017 --> 00:26:19,316 who are physically injured will heal more quickly 520 00:26:19,317 --> 00:26:21,782 when they believe they can handle the rigors of rehab, 521 00:26:21,783 --> 00:26:24,449 and believe they can get better. 522 00:26:24,450 --> 00:26:26,649 In a similar way, your beliefs 523 00:26:26,650 --> 00:26:30,249 about God affect your recovery from grief. 524 00:26:30,250 --> 00:26:32,349 Trouble is, when you're grieving 525 00:26:32,350 --> 00:26:33,016 God sometimes feels distant. 526 00:26:33,017 --> 00:26:34,416 God sometimes feels distant. 527 00:26:34,417 --> 00:26:39,249 If that's how you feel right now, you're not alone. 528 00:26:39,250 --> 00:26:41,349 Marne: At first, I couldn't pray at all. 529 00:26:41,350 --> 00:26:43,049 I just felt like the only, 530 00:26:43,050 --> 00:26:45,649 only prayer that I could utter was, "Oh God." 531 00:26:45,650 --> 00:26:47,716 Early on, I remember just sitting 532 00:26:47,717 --> 00:26:48,016 and trying to read my Bible. 533 00:26:48,017 --> 00:26:49,149 and trying to read my Bible. 534 00:26:49,150 --> 00:26:52,516 But there was this kind of white noise in the background. 535 00:26:52,517 --> 00:26:56,883 I would read and nothing was sinking in. 536 00:26:56,884 --> 00:26:59,716 I wasn't even really comprehending the passages 537 00:26:59,717 --> 00:27:02,516 that I was looking at, and it was that way for months. 538 00:27:02,517 --> 00:27:03,616 that I was looking at, and it was that way for months. 539 00:27:03,617 --> 00:27:06,616 At the beginning, I didn't want to pray. 540 00:27:06,617 --> 00:27:11,482 I didn't want anything to do with, I, I didn't want anything 541 00:27:11,483 --> 00:27:15,449 to do with God, but I wanted the answers. 542 00:27:15,450 --> 00:27:16,682 I wanted the answers to why. 543 00:27:16,683 --> 00:27:17,516 I just couldn't understand how God could take our child, 544 00:27:17,517 --> 00:27:21,949 I just couldn't understand how God could take our child, 545 00:27:21,950 --> 00:27:25,783 I felt like we served Him, our whole lives were, 546 00:27:25,784 --> 00:27:29,249 our whole lives revolved in Christian work, 547 00:27:29,250 --> 00:27:32,516 and I just felt mistakenly that nothing would ever happen 548 00:27:32,517 --> 00:27:34,082 and I just felt mistakenly that nothing would ever happen 549 00:27:34,083 --> 00:27:35,616 to our family like that. 550 00:27:35,617 --> 00:27:38,016 I'm thinking, well, God, something must be wrong. 551 00:27:38,017 --> 00:27:40,482 I know what your word says, and I know you said you're going 552 00:27:40,483 --> 00:27:42,216 to take care of all our needs. 553 00:27:42,217 --> 00:27:45,316 You're going to be our provider, but I don't feel it. 554 00:27:45,317 --> 00:27:47,516 You forget all the promises God's made, and, 555 00:27:47,517 --> 00:27:49,783 You forget all the promises God's made, and, 556 00:27:49,784 --> 00:27:53,316 and you know all of them, but then you just, I don't know, 557 00:27:53,317 --> 00:27:55,749 it's, it's the thing about losing somebody. 558 00:27:55,750 --> 00:27:59,383 I think you forget all that stuff. 559 00:27:59,384 --> 00:28:02,016 And I've seen people in the church who's gone through death 560 00:28:02,017 --> 00:28:03,016 And I've seen people in the church who's gone through death 561 00:28:03,017 --> 00:28:07,383 and loss, and I've seen them, but they seem to be okay. 562 00:28:07,384 --> 00:28:09,582 So I'm thinking, okay, well maybe somethings wrong with me. 563 00:28:09,583 --> 00:28:14,583 [ Music] 564 00:28:17,017 --> 00:28:22,017 [ Music] 565 00:28:28,850 --> 00:28:32,016 Feeling that God has abandoned you is a very painful place to be. 566 00:28:32,017 --> 00:28:34,449 Feeling that God has abandoned you is a very painful place to be. 567 00:28:34,450 --> 00:28:38,716 Ironically, sometimes our beliefs about God cause us 568 00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:41,182 to believe He's ignoring us. 569 00:28:41,183 --> 00:28:45,016 For many people, there is a belief about God 570 00:28:45,017 --> 00:28:47,016 and what it means to be a Christian 571 00:28:47,017 --> 00:28:47,049 and what it means to be a Christian 572 00:28:47,050 --> 00:28:50,383 that makes their experience of grief more difficult. 573 00:28:50,384 --> 00:28:54,549 And that would be the belief that if I follow God, 574 00:28:54,550 --> 00:28:59,550 if I'm faithful, then He will protect me from all suffering. 575 00:28:59,750 --> 00:29:01,516 Dr. Crabb: That if we're really deeply spiritual about it, 576 00:29:01,517 --> 00:29:02,582 Dr. Crabb: That if we're really deeply spiritual about it, 577 00:29:02,583 --> 00:29:04,616 if we're really Christian people, then trusting Him 578 00:29:04,617 --> 00:29:06,949 and believing in Him and knowing He loves us, 579 00:29:06,950 --> 00:29:08,516 that we're just not going to hurt. 580 00:29:08,517 --> 00:29:11,916 And if we think that way, then there's really one 581 00:29:11,917 --> 00:29:15,582 of two problems that we fall into. 582 00:29:15,583 --> 00:29:16,516 Either we begin to think that we failed. 583 00:29:16,517 --> 00:29:18,182 Either we begin to think that we failed. 584 00:29:18,183 --> 00:29:22,082 “I didn't do something right, my faith wasn't strong enough, 585 00:29:22,083 --> 00:29:27,083 and God removed his protection, because I did something wrong," 586 00:29:28,083 --> 00:29:31,516 or we begin to think, God reneged. 587 00:29:31,517 --> 00:29:32,149 or we begin to think, God reneged. 588 00:29:32,150 --> 00:29:33,749 God is not trustworthy. 589 00:29:33,750 --> 00:29:37,449 God did not come through on what he said he would do. 590 00:29:37,450 --> 00:29:40,582 And so I think it's very important for us 591 00:29:40,583 --> 00:29:43,283 to have a clear picture of what it means 592 00:29:43,284 --> 00:29:45,949 to be a Christian who will suffer. 593 00:29:45,950 --> 00:29:46,516 As David and I dealt with the deaths of our two children, 594 00:29:46,517 --> 00:29:49,016 As David and I dealt with the deaths of our two children, 595 00:29:49,017 --> 00:29:52,549 our faith in Christ helped us, 596 00:29:52,550 --> 00:29:54,483 but not in the ways we initially expected. 597 00:29:54,484 --> 00:29:58,016 At first, we thought our faith would insulate us from the pain. 598 00:29:58,017 --> 00:29:59,582 At first, we thought our faith would insulate us from the pain. 599 00:29:59,583 --> 00:30:01,516 But instead, we learned that our faith 600 00:30:01,517 --> 00:30:01,782 But instead, we learned that our faith 601 00:30:01,783 --> 00:30:05,349 in Christ sustained us in the midst of it. 602 00:30:05,350 --> 00:30:06,849 It's a myth, first to say, 603 00:30:06,850 --> 00:30:10,449 that faith simply is, is happiness. 604 00:30:10,450 --> 00:30:14,916 Faith is somehow a lighthearted confidence in God. 605 00:30:14,917 --> 00:30:16,016 Faith, true faith, is expressed in the shadows, in this valley 606 00:30:16,017 --> 00:30:21,017 Faith, true faith, is expressed in the shadows, in this valley 607 00:30:22,250 --> 00:30:24,649 of the shadow of death, when, 608 00:30:24,650 --> 00:30:29,416 when we can't see our God clearly, and we say, Lord, 609 00:30:29,417 --> 00:30:31,016 I trust you, but help me to trust you, 610 00:30:31,017 --> 00:30:32,149 I trust you, but help me to trust you, 611 00:30:32,150 --> 00:30:35,949 because the loss still feels like it's going to overwhelm me. 612 00:30:35,950 --> 00:30:40,883 And you've got to tell yourself, although I feel alone, 613 00:30:40,884 --> 00:30:44,016 although there are people who say they love me, 614 00:30:44,017 --> 00:30:46,016 who haven't shown up for me in this moment, 615 00:30:46,017 --> 00:30:46,516 who haven't shown up for me in this moment, 616 00:30:46,517 --> 00:30:50,882 although I don't feel God's presence, he is with me. 617 00:30:50,883 --> 00:30:53,282 Let me give you an example. 618 00:30:53,283 --> 00:30:58,283 If I'm in my basement, on a bright sunny day, and the shades 619 00:30:58,517 --> 00:31:01,016 in the basement are, are pulled, 620 00:31:01,017 --> 00:31:01,783 in the basement are, are pulled, 621 00:31:01,784 --> 00:31:04,349 and so it's pitch dark down there. 622 00:31:04,350 --> 00:31:08,449 The sun hasn't ceased to shine at all. 623 00:31:08,450 --> 00:31:10,549 There is something at that moment 624 00:31:10,550 --> 00:31:13,782 that is clouded my ability to see the sun, 625 00:31:13,783 --> 00:31:15,516 that's what grief does. 626 00:31:15,517 --> 00:31:15,582 that's what grief does. 627 00:31:15,583 --> 00:31:18,516 Grief blocks my ability to see God. 628 00:31:18,517 --> 00:31:21,416 But I shouldn't conclude that means that He's absent. 629 00:31:21,417 --> 00:31:25,049 And so, as I'm going through the grief, I've got to be talking 630 00:31:25,050 --> 00:31:28,116 to myself, and say, God's with you. 631 00:31:28,117 --> 00:31:30,516 You don't feel Him, you didn't feel Him today, 632 00:31:30,517 --> 00:31:30,649 You don't feel Him, you didn't feel Him today, 633 00:31:30,650 --> 00:31:35,650 but it's because the emotions of grief are so powerful 634 00:31:35,983 --> 00:31:40,183 that they tend to obstruct my sense of God's presence. 635 00:31:40,184 --> 00:31:43,849 Over the next few weeks, we' ll help you see what it means 636 00:31:43,850 --> 00:31:45,516 to trust God as you grieve, 637 00:31:45,517 --> 00:31:46,383 to trust God as you grieve, 638 00:31:46,384 --> 00:31:49,616 because unless you find your hope in Him, you have no chance 639 00:31:49,617 --> 00:31:51,649 of fully recovering from your grief. 640 00:31:51,650 --> 00:31:54,349 David: Your GriefShare workbook will show you more 641 00:31:54,350 --> 00:31:57,216 about how God wants to help you as you're grieving. 642 00:31:57,217 --> 00:31:59,483 So, as you have the strength, 643 00:31:59,484 --> 00:32:00,516 take time to complete the daily exercises. 644 00:32:00,517 --> 00:32:02,116 take time to complete the daily exercises. 645 00:32:02,117 --> 00:32:03,549 Nancy: I'll go so far as to say 646 00:32:03,550 --> 00:32:05,883 that whether you think you have the strength or not, 647 00:32:05,884 --> 00:32:09,816 it's vital that you make time to seek after God each day. 648 00:32:09,817 --> 00:32:13,182 And your workbook is a great structured way to do that. 649 00:32:13,183 --> 00:32:15,016 It's okay to start slowly, perhaps just 650 00:32:15,017 --> 00:32:16,149 It's okay to start slowly, perhaps just 651 00:32:16,150 --> 00:32:19,282 by reading one exercise and working your way up to reading 652 00:32:19,283 --> 00:32:21,949 and prayer, but it is crucial for you 653 00:32:21,950 --> 00:32:23,549 to seek God's help in healing. 654 00:32:23,550 --> 00:32:27,157 So try to spend some time using your workbook this week. 655 00:32:28,217 --> 00:32:29,649 Male Narrator: In this week's From Mourning 656 00:32:29,650 --> 00:32:30,016 to Joy exercises, you'll meet Mike. 657 00:32:30,017 --> 00:32:32,582 to Joy exercises, you'll meet Mike. 658 00:32:32,583 --> 00:32:36,083 Discover why he felt like his brain stopped working 659 00:32:36,084 --> 00:32:38,349 as he grieved his wife's death, 660 00:32:38,350 --> 00:32:40,516 and find out how he kept his emotions 661 00:32:40,517 --> 00:32:42,463 from taking control of his life. 662 00:32:44,050 --> 00:32:47,449 In the next session of GriefShare, you'll learn 663 00:32:47,450 --> 00:32:50,449 about challenges and temptations others have encountered 664 00:32:50,450 --> 00:32:52,083 on the journey of grief, 665 00:32:52,084 --> 00:32:54,249 and you'll discover how they dealt with them. 666 00:32:54,250 --> 00:32:56,482 H. Norman: I remember the first time that I received something 667 00:32:56,483 --> 00:32:58,882 in the mail that said, H. Norman Wright, 668 00:32:58,883 --> 00:33:01,282 widower, I sort of bristled. 669 00:33:01,283 --> 00:33:03,449 Everyone wondered, when David was killed, 670 00:33:03,450 --> 00:33:05,216 is Cindy going to go back to drugs? 671 00:33:05,217 --> 00:33:06,216 Somebody looked at me one day, 672 00:33:06,217 --> 00:33:07,849 well why can't you just get over it? 673 00:33:07,850 --> 00:33:11,388 And then one night, I made a phone call to some dealers. 674 00:33:12,584 --> 00:33:16,549 It takes time to recover from the death of a loved one, 675 00:33:16,550 --> 00:33:20,349 and we hope that after this session you better understand why. 676 00:33:20,350 --> 00:33:23,749 We also hope you apply some of the ideas we've shared today, 677 00:33:23,750 --> 00:33:27,549 like DEER, how to be productive while you're grieving, 678 00:33:27,550 --> 00:33:30,049 and doing your workbook exercises. 679 00:33:30,050 --> 00:33:31,816 Even though it will be hard, 680 00:33:31,817 --> 00:33:34,616 you'll ultimately be glad you put forth the effort. 681 00:33:34,617 --> 00:33:37,382 If you're finding GriefShare helpful, 682 00:33:37,383 --> 00:33:40,549 and we hope that you are, why not invite someone you know 683 00:33:40,550 --> 00:33:42,749 to come to the next session with you? 684 00:33:42,750 --> 00:33:46,416 You may know a friend, family member, neighbor, 685 00:33:46,417 --> 00:33:50,416 or co-worker who'd benefit by being a part of this group. 686 00:33:50,417 --> 00:33:52,416 Let them know they're welcome here. 687 00:33:52,417 --> 00:33:54,516 Thanks for joining us. 688 00:33:54,517 --> 00:33:56,053 We' ll see you next time.